Monday, December 24, 2018

Vanderpump Rules Recap: Lisa's Dilemma [Episode 4]

bySam Allan from Good Tea
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author (Good Tea), and they do not reflect in any way those of iRealHousewives.com.

Katie's ultimatum is the only thing on this show dumber than Raquel. We all know she doesn't really work at Sur and only shows up once a week when there's Bravo cameras around, James, on the other hand, is an actual struggling DJ and he would be there if there was a show or not. This really is James' job and obviously, he shouldn't go around berating his cast members, however, this storyline is so fake and it's annoying that nobody can call it out because of that fucking forth wall.

The rest of the cast has somewhat grown up. I think? However, James is still the youngest and is in the same dysfunctional space they were all in only a few seasons ago, he hasn't learned how to capitalise off his small piece of fame yet through selling Diffeyewear and Flat Tummy Tea on Instagram so a weekly DJ gig in a restaurant is his livelihood. I can't believe I'm saying this and I'm not sure if it's through the magic of editing or if I have a chemical imbalance but I'm #TeamJames. I know it's crazy, unsettling, strange and I'm not sure how to feel but everybody could definitively say CUNT Night was boosting numbers at Sur by 20%, so it confuses me how Lisa is willing to throw away a good business venture just to accommodate a fake waitress for storyline purposes.

In the real world, this wouldn't happen. First of all, nobody would still be a waitress after nine years, Katie is pushing 40 and wants a child, surely she doesn't still rely on her weekly tips from her fake job to get her through the week. Second of all, if she doesn't want to work with James, then don't schedule her to work Tuesdays? This whole storyline is bullshit and normally Vanderpump Rules is praised for having the most real relationships in reality TV, however, these dumb Sur storylines ruin their creditability. It's disgusting that he calls Katie fat, rapped about Jax fucking Faith and acts like a drunken WeHo queen at least four nights a week, however, without James stepping into this villain role we wouldn't have anything else to work with this season. 

After seeing this episode through James' eyes, as this show literally revolved around him in every scene, I feel bad for him. We got another deep dive into his family situation and they may seem fine now but that is a rough family unit. They all have severe cases of British teeth, his dad looks like a human glowworm who lives under the subway, his mother is a nine-months sober alcoholic and his' younger siblings look like junior versions of him. In a weird way, James is the nucleus of this family and is smart, thoughtful and dare I say, kind? It was like someone took the James we know and hate and swapped him out with Mary Poppins. He helps everyone out financially and it's clear his problem with alcohol doesn't just come from his mother but it's an outlet for the family stress he's felt in his life.

James is a broken bird and I finally see why LVP has helped him all these years because he's only a douchebag to mask the pain he's feeling. I would say I want this James all the time but there is nothing else happening right now and we need any bad behaviour we can get from him. 

To pile onto his current alienation, Scheana invited James over to move everything out of her dark and dinging apartment. Before we dive into their delusional conversation, thank fuck and whoever is giving Scheana the money to move out of her scary man cave that she called a home. It was dark in every sense of the word and I'm happy she's finally moving to a different place where she can plaster the walls with oversized photos of her face. After James had moved all her boxes into her car while Scheana took selfies, she sat down to tell him they are only "surface level party friends" and tried to give him a talking to about his behaviour. This is why Scheana sucks.

James is literally her only friend on the cast and the only person willing to help move her stuff but she'll fuck him over and dismiss his friendship because she needs to get back into the good graces of the Witches of WeHo. Fair enough, if your friends Scheana should be able to give him some tough love but not completely invalidate their relationship. Seeing her unfriend him on camera after he helped her move in the LA summer was worse than anything James has ever done. Scheana is a monster and not in a way I appreciate, she'll fuck over anybody to get anything and it's why her only friends are thirsty members of the outer Sur community who want more camera time. 

We also had to sit through a mandatory scene of Jax and Brittany preparing their beer cheese recipe and I've never been repulsed by anything more in my life. He finally has his season one face back and looks a lot less puffy, sweaty and coked up this year. Say what you want but cutting pasta out of his diet really saved Jax Taylor. I hate how this couple somehow became the ones we have to root for, a year ago he was cheating and gaslighting her and now this season they are being positioned as the modern day Romeo and Juliet. They aren't star-crossed lovers, they're two coked-up reality stars who know their fame is stronger if they stay together. Jax talked shit about Raquel saying "why stay when you’re being walked all over?" and I don't even need to shade that statement. Does his memory only have a three month storage amount? Everybody thought Brittany was a dumb bitch for staying with him last year and I still do. It's gross to see Jax have any kind of moral high ground just because his dad died when he was 10x worse than James ever has been.

The best scene of the episode was BY FAR Lala's confrontation with Raquel during CUNT night, there's nothing I love more than a side Sur character on this show getting a come up and I appreciate seeing Raquel trying her hardest to be relevant amongst the group. I see what Lala is trying to do by making Raquel see that her boyfriend is a piece of shit, but it's not going to work. This dumb bitch could see James shoving his penis in any hole right in front of her and she'd still stay. She may have two rocks for a brain but she knows not to bite the hand that feeds her or the dick that makes her famous. Lala said "Your man is not Johnny Deep, people don’t just say that they fucked him" which I not only want on a t-shirt but basically sums up what I've been saying for weeks. James definitely cheated on Raquel, there's no doubt about that, but this relationship isn't ending anytime soon. 

The two girls started clapping in each others' faces when Raquel brought up Lala and Logan's newfound friendship as a way to take her down, which was supported by James very bitchy gay ex-lover being mean to Raquel at pride but without missing a beat Lala clapped back (not with her hands this time) saying "We're bonding over the fact that my dad died you fucking twat." I don't know if it was the Gotti premiere or she was just rehearsing in the mirror, but Lala's one-liners were amazing this episode.


Vanderpump Rules airs Monday nights at 9pm/8c on Bravo! For International TV Listings, click here!

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Photo Credit: Bravo

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