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RHOBH Recap: The Proof Hurts [Episode 5]

by: Sam Allan from Good Tea
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author (Good Tea), and they do not reflect in any way those of

Just like Denise Richards, I am so fucking confused. Are we watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills or Pretty Little Liars? 

Did these ladies kill someone and bury their body in Villa Rosa because to the untrained eye you would think a major crime was committed in all of this mishegas, I'm enjoying this season but I feel like I'm doing a jigsaw puzzle and the producers are only giving us one small piece at a time. I've never been an LVP fan (don't @ me) however, I'm not opposed to being on her side, I just know everything out of her mouth is as authentic as most of the cast's breasts. 

Before we dive into all the dog drama let's start with something a little lighter: Denise Richards. Charlie Sheen's long-suffering ex-wife is a breath of fresh air on this show. She's relatable, fun, wears jean shorts and eats chicken nuggets from the kid's menu, what's not love? Denise is a great escape from the heavy, contrived Lucy Lucy Apple Juicy drama and she represents us all by never what the fuck any of these women are talking about. Denise Richards is the newbie Teddi wanted to be but with way more confidence and a strong threshold from years of dealing with Charlie. This week Denise woke up and decided to marry her boyfriend Aaron in ten days time after his divorce with Nicollette Sheridan was finally finalised. How are the divorcees of Charlie Sheen and Nicollette Sheridan such well-rounded people? I don't understand. 

Denise's fiance Aaron is literally perfect. He's a daddy with a capital D, a great stepfather to her children, loves her in an authentic way and truly seems to be a genuinely good human being. Wow, she really doesn't have a type. Aaron is into all that zodiac, energy healing, kale eating shit but as long as he's fucking Denise all the live long day I really don't think she's listening to anything that comes out of his mouth. Aaron decided to have their wedding on 8/9/2018 for all these mathematical zodiac reasons which really did not make sense but as long as Denise has a ring on her finger and a shotgun wedding storyline under her belt, who the fuck is complaining? Even if she's only in this thing for one season at least she got a Bravo funded wedding out of it. #Winning. 

Someone else I'm obsessed with is Lisa Fucking Rinna. No one has better energy than her, she's ALWAYS ready to go and is so much fun. How can so much fun fit into such a little package? Lisa is like a bullet vibrator, you turn her on and she starts taking you on so many directions you can't even remember how you got there. Seeing her pose for a gardening magazine in couture was truly unstoppable television and if she ever leaves this show I'll riot until the cows come home, so when does LVP finish up at SUR? Around 5 maybe? 

Seeing Kyle's daughter leave for college on today of all days, you know when Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin along with 50 other wealthy parents were arrested for being involved in a cheating scheme to get their children into college, was troubling to see but there's no arrest warrant out for this Housewife's arrest and that's all that matters. Fate really has a way of working in Bravo's favour because after seeing the 780th storyline of a Housewife taking their kid off to college, I would've been far less interested if this cheating scandal wasn't all over the news. I don't even have anything to report. They took Sofia to Washington, the whole family cried, Alexia was drunk, Mauricio curled his wife's weave for her and I realised Kyle and Mauricio KNOW how to procreate. This is a very attractive family, especially when you consider Kyle's old nose. 

Now to the dog drama. Teddi strolled over to Erika's Pasadena estate which looks like the inside of a coffin to confess to her part of the Lucy Lucy Apple Juicy set up. While in her chapel, which I really hope Erika has fucked in because if not that's more than a missed opportunity for her and Mr Girardi, Teddi admitted she was told about the dog drama by Blizzard at the request of Vanderpump and decided to go along with exposing Dorit for giving away the dog. Teddi was set to talk about the dog during the awkward Vanderpump Dogs scene but ultimately pulled away when she saw LVP screeching "I don't want to talk about it" when she was the one instructing Teddi to talk about it. Let's look at the facts. Lisa informed her henchmen to tell Teddi while she simultaneously texted Dorit saying "Teddi knows" and encouraged the Accountability coach to bring it up only to retract herself and put the focus onto Teddi. Yes, it sounds fucking crazy because IT IS fucking crazy but that's what 10 years on a reality show will do to a gal.

While Teddi was confessing to her sins, LVP had a meeting with John Blizzard where the Vanderpump gay admitted to lying about Lisa wanting him to tell Teddi. Are you fucking kidding me? Cut me a fucking break? So this whole thing boils down to a dog groomer telling Teddi his boss told him to tell her explosive information about their costar but he was actually lying. Is anyone buying this? First of all, if LVP and Dorit are really as close as she wants us to think they are, wouldn't Lisa be a little more pissed that her employee would not only lie to her friend about her but also attempt to throw her other friend under the bus? Instead, she just told him to stop lying while Dirty John admitted to telling a fib. Are we supposed to believe there wasn't any contact before this conversation about what he was supposed to say? 

LVP obviously told Blizzard to tell Teddi and then brought him on camera to make him admit to lying to clean her hands of the situation because if your employee told a lie about you to hurt your friend, wouldn't you fire them on the spot? The Blizzard scene was one of the most contrived things I've ever laid my eyes on but this Vanderpump gay loves being at the centre of a major Housewives feud. This queen is definitely throwing viewing parties every Tuesday, hashtagging the shit out of his social media and living up this bitchy dog drama with the hope of the Vanderpump Dogs spinoff taking off, which nobody wants to watch. If this storyline has taught me anything it's that I never want to hear the term "Vanderpump Dogs" ever again let alone watch a show revolving around people washing dogs and picking up shit. 

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 9 airs Tuesday nights at 9pm/8c on Bravo!

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Photo Credit: Bravo