Wednesday, March 27, 2019

RHOBH Recap: Eat, Drink, And Be Married [Episode 7]

by: Sam Allan from Good Tea
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author (Good Tea), and they do not reflect in any way those of iRealHousewives.com.

Denise Richards doesn’t give a fuck. What other Beverly Hills Housewife or any Housewife for that matter would walk down the aisle to heavy middle music, wearing a mini dress after making her guests wait an hour and a half in the Malibu sun. 

Denise is my kind of girl. I hate weddings especially on Bravo, the lead up is boring, nobody cares how much money you spent or if the dress will be delivered on time. No one cares, however, that’s why Denise’s wedding was one of my favourites because the bride herself didn’t even care about the big day. 

Instead of wasting our time complaining about her big day all season long, Denise planned her entire wedding in two days and all she really needed to do was buy a pink infinity flower wall, rent out a cute Malibu garden, invite her new cast members along and wear her wedding dress that had less material than anything Erika Jayne’s ever worn. There’s not even much to report from this wedding episode but not in a bad way, in a quick and peaceful way. The only bad thing was that Denise waited an hour and a half to show up to her own wedding but the juxtaposition of her waltzing around her house drinking tequila and laughing in tracksuit pants while her guests were melting in the sun was amazing. 

A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.

I don’t care what anyone says Denise is an amazing addition to the show. She has a crazy Hollywood past, a down to earth personality, a loving heart and a hot husband with a dick as big as his forearm. What else do we need? She’s the comedic relief in the mess that is #PuppyGate and thanks to Denise’s wedding this was the first episode of the season where no one spoke about this fucking dog. Well almost. During the ceremony helicopters flew overhead and no, it wasn’t the Malibu police department, it was paparazzi which proves that Denise has still got it and seeing Rinna wave to a pap she’s known for years was fucking incredible. If Bravo ever choose to get rid of Lisa Rinna and her lips I will riot. 

Charlie Sheen was invited but obviously couldn’t make it because there were cameras present, however, someone that could make it was a man who fucked Lisa Rinna and Denise Richards at the same time without either of them nothing. How much more overlap can these women take? How small is this town? First, their husbands were married to the same woman and now they also share an Eskimo brother, or are they Eskimo sisters? I'm so confused. This guy named Patrick was Rinna’s brother on Days Of Our Lives which is weird enough but even weirder was LVP asking who was better in the sack. Obviously, we all wanted to know but that 75-year-old nymphomaniac didn’t need to be the one to ask. 

I almost forgot about the dog drama in this episode. We didn’t hear a peep out of Teddi and LVP barely made an appearance, thank fuck for Denise. Teddi and Erika had to leave Denise’s wedding at four for unknown reasons (maybe to go to Kyle’s party) which only left a few ladies around to talk shit and mess about on camera. 

Can we talk about their costumes because these women don’t wear clothes, they wear costumes. Teddi looked the most normal, as per usual, while Dorit looked like she was going to the beach. She dresses up for any and every occasion but wore a basic denim jacket and high pony to a wedding? Erika also looked like she barely rolled out of bed with a very basic Lisa Rinna for QVC jumpsuit and hair that didn’t even look done. Did her glam squad have the day off or did she decide to come as Erika Girardi from ten years ago? Rinna’s dress looked like an acid trip in the best way possible and LVP paraded her 75-year-old tits around the event like they’re something people actually want to see. Thank you, next. 

Just when it appeared #PuppyGate was finally on it's way out and everybody started being civil after LVP trying to throw Dorit under the bus, an article magically leaked to Radar Online about the entire ordeal. Kill me now. Of course, Dorit was horrified as the article slammed her for returning a dog to a shelter and claimed Lisa Vanderpump doesn't hold a grudge. Wow, I don't know what's more of a lie - the Vanderpump one obviously. Dorit's knee jerk reaction was to blame her friend for leaking this story to the press and although I can't stand Vanderpump there would've been so many people who knew about this stupid dog story by this point in the season. The producers, hairdressers, make up artists, assistants, cousins, neighbours, employees and even Porsha probably knew too much about the scandal. Anyone could've leaked the story.


The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 9 airs Tuesday nights at 9pm/8c on Bravo!

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Photo Credit: Bravo

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