Thursday, February 7, 2019

RHONJ Recap: Heroines In Heels [Episode 14]

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author (Good Tea), and they do not reflect in any way those of iRealHousewives.com.

Throwing wine on each other and smashing glasses is cute, it gives the show a soap opera flair we need, however, creating a shiv like this is Orange Is The New Black is next level fucked up. I’m not a lawyer but I’m sure there are more than a few felonies in there. I’m glad Dolores decided to leave the backseat she’s been sitting in for the entire season and seize her moment of trying to fuck Jennifer up for acting like a total fucking idiot. 

Melissa charging across the table proclaiming "You got the wrong fucking girl" and then walking off ten seconds later proved that no, Jennifer got the right girl. If Jennifer had violently smashed a wine glass into a shiv in the direction of Teresa, Dolores or especially crazy ass Danielle, she would've ended up with it inside her rectum or at least her weave would be on the floor, however, Melissa Gorga couldn't do anything except act tough and pissed off while a security guard with a lollipop stood there not giving a fuck. In what way was she the "wrong girl" to get because she and Dolores both subsequently made up with Jennifer at Margaret's event like nothing happened. So my question for Melissa's frontal lobe is how and why would she be considered the wrong girl.

Jennifer’s behaviour is weird and not in a wacky, fun way, in an odd, dangerous, attention-seeking way and seeing Dolores try to kick her ass was amazing,  now she just needs to channel that same energy onto Danielle. How did this fight go from Margaret vs Danielle to Teresa vs Melissa and then Dolores vs Jennifer? It took so many right turns they’re just going in a circle at this point. This dinner didn’t fucking stop and if Danielle wasn’t in the middle pretending to break up this fight when she was really just trying to get on camera, Dolores should’ve knocked Jennifer’s teeth out. 

All the ladies disbursed and went back to their rooms where Marge ordered a cheeseburger. Dousing someone in red wine and ordering a cheeseburger through room service that production is paying for is really a way to spend your night. That's seriously an A++++ night and I doubt most people's weddings or births of their children could feel as good as ruining a Prostitution Whore's rented dress and celebrating by elevating your cholesterol. Margaret Josephs is a fucking icon. While The Marge and Jackie ate their comfort food, Melissa decided to talk to Teresa about the massive group fight. Who cares? Teresa has the brain of a walnut, actually isn't a walnut huge? A cashew then. All the Margaret propaganda Tre spills was implanted in her head by Danielle 84 seconds before the cameras started rolling, so why even try and reason with her. 

Teresa continuously saying Margaret "dropped" Danielle after her wedding is a fucking joke. Teresa was one of the cast members who had a FRONT ROW SEAT to literally all the Margaret and Danielle drama. She was in her wedding, she saw them fight endlessly over Danielle being a bridezilla and blaming Marge for any little thing she could think of, so how is she walking about saying Marge dropped her like a bad habit for no good reason? No part of that even remotely makes sense. And the biggest issue of this group is no longer Danielle, who got absolutely no air time, but the shiv maker herself, Jennifer. We have seen a lot as Housewives fans. We've watched tables be flipped, weaves be pulled and even a fucking leg be thrown, however, seeing Jennifer turn glassware into a weapon seemed wrong and like we officially crossed a boundary.

Side note: I love a good Kim D flashback, especially when she's spilling venom about someone and Juicy Joe calling Teresa a cunt in a vineyard then denying having an affair we all knew he had at the reunion is golden. New Jersey flashbacks are the best flashbacks. 

After the rumble in Mexico, nothing fucking happened. Also, shout out to the cleaning crew who had to sweep up the several broken glasses and spilled red wine because they are the real unsung heroes of this show. Not one of the girls even stopped to bat an eye about what the cleaning crew had to go through as a result of their dramatic flairs. Do they have to pay extra to have minimum wage workers clean up after them? Are they banned from Cabo? Why is it every time these New Jersey broads travel overseas they need to smash glasses and cause a scene, something tells me if Danielle Staub wasn't around they'd be much more stemware still accessible after their visit? 

Following such a HEAVY Danielle Staub episode last week, I'm glad we can have a break from seeing her Botox ridden face and Scientology level mind control skills. This was a boring episode, I can't lie. Most of the ladies just recited the trip back to their husbands where Jennifer thought she was some kind of icon by bragging about breaking a glass and telling her husband Margaret made up a cheating rumour about him. Jennifer fucking sucks and yes, I recognise she's good for the show, but she's not fun to watch. Everything she does is cringeworthy and thinks she's cool when in reality she's just a sad soon-to-be divorcee with a husband who hates her and an unhealthy Chanel addition. Out of all the brands she could choose to dedicate her life to, why the fuck was it Chanel? 

Joe Gorga knows Danielle Staub is bad news by calling her the Black Widow of New Jersey. Can she put that in her Instagram bio? I don't know anyone who's ever been described more accurately and she should really consider getting it tattooed above her vagina, just to warn any future customers from proposing to her. Do we think she'll ever get engaged again because after watching her or even hearing of Danielle would be enough to make you move three states away. This was hands down Joe Gorga's best line ever, next to calling his sister garbage during his son's christening. 


The Real Housewives of New Jersey Season 9 airs Wednesday nights at 9pm/8c on Bravo!

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