Wednesday, February 27, 2019

RHOBH Recap: Sun And Shade In The Bahamas [Episode 3]

by: Sam Allan from Good Tea
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author (Good Tea), and they do not reflect in any way those of iRealHousewives.com.

I'm over the British humour, I'm over punishing your cast members after you claim to forgive them, I'm over the scheming and I'm over the jokes that aren't funny. In short, I'm over LVP. 

I've never exactly been ON Lisa Vanderpump, however, hearing her begin the episode by "punishing" Dorit with jokes more tired than her British blowout was more than I could handle. Even on the off chance LVP didn't construct the entire dog drama, I'm over her and we need to put these cow out to pasture on her Sexy Unique Spinoff. 

There's a bunch of Vanderpump supporters aggressively threatening the cast members lives on Twitter but can we all take a second and reason with reality. We don't know anything. We as fans think we know the story because Us Weekly released a few exclusives, but we don't know shit and that's exactly why we're tuning in week after week. Maybe we'll find out that Teddi was involved? Maybe LVP's plan will be unveiled? Who knows? But that's why we're fucking watching. That being said, after being accused of being manipulative for the last eight seasons, are we really supposed to believe there's a chance LVP wasn't involved? 

As a nice backdrop to the constant dog shit being stirred amongst the group, the ladies took a trip to the Bahamas to "reconnect" with each other. Along with being done with LVP's tired jokes, I'm also done with seeing her boss people around and try to take "the best room" when A. Dorit is the pretend host of the trip and B. every room is fit for a fucking queen - or chairman in this case.  Everyone was greeted by a butler upon their arrival while Erika's glam squad provided her with a much needed welcome. Any other Housewife with a glam squad gives me a headache but the fact that Erika flys her bevy of gays around the world just to be dressed like a Barbie doll is BALLER. That's fuck you money and I appreciate it. 

Not to be insensitive but can we go five seconds without LVP's brother being brought up. Yes, she's suffering from the death of her only sibling, I'm not even going to try and understand what Lisa Vanderpump is going through, however, we can't get through a scene without her bringing him up then saying she doesn't want to talk about it. Can the editors at least try and half the amount of brother talk we see? I sympathise with Lisa but we get the point. The ladies also keep blaming her weird behaviour and annoying sense of humour on her brother's death. She had the exact same "British humour" and manipulative ways five months ago and it has nothing to do with her brother dying, if you're a cunt, you're a cunt. RIP though. 

For the ladies first night in the Bahamas, they all gathered in Dorit and LVP's suite for drinks which just consisted of LVP and Kyle having a side conversation about her deceased brother while Denise and Teddi competed over growing up with famous parents, for the record I'd much rather grow up as the child of a troubled drug addict sitcom star and a Playboy posing Bond girl than John Mellencamp. Can you imagine the stories Denise's children could tell? Their father had a nervous breakdown, lost his multi-millionaire job, had some kind of interaction with tiger's blood, has an affinity for cocaine, lived with his "Goddesses" AKA pornstar girlfriends as a polygamous couple and has AIDS. That Lifetime movie writes itself. 

Rinna was in the mood to shit stir in this episode. Kyle joked Dorit was allergic to dogs, alluding to the Vanderpump Dog drama which caused Rinna's mess antenna to shoot right up into the air. The thing which makes LVP's involvement in the set up clear to a trained reality TV eye is the fact that she won't talk about it. These women's job is to talk about everything and by Lisa saying "I don't want to talk about, I don't want to talk about it" just draws more attention to the issue rather than if she had come out with a quick comment to shut everything down. LVP is crafty with her work, she uses a third party to release information against someone she wants to take down and punishing them through a public feud with someone else while she can sit back and be the funny British matriarch with 78 dogs. 

She's done it countless times and she's just repeating the same pattern by using her Vanderpump henchmen to bring the dog around and plant a seed in Dorit's ear that Teddi was talking about the issue. It's textbook LVP and her techniques have become way too obvious after eight years in the game. She needs new material because this bitch is slipping. Lisa Rinna caught on to this entire Vanderpump Dogs saga being an LVP set up three seconds into hearing about the story, she knows this game and she's been to this Vanderpump produced rodeo before, I'm just glad we have someone like Rinna who isn't afraid to stir shit up and hates Lisa Vanderpump enough to expose her, because Kyle KNEW this was a set up from the moment that dog was paraded in front of the cameras, but she was too scared to bring it up herself. 

Maybe Kyle and Teddi planned the entire thing? I don't know. None of us know. My money is on Lisa Vanderpump but time (AND THOSE SCREENSHOTS) will tell. Even though we all know screenshots can be edited and changed, I live for a receipt especially in the form of a manila folder inbetween reunion couch cushions. While in The Bahamas, Dorit took the ladies to a private island, which is the most Beverly Hills thing you could do. Everyone played in the water, got drunk and ran around in their colourful bikinis while Lisa Vanderpump sat on the shore as if she was a grandmother watching her grandchildren splash around in the shallow water. That's whats different about LVP, she's a 75-year-old spinster while everyone else on this cast, even Camille, is ready to throw on a bikini and splash around. I'd rather watch these bitches have fun, but I understand we need a web-spinning headmistress to keep the drama alive. 

Speaking of drama, whilst on the private island inbetween pina coladas and Denise Richards giving us a Bond girl beach walk, Rinna decided to get all the ladies to clear the air on all these issues. God bless Lisa Rinna, she's at her best when the group drama has NOTHING to do with her, so she can subtly stir the pot from the side with a shit eating grin on her face. Rinna can do no wrong in my eyes, If loving Lisa Rinna is so wrong, why does it feel so right? Just as I thought Erika was more likeable this season by drinking in the sun and being carefree, her stone cold monotone attitude of discounting her costars feelings as they cry found a way to rear its ugly head. While completing Rinna's shit stirring exercise, LVP decided to confront Erika about a note she received after her brother died. 

Erika wrote Vanderpump a handwritten note after her brother died because she didn't feel comfortable calling and LVP was upset about it. Are you fucking kidding me? Is it just me or is it weird to criticize the way someone sent you condolences? Lisa is way too hypersensitive and it's one of the key reasons I can't fuck with her, it's annoying and time-consuming. Who gives a fuck? A handwritten note is intimate and if she had a problem she could've addressed the issue FOUR months ago when her brother passed and not when they started filming together. They're not friends, they're coworkers and frankly, LVP's lucky she even got the note - the note that was written on personalised stationery I might add, now that's FUCK YOU money. 


The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 9 airs Tuesday nights at 9pm/8c on Bravo!

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Photo Credit: Bravo

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