Monday, February 11, 2019

RHOA Recap: Lost In Translation [Episode 14]

by: Sam Allan from Good Tea
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author (Good Tea), and they do not reflect in any way those of iRealHousewives.com.

Full disclosure, I was setting up my new iPhone while watching this episode #multitasking, so I wasn't totally devoted to whatever the fuck was going on in Tokyo but this trip feels like it's been going on for thirty-seven years and there's only so much dark Gregg drama I can take. This was a lukewarm episode, however, seeing NeNe physically assault a cameraman in the midseason trailer did pique my interest for what's to come. 

Tanya is an underrated piece of Canadian bacon this franchise needs that nobody is appreciating. She gave Eva a bachelorette party which everybody shat on because she did an over the top dance at the beginning. Was she doing the most? Of course, but if she was meek and quiet everyone would call her boring, so she can't win. When she tries to be animated, she's extra and when she's quiet, she's boring. Everyone's lowkey disapproval of Tanya goes hand in hand with the group's need to crawl up NeNe's asshole. Seeing six women all poking out of NeNe's rectum is tiresome because NeNe can't give us what we need when everyone likes her. 

During the bachelorette party, NeNe was being a bitch. Yes, she had troubles with Gregg but has she never heard of common decency? And wouldn't she enjoy herself more if she attempted to crack a smile and have fun? It's just a thought. She was walking around with a storm cloud over her head and nobody even tried to shade her shitty behaviour. I love Tanya, but the bachelorette party was weird. The Japanese stripper was reminiscent of those weird Mexican strippers who sexually assaulted the Orange County Housewives a few seasons back. 

The Japanese stripper was lazy. He SAT on the couch next to Eva, just casually sitting there, and slowly took off all his clothes except his thong and socks. Did he really need to keep his socks on? Is that how they do it in Japan? He didn't really give us the energy we needed from an international stripper and he didn't even give us a body roll. Once he was done with sitting half naked next to the bride to be, he wandered out of the room, not even trying to twerk all over the other ladies, and you know Cynthia wanted some Japanese ass jiggling in her face. Following the weird stripper experience, Tanya also wanted to play some weird Japanese dress up game which would've been good at a six-year-old's birthday party but not a bachelorette party on the Real Housewives of Atlanta, but that's more of Japan's fault than it is Tanya's. 

Naturally, Kandi came up with the idea of the group to put pickles in their crotches and try to fuck another cast member with it to show everyone their favourite positions. Wow. Wow. Wow. Where does Kandi get these ideas from? This was to be one of the best games they've ever played, even if it does include penetration. Seeing a group of women bending each other over and putting pickles where they should never go was a welcomed surprise and when I woke up I didn't think it would be apart of my day. These ladies had five nights alone in Japan, so those pickles definitely came in handy. Literally. Following Kandi getting the group all hot and bothered, everyone went clubbing and Marlo was locked out of her room drunk, which is the most Marlo thing ever. Drunk talking to international hotel staff at 4 am is so fucking relatable. Never change, Marlotta. 

Nothing else really happened for most of the trip. All the girls did some Samurai class which was just boring. If these women are playing with knives I want to see them cutting each other, not playing around with them. Japan was a weird place to go and I'm not sure I liked the choice. I don't want to see my Housewives learning and being cultured abroad. No no. If I was into learning through TV I'd turn on Sesame Street, I want to see them drunk on a beach, fighting over nonsense and throwing tasty cocktails onto one another. I NEVER thought I'd say this but they need to start taking notes of Jersey and if you have to learn from any cast, it shouldn't be New Jersey. 


The Real Housewives of Atlanta Season 11 airs Sunday nights at 8pm/7c on Bravo!

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Photo Credit: Bravo

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