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RHONJ Recap: Camels, Cabo And Catfights [Episode 13]

by: Sam Allan from Good Tea
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author (Good Tea), and they do not reflect in any way those of

My mouth is still on the floor. What. The. Fuck. For years we had to sit through boring season after boring season, however, the Bravo gods must have finally heard our prayers and acknowledged our patience because this was one of the best hours of television I've ever watched. It was an A-List Housewives episode from start to finish and it's one of those trips I'm sure I'll rewatch many times on a raining day, or even a sunny day because I'm nostalgic like that.

The group is officially divided. The cast members with working frontal lobes: Melissa, Margaret and Jackie are on one side with Danielle using the same manipulation skills on Teresa and Jennifer as she did on the 20 people she somehow convinced to spend the rest of their lives with her, while Dolores is wondering around in the middle seeing exactly what's up. After brainwashing the dumbest people on the cast through Scientology-level mind control shit, Danielle then set her sights on turning Melissa against the Marge too. Melissa Gorga isn't the most exciting cast member and her relationship with Teresa is the only reason she's come this far, however, she has enough of a brain to see through Danielle's bullshit. 

What did Margaret do to Danielle? She went to Dolores' event, planned her bachelorette party and then decided to leave Danielle's wedding when she was being abused for months on end but somehow she's the villain in all of this. I'm confused, is Danielle Staub crazy enough to think she's right or does she know Margaret did nothing to her and she just needs a storyline? Danielle was a total cunt to Margaret and her pigtails but somehow Teresa believes every word she's saying. I always knew Teresa Giudice was an idiot, but I had a little more faith in her to not become Danielle's puppet. Can you imagine being a puppet of Danielle fucking Staub? That's a sad reality. Seeing Tre spill out Margaret propaganda fed to her by Danielle 30 minutes prior is like the scene in Aladdin where Jafar uses his stick to brainwash Jasmine, however, in this Jasmine has no forehead and Jafar does crack.

Danielle Staub is literally one of the worst people to walk this earth, let alone appear on the Housewives. She's the Hitler of New Jersey (sorry Siggy) and her face belongs on the Mount Rushmore of Hell along with Bin Laden, Hitler and Charles Manson. She's good TV to a degree, however, everything she does is so contrived and planned it's sadder than Jennifer's Chanel addiction. This sums up everything we need to know about the Prostitution Whore and this episode: Emotions don't drive Danielle, fame does and she'll do anything to keep the Bravo checks and Instagram followers coming.

Along with Danielle and her flying monkey Teresa, Jennifer also jumped on the "I Hate Margaret" train. Jacqueline Laurita 2.0 thinks it's cute when she gets drunk and goes on a tequila rampage but it's just a cry for help on the rocks with lime. If you're a cunt, you're a cunt, you can't use alcohol as an excuse and laugh it off like a yeast infection. For round two of Jennifer vs Marge, the Turkish newbie launched into being offended over Margaret talking about her lips. Um. Does she not remember calling Teresa's necklace ugly in front of Teresa or did the tequila make her forget? In footnotes: Jennifer started attacking Marge Sr saying Margaret grew up in a cheating environment, so the pigtailed Housewife clapped back saying Jennifer's husband sleeps in the pool house and/or his girlfriend's bed.

Jennifer started screaming like a banshee, so if her husband and his botox don't have a mistress across town in Paramus, I'll be surprised. Both women were wrong. They both were, but you can't talk about someone's mother without them pulling a Tonya Harding and hitting you below the belt just as hard. Margaret admitted she didn't know anything about him cheating and only said it to hurt her, which is the best kind of Housewife. She can throw down, give us a GIF-worthy moment and then apologise 30 seconds later. Danielle was waiting for Margaret to say something, so she could run after Mrs Turkey and poison her head. Jennifer, open your fucking eyes and see this vile human is not your friend, you're being used more than a sex doll.

In between the insults and Three Stooges shit talking Margaret, the ladies went camel riding. It was fun. I think? But the only noteworthy thing to transpire from that scene was Teresa having an orgasm and hoping Juicy Joe will be different when he gets out. Can we change when to if because we all know he'll be on the next flight to Naples as soon as he gets out of prison and Teresa isn't sad. She may be sad her daughters won't have a father but Teresa Giudice has changed, grown and evolved so she is more than over Juicy Joe. On the off chance he does come home, Joe will go back to the same lazy, sweaty meatball he was before the FBI started knocking on his door. 

Following a trip full of Jennifer and Margaret fighting about husbands, mothers and monkey assholes, the ladies sat down for a final dinner which will now go down in Housewives history. It's been a while since we have seen soap opera level antics on these shows, but trust in the New Jersey ladies to smash several glasses and leave an elegant dinner in bruises, and I use elegant very lightly. Everyone was getting a light buzz, Jennifer and Teresa were slowly becoming late in life lesbians and everything was good until Danielle Staub opened her cesspit of a mouth. If Danielle's mouth was a restaurant it would've been closed by the health department twelve times. The Prostitution Whore brought the monkey asshole comment back to the forefront of the conversation before bringing up Margaret's kids. 

Any fan of the show knows the hurt The Marge has felt from her children not talking to her. We've seen her cry countless times about the void in life, so if you want to hit Margaret where it hurts, anyone would know that you attack her relationship with her children and that's exactly what Danielle was doing. The "friend of" kept talking about her children not being in her life, which has literally nothing to do with their beef, and baiting her like a fishing line. Finally Margaret had enough and drenched the bitch in red wine before leaving the table and walking up a marble staircase like the queen she is. It took one trip and the Marge has officially become the star of this show, forget Teresa, all roads lead to The Marge and between her feud with Jennifer and drenching the Disney villain of the group in staining alcohol, she's officially achieved legend status within the Housewives universe. Congrats Pigtails, you did well. 

Danielle deserved every drop of red wine she got on her rented dress and was just upset she could no longer return it. All is fair in love and war, however, you can’t be surprised when someone dowses you in red wine for talking about their children, Danielle was looking for a reaction and she sure as fuck got one. As Margaret and her train walked up the stairs, the Prostitution Whore had to physically be restrained by security as she tried her hardest to smash a glass. Does Danielle throw glasses in her spare time just to get the perfect angle when she performs another one of her rehearsed glass throws? After the ladies were allowed to be alone with glassware at the table again, they then started fighting about the fight they just had. 

Teresa defended Danielle to the death which is like Elmo defending Oscar the Grouch. She doesn't like Margaret because she spoke about Jennifer's husband but Danielle spoke about her kids and Jennifer talked about her mother. If someone had said an ounce of what they said about her mother or children, Teresa would've flipped more than a table on them. Look, no one is right here, it's just different shades of wrong. They were all wrong for talking about their parents, children and husbands but they are making good TV and that's literally the only factor that matters, but Tre's contention of hating Margaret makes no sense when her "friends" have cast the exact same stones. 

The Real Housewives of New Jersey Season 9 airs Wednesday nights at 9pm/8c on Bravo!

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Photo Credit: Bravo