Thursday, December 6, 2018

RHONJ Recap: Turkish Delights [Episode 5]

by: Sam Allan from Good Tea
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author (Good Tea), and they do not reflect in any way those of iRealHousewives.com.

The main source of drama amongst the group is the ancient Gorga/Giudice feud being defrosted for the umpteenth time while Danielle Staub has disappeared into the background and is getting less screen time than Marge Sr. I'm not complaining because the prostitution whore should only be around for drama purposes but her place on the show confuses me considering her wedding is supposed (?) to be a focal part of the season.

Maybe they edited her out when they realised even Kim Kardashian was able to stay married longer than she could. Her only appearance on this episode lasted roughly three minutes when she came into Margaret's house, called her a bitch, made up with her for the cameras and said she'd cut a bitch if she posted a photo with Dolores. I know it sounds like fun and games but if I were The Marge I'd sleep with one eye open because Danielle has Miami drug cartel connections and a pistol-whipping past. She'll do anything to remain on television, which is sad of course but also ensures she'll keep us entertained. 

Melissa decided to tell her sisters about the simple girl who's heard dead folks all her life telling her that they may or may not have another sister who is the product of their father's philandering ways. We learned her father would come and go as he pleased so it's more than likely he did procreate but now Melissa and her sisters decided to talk to "Mommy" to see if they can move forward in their search to find their bastard relative. Am I the only one who finds it hard to see grown adults call their parents mommy and daddy? When do we cut the umbilical cord? Long lost relative storylines are always entertaining and Melissa is clinging to this as Rose clung to that wardrobe after the Titanic went down. Finally, she has a storyline that doesn't involve her husband belittling her, so I just hope they find her so we can see if she has her original nose like the other two sisters do. 

I'm confused about what to think of the newbie's husbands. I think Jackie's is hot. I think? He looks like a hunky businessman who had to pretend not to know Teresa Giudice and her husband both went to prison which has been the main plotline of the show his wife is now apart of while she folded laundry right in front of him. I was mildly attracted to him but with different lighting, it could all change, I definitely need an episode or two to see how I'm feeling. 

But he looks like a Calvin Klein model compared to Jennifer's Turkish controlling husband who looks like he eats chicken carcases for breakfast. Bill reminds me of a Disney villain and after examining his face while he lectured his wife about controlling their children I came to the conclusion that he looks like a fat Jafar. I literally have no idea how she has sex with him because the idea of kissing that man makes me wants to go into the witness protection program and to make matters worse he's a plastic surgeon, that's like going to a dentist with bad teeth.

Of course, the driving factors of the show this season are Teresa instigating another family feud and Jacqueline Laurita 2.0's bleak McMansion she won't shut the fuck up about. I know there's a lot of Trehuggers out there so don't @ me, but how is anyone a genuine fan of Teresa Giudice? I don't think I've ever come across a person with less brain cells than everybody's favourite felon. She literally sounds like she's reading off cue cards in her confessions, she doesn't understand anything people say when she is having conversations and doesn't know how to fully form sentences. Watching Teresa try to make a sentence in her head is wildly entertaining because it's like watching the thought process of a four-year-old and although this isn't Sesame Street, sometimes I feel like that she'd be a much better fit on there. 

The problem with Jersey is that there's no intelligent cast member calling people out. New York has Bethenny to keep everybody in line with her quick-witted ways and all the ladies in Atlanta are very fast to clap back but everybody in Jersey seems like they missed a few classes in high school and didn't bother going back, so they let Teresa get away with her bullshit because they jump on her confusing train of thought when arguing with her, instead of trapping her in her words and keeping her accountable for idiotic things she says. Caroline Manzo was the last person to hold Tre in her place and wouldn't let her bullshit take over the show but ever since she left it's turned into The Teresa Giudice Show. Margaret and Dolores have become my favourites on this franchise because they actually have brains, think for themselves and don't get lost in Tre's messy train of thought but the show still seems too Teresa-centric for them to call her out on anything. 

The ladies finally got a tour of Jennifer's McMansion she won't stop talking about and I'm sure everybody was surprised by the lacklustre house she showed them. From the outside, it looks like a huge well-built facade with an impressive driveway, high columns and a beautiful fountain and the bones of the house are good with nice walls and strong staircases, however, it seems like she spent way too much money on building the house and only had spare change to furnish it. For a house she compared to the Taj Mahal and Monte Carlo, you would think she'd buy furniture which didn't look like it would be found in her daughter's Hello Dream House. The white tacky thrones at her dining table look cheap, all the rooms look mostly empty and unfinished, the over the top Middle Eastern furniture is a tough pill to swallow on her cheap looking floors and her bleak marble monstrosity of a house is way too white, bland and clinical. 

It screams new money and reminds me of Teresa building her compound and spending money that wasn't hers on expensive furniture. Teresa's furniture matches the style and magnitude of her house, however, Jennifer's looks cheap, tacky and completely underwhelming. If you're going to build a compound in New Jersey wouldn't you spend the money to buy an interior decorator to make sure it's styled correctly? 

Jen claimed she flew all the way to China to buy furniture for the house which explains it because everything looks mass produced. If she wants a Turkish style house wouldn't she go to Turkey? She said she only visited China because she first visited Chinatown but everything was too expensive. That was her first mistake because if you're in Chinatown looking for furniture you're already in the wrong place. Hopefully, Bravo allows Jeff Lewis or somebody to do a special and redo her house because it's tough to look at week after week. And by the way, she is counting single toilet rooms in her sixteen bathrooms which doesn't really count and completely puts her insane amount of commodes into perspective. 

For her house tour, Jacqueline Laurita 2.0 invited everybody's kids to her house to play in the basement while the mother's fought upstairs which is the most Jersey thing ever. Do the producers give children candy and Adderall before they start shooting because from the moment the cameras go up they run around wreaking havoc on their mothers and screaming like they're being murdered. This is why I miss New York because we don't get Chucky Cheese scenes on there and every Housewives show needs to abide by those standards. 

Naturally, the topic of the Gorga/Giudice feud was brought up and after Joe stormed out of Tre's house after getting angry about her shit talking him on the Oklahoma trip, Teresa once again blamed Melissa for the blow up because she thinks she could've controlled his outburst by relaying him the message in a different way. Joe Gorga is hot-headed and doesn't ever listen to Melissa's opinion so she could've told him about Teresa being in a bitch in the nicest way ever and he still would've punched a boxing bag. I'm sick of this storyline and Teresa feeling the need to blame everything on Melissa. Teresa wants her to fix it but gets mad when she brings it and blamed her for getting Joe mad, everything is always Melissa's fault and Teresa is acting like a 13-year-old trying to get her sibling in trouble. Grow the fuck up. Melissa can't win so she's better off to put headphones in and let Teresa ramble, throw a table and do whatever she needs to do.

Dolores got involved because she thought Joe was mad at her after Teresa told him she was the one who brought him going on holiday for their mother's death anniversary. Joe's not stupid, he knows Dolores isn't starting drama for the sake of it and anything she says is coming from Teresa talking shit. Tre will blame anyone else to get out of the hot seat and "swore to God" it wasn't her who told Dolores, even though we literally saw her tell her weeks ago in Oklahoma. She may not have forced her to bring it up but Dolores wouldn't have known without Teresa telling her, but that's probably Melissa's fault too. During the "family discussion," it started going in circles like things normally do with Teresa Giudice when Jackie stepped in to address the elephant in the room by asking if Juicy Joe would be in prison if Tre could control him. The answer is no. Nobody can control their husbands, especially Teresa who spent a year on cell block B because of what he did. 


The Real Housewives of New Jersey Season 9 airs Wednesday nights at 9pm/8c on Bravo!

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Photo Credit: Bravo

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