Monday, December 3, 2018

RHOA Recap: Tatted Tales [Episode 5]

by: Sam Allan from Good Tea
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author (Good Tea), and they do not reflect in any way those of iRealHousewives.com.

I feel bad because I want to give you guys new and juicy content but I just don't care. I know every week I say the same thing but this franchise just isn't doing it for me and nobody will ever be able to replace the shoes which Kenya Moore once stood in. As much as it was a shitty hour of television, it's bittersweet because a boring episode always translates to a bitchy recap we can all enjoy. 

This is essentially the Porsha show. There is WAY too much Porsha to make this franchise enjoyable and although I thought the TMP would die down after the premiere, it's still alive and well. The TMP wouldn't be bad if she had an entertaining storyline, a boyfriend who didn't mumble every time he opens his mouth, didn't overact for the cameras and TMP definitely wouldn't be a thing if Kenya was still around because there's no such thing as TMK. I'm just not interested in anything Porsha has to give us and I think we can all agree, B-characters are supposed to stay in the background for a reason and she doesn't have what it takes to get the amount of screen time she's been given. 

As much as I don't like what Phaedra Parks did to Kandi all those years ago, why wasn't she treated the same way as Porsha? The street fighter has been in three physical altercations on camera, spread rumours that Kandi tried to drug and rape her because she "believed" Phaedra and didn't have any friends for an entire season last year, how has she managed to keep her job? How is she still standing on this show and why have Bravo given her special treatment after all these years? Brandi Glanville and Jill Zarin probably did a quarter of what Porsha has done and they got their Braco checks revoked, and they were just being messy to drive the show. I don't know what's wrong with Bravo but why do they always get rid of the controversial messy Housewives and leave us with the boring ones who are too afraid to fight with each other because they are don't want to look bad on TV, even though that's what they are being paid to do. It's literally their job. 

Porsha finally introduced her mother to Dennis, spent the entire meal gushing about their love for each other, showed her their matching tattoos after only dating for five months and Ms Diane approved of the relationship. Porsha is pushing forty so there's nothing she could say to slow this relationship down but how does anyone meet Dennis, his mumbling ways and his "businesses" and approve of this relationship? I'm confused. And why is "Ms Diane" suddenly a thing? Porsha's mother seems like a lovely woman but she isn't an iconic Housewives mother like Mama Dee, Mama Joyce or even Dale from New York and it's bad enough the producers are trying to make Porsha happen, they don't need to make her mama happen too. Also, from those flashbacks of six years ago she definitely is not a THOT who was cornbread fed, she was a church mouse with a strict husband and a flat ass. Talk about a transformation. 

Due to The Real Housewives of Atlanta obviously becoming The Porsha Williams Show with a bunch of side characters, the main plot still revolves around Dennis and his sketchy ways. Can we just give this man and his mumbles a peach because he has given us more than half the cast has ever tried to do. Kandi is still in a weird place with the star of the show, so instead of carrying her bones about her relationship with Dennis back to her, she decided to spill them to the other girls and decide how they should go about telling her. I understand somebody needs to carry the plot and this show is all about being in each other's business but being messy does not look good on Kandi. 

It would be one thing if she was being messy to start a fight because I can support that kind of mess, but she's spilling tea ON CAMERA and then questioning whether or not to tell her. NEWSFLASH: you just told the world, and Kandi is smart enough to know that. It just gives Porsha more ammunition against Kandi and I don't want that considering Go Naked should've been fired for spreading her lies years ago, instead of getting a promotion to become the star of the show. Marlo, NeNe and 51 Cynt all decided not to tell Porsha the news of how Dennis has several bitches tattooed all over his body, has an affinity for Rolexes and may or may not have overlapped when he started this relationship but somehow (a producer) the tea got back to Porsha who got pissed at Dennis (off camera) and caused him to start calling his exes to find out what Kandi knows to start covering his bases.

When I first heart heard one of the Housewives had told Porsha of the Dennis tea I assumed it was Marlo because she needs to be messy on camera if she wants to be paid, Cynthia is too nice and NeNe was the one adamant not to take the situation any further. From the editing of this episode it made it seem as though Porsha confessed NeNe had been the peach holder to tell her about Kandi's tea off camera, which sparked their new online feud, however, if it had a been a cast member who stepped forward to spill the tea to Porsha the producers would've investigated the storyline to cause an issue between Kandi and the two-faced cast member, so obviously they resolved the mystery through pieced together confessionals to cover their tracks. And it seemed as though Porsha was explaining why NeNe DIDN'T tell her, not why she did. 

This was the most uneventful messy boyfriend storyline ever. There was no big fight, no crazy reveal or a big divide between the group, it was just an indirect way of telling Porsha things about her boyfriend she probably already had suspected and just made for even more weird and unaddressed tension between Kandi and Porsha but nobody wants to make an issue out of it because they know the fans are over them fighting and neither one can be bothered to get their hands dirty again. Either bring back Kenya or cancel this franchise because I can't see it going up from here. I love Kandi, Cynthia and to an extent NeNe but the light of this show is Marlo and when the "friend" is the best part of a Housewives show, you know it's bad. 

Although this has become Porsha's show, they managed to sneak in updates on the other ladies. Gregg decided to go vegan to help in his cancer recovery and I'm not a doctor but I feel like someone who just lost a significant amount of weight and needs iron in their life is not going to get it from kale. Gregg needs meat and he needed it yesterday. Two minutes after he found out how to make a green smoothie from a very expensive vegan chef he got the news that there were cancer cells circulating in his bloodstream and needed to start chemotherapy, so things aren't great in the Leakes home right now. It's so sad to see this storyline play out and as much as it is helping people out there, selfishly it's too raw and real to enjoy. 

The common theme among the newbies is their tendency to spend exorbitant amounts of money on insignificant events on camera to try and impress us, even though it does the complete opposite. Eva admitted to spending over $100K on her impending wedding which is the most stupid thing I've ever heard. I don't understand how people can spend that much on a six-hour party for other people, but if you're going to do it than don't complain. It doesn't make any sense to me and it makes me even less inclined to watch this wedding than I already was to begin with. And is Bravo paying for this wedding because I can't see the need to spend that much money if it's actually coming out of your own checking account?

Eva's mother came to Atlanta to help her try on wedding dresses but kind of acted like an asshole in the process. She didn't throw a shoe at anyone, try to stop the wedding or accuse Eva's fiance of fucking her best friend, so Eva really has nothing to cry in the bathroom about. She just asked her to invite a few more people to her wedding and considering how Eva only has 40 people going when her fiance has 80, I would've sat there eating my kufta if I was her mother as well. 


The Real Housewives of Atlanta Season 11 airs Sunday nights at 8pm/7c on Bravo!

Please follow Sam's shady and fun celeb blog Good Tea and follow his blog on social media via TwitterInstagram and Facebook! You can also listen to Good Tea's Podcast on iTunes and SoundCloud!

Photo Credit: Bravo

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