Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author (Good Tea), and they do not reflect in any way those of iRealHousewives.com.
Nothing will ever top last weeks' incredible Dallas episode which was one of the best Housewives episodes I have ever seen filled with all those fights, LeeAnne's monologue and that never-ending elevator scene, but this episode did the best job it could to try and rival the reality TV excellence we witnessed last week.
D'Andra went on an apology tour after acting like an asshole for the entire season and apologised to Kam for their odd feud which revolved around D'Andra putting a bottle cap up her ass. Why do things going in and out of cast member's assholes always become the main plot point on this show? Does anyone remember when LeeAnne *allegedly* shat in a bag and Brandi wore a shit hat to the charity event? Out of all the Housewives cities, I didn't think Dallas would be the one to feature so much shit talk. Pun definitely intended.
The next morning the faux trip leader, Cary, decided to split the group apart and separate the codependent bestie relationships in Brandi & Stephanie and LeeAnne & Kameron which is always a great way to mix it up, half the girls went on a boat and the other half went bike riding, which promoted Brandi to say she wanted LeeAnne to ride a bike like the Wicked Witch. If LeeAnne's the Wicked Witch, who's Brandi? Fucking Dorothy? This Wicked Witch statement perfectly captures how Brandi sees LeeAnne as the villain of the show. By putting LeeAnne into that role it allows Brandi to act like America's sweetheart but she's no Annie. Brandi is actually the biggest villain of all because she plots and schemes to make LeeAnne look bad.
Brandi's dumb wicked witch comment made me realise we are literally watching the Wizard of Oz. Or Copenhagen I guess. Stephanie is obviously Glenda the Good Witch. After their boat ride which was more of a waste of time than Cary's entire existence on this show, Stephanie helped LeeAnne and D'Andra sort out their issues only the way Steph could. She must have brought out her old social worker skills because she allowed them both to voice their issues in a productive and healthy way which didn't result in glass being thrown, physical violence or a death threat. Stephanie and the bowl really are good influences on Miss LeeAnne Locken.
Going down the list, D'Andra is the lion because she needs courage more than a fish needs water. In her feud with LeeAnne, there are two obvious emotions, LeeAnne has so much pain and sadness whereas D'Andra just has anger. She's been aggressive during this entire feud because she needs a storyline to maintain her position on the show and yelling at LeeAnne for petty things does the job. This relationship has been unbalanced this entire season, it's like LeeAnne has been wading in a pool of dog shit while D'Andra has just continued to fill it up. D'Andra isn't sad about the breakup, she's just continuing to keep the storyline going by being angry about nothing.
It may not seem like D'Andra lacks any courage because she's brave enough to shout at anyone who comes into a one-mile radius of her, but she needs courage to be her authentic self, she needs courage to truly not care what anybody thinks about her. If she really didn't give a fuck about what anybody thinks she wouldn't have to fight with Kam endlessly about it all season. She would shove a bottle cap up her ass and not care about what Jimmy Westcott has to say about it. She needs courage to feel secure enough in herself that she doesn't need to take down her best friend of ten years on a reality show. That's the real courage D'Andra needs, however, she made up with LeeAnne and I suspect it will last about two more episodes.
Cary can be the Dorothy of the group because she's definitely the least interesting but is also at the centre because she's "the leader" of the trip. She also has an insane shoe fetish and took the entire cast to an exotic land, not Oz, Copenhagen but I doubt any of the ladies could point either out on a map. However, I don't think Dorothy dated Lance Armstrong. Cary threw that fact in like she was saying she ate a bagel. That's big news and I have so many questions, did she ride him while he rode a bike? Did she see his one nut? Or did she date him while he had both? So many questions. Cary also took all the girls to Tivoli and made the ladies run around in matching blue and red Danish outfits. They were all super cute and the carnival gave LeeAnne flashbacks to her old life travelling around with conjoined twins and bearded women, it looked like so much fun and something out of a postcard, but women having fun together doesn't equal good TV, which led to another Brandi and LeeAnne blow up.
Which leads me to Brandi's Wizard of Oz character: the Tinman. She has no heart. Brandi was obviously pissed that D'Andra and LeeAnne started being friends again because it was one less person who could help take her down. Brandi has never liked LeeAnne and she never will, since day one she's labelled her as the villain but now she has no ammunition this season which is why she is grasping at straws and starting dumb fights about any little thing LeeAnne may say to her. If telling D'Andra to be careful, using a hypothetical example of a situation and saying she drinks too much are reasons to declare war on someone then I'd have no friends left. LeeAnne didn't rob a bank or run over Brandi's cousin but it's the only device she has to use. The one new thing she has on her was LeeAnne filming her swimming in water naked.
To give some backstory, there was a Danish tradition of jumping naked in water with a partner for good luck. I don't accept or understand it, but it happened. Mark flew out from America just to jump in the Danish ocean completely naked with his wife. Some people say bravery is in Navy SEALS, firefighters and Mariah Carey's makeup artists, however, bravery to me is Mark Deuber getting naked for a reality TV show which will be broadcast in 198 countries. His body wasn't horrible but he had a Peter Griffin pot belly which hung over his junk but obviously not enough because the entire cast now has seen the infamous dick that got sucked at The Roundup. Mark decided to not only show the world his man boobs, rolls and stubby dick but his wife's friends up close and personal - without the ability for them to blur it and for that, Mark is brave. He has the courage D'Andra needs.
Brandi also jumped in naked while LeeAnne filmed the entire naked session for the funny memory. Yeah, it was a little weird that LeeAnne wanted footage of her cast members naked but I really don't believe she wanted to leak it because she was out in the open and no one else would've had the footage, so why would LeeAnne film them naked and blackmail themwhen she was out in the open? Of course, Brandi being Brandi decided to use this little morsel of information against LeeAnne because it's all she has. At the beginning of this recap, I wanted to label Kameron the Scarecrow because she needs a brain for obvious reasons but she brought up the most valid point of all, why would Brandi care about LeeAnne having a naked video of her when she literally got naked on television show. Maybe Kam does have a brain?
The Real Housewives of Dallas airs Wednesday nights at 10pm/9c on Bravo! For International TV Listings, click here!
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