Friday, October 12, 2018

Shahs Of Sunset Recap: Sex, Lies, And iPhone Videos [Episode 9]

by: Sam Allan from Good Tea
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author (Good Tea), and they do not reflect in any way those of iRealHousewives.com.

The Shahs are still in Vegas and I’m depressed that their cast trip of the season only lasted for an episode and a half. How far did they drop down Bravo’s priority list from the point where they got three episodes of them in international exotic locations to half the amount of time in a city that is 40 minutes away. Either this show is an inch away from being cancelled or the producers were saving money for MJ’s wedding because she obviously wasn’t paying for that lavish day on her own. 

This cast is probably the biggest partiers on Bravo so naturally, they were hungover as fuck after their night out in Sin City. While the B-characters on the show debriefed on their crazy night out, Reza surprised MJ with Tommy. Was the real-life version of Peter Griffin needed? No. Did it deliver us anything? Fuck no. But it was nice to have him around in spirit even if he did just make out with MJ in the background for a while. I don’t really see the point of him getting on a plane, flying to Vegas just to show his face for one day but I guess the producers really thought we needed Tommy in Vegas for some reason. Through all the drama these two have had they are always going to stay together forever because if he’s seen her crying with no makeup at 2 am in the morning while also yelling at him for not wanting to have enough sex with her, then I think he’s here to stay. If these two break up I don’t think I’ll ever recover because they are the glue that holds the show together. Fuck Reza and his mousy clinger-on Adam, it’s all about MJ and Tommy. 

Days in Vegas are basically pointless so the producers had enough smarts to fast forward to the clubbing scene which was the only thing we really cared about because I don’t think he could sit through another pool scene of Persians pushing 40. Mercedes wore a bedazzled Kim Kardashian-esque bodysuit for the nightclub. Everyone drank way too much, acted like idiots and gave us all the drunken behaviour we need from this show. While everyone danced and got drunk, Mike tried flirting with every barely legal girl he could at the club. Mike is the quintessential forty-year-old creeper at the club and if he wasn’t good looking with a reality show and “money” in his pocket those bitches would’ve scatted like cockroaches. Do cockroaches scatter? I don’t know I’m not a biologist or whatever. Although it’s good to see reality stars get drunk there’s not much that went on at the club so everyone went back to the Jersey Shore penthouse shitfaced to pass out. Except for Mike. 

Everyone woke up dull-eyed and hungover as fuck, except Mike who was in a THOTs vagina somewhere in Las Vegas or its surrounding areas. If the sun rises in Vegas and someone doesn’t wake up in their own bed then they are either dead or in the process of walking home from a one night stand with cum and/or pussy juice on their breath. Mike’s fivehead of a girlfriend was in the process of moving out of his house as he was in multiple bitches which is a cunty thing to do but are we surprised? He’s technically single and even when he was married he was fucking every whore this side of the Mississippi so why are we supposed to be shocked that Mike would wake up in a cocktail waitresses room across town? The group came together to discuss Mike’s absence and GG came forward straight away with a receipt of Mike chatting up a girl in the club the previous night. Why is this so shocking, Mike woke up somewhere else there’s no way it wasn’t with another woman so this doesn’t give us anything we didn’t already know. 

Like a coked-up hurricane, Mike showed up to their previously Jersey Shore used pad in the same clothes from the night before. Now, we have all been there when you come home fresh from a dick/pussy appointment, it’s okay, but you’ve got to own it. Mike needs to take a few lessons of Lisa Rinna’s Own It Baby 101 night class. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen someone look as rough as Mike did, maybe he and Ronnie Ortiz-Magro should hang out and have a night full of Colombia’s hidden gem because Mike is definitely the Ronnie of this show, just Persian. Instead of owning his man whoring behaviour Mike denied everything he did but didn’t explain where he slept. We all know what he did, does he think we are dumb? After seven seasons of a reality show, Mike knows he will be caught out so why does he think he could walk in at 12 pm in his dirty clothes and nobody would ask any questions. Come on Mike, did he do that much coke that it fried away his frontal lobe? 

Reza and Mike still had a dumb beef from the previous nights and I just don’t give a fuck. Who cares? Mike and Reza's fights are the dumbest fights on the show and it’s always just a pissing match between the two alpha dogs trying to piss on their territory. Yes, Reza is right but I just don’t care. Mike got mad at Reza for continuously exposing his secrets on TV but it’s a reality show what the fuck does he expect? Their fight basically was just full of bleeping before Mike ran into the toilet and cried. Fuck, he just needs a good night sleep and a cold shower because seeing a 40-year-old man sob about being called out for getting some pussy in Vegas is sadder than Nema’s sagging face.

After their heated fight, Reza and Mike made up in 23 seconds which was just redundant and boring especially since it was mostly just Mike crying about cheating on Jessica. He cheated. He’s the cunt. He can’t play the victim about his relationship with Jessica. It’s not that hard not to stick your dool in a vagina where it shouldn’t be so I have no sympathy for Mike and his overly Botoxed face. The trip ended with the group giving Mike a pitty group hug to cheer him up but I’m not totally sure why he was crying in the first place. I guess that’s what happens when you have a weekend-long coke binge. 

I can’t tell you how happy I was with all of the screentime Shervin got in this episode. He’s easily the hottest (and hairiest) guy on the show even if he has a wandering dick because the shirtless scene of him getting changed fogged up my screen. No, Shervin doesn’t have a storyline and hasn’t ever really contributed anything to the show except his Cheeto bath and cheating scandal but he’s good to look at and his background presence is just the right amount of Shervin that I need. He finally cut off his man bun and I have mixed emotions. I liked the cornrows and his tied up man bun but seeing his hair out was like the Beast from Beauty and the Beast having a shower. The removal of his man bun was the most he’s done for the entire season but it was easily better than anything Nema subjected us to watch. 


Shahs of Sunset Season 7 airs Thursday nights at 9pm/8c on Bravo!

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Photo Credit: Bravo

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