Tuesday, October 16, 2018

RHOC Recap: Heat Waves And Hot Flashes [Episode 13]

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author (Good Tea), and they do not reflect in any way those of iRealHousewives.com.

For most of the season, I've been dancing around the blatantly obvious fact that this season is more boring than watching a cat drink water and that's not a euphemism because this season has been so bad that I'd even prefer to watch forty-three minutes of a vagina sucking up water with a straw out of a cute little kittie bowl. 

Every episode feels like it may be heating up but then it ends before anything actually happens and we have to wait another week for the exact same thing to happen. Vicki, Tamra, Shannon and Kelly are four of the best Housewives we've ever seen across any franchise but maybe they are finally done? 

I don't want to see any of them go (well, maybe Vicki) but I'm not sure how this show can move forward in its current state. Next week looks intense but it may be too little, too late because after this snoozefest of a season I don't know if I have the energy to care. It's like an old relative who's been a cunt to you for years that finally tries to apologise on their deathbed: it's too late to give a fuck.

As soon as the episode began with Gina trying to jokingly stuff her small child into her suitcase, I knew it was going to be a tough episode. You all know how I feel about Bravo and children but seeing them trying to hide in suitcases before a trip is probably the worst offence because it's more scripted than a sitcom but there's no laughing track in the background to tell us that it's supposed to be funny. Months ago when I heard the news the OC ladies were headed to Jamaica I knew it was going to be full of annoying stereotypes and the insane overuse of the word "Mon" which started before they even crossed international waters. Shannon tried to make "Jamaica Mon" the new "Top of the Morning" and it was a pretty rough transition. I wish I had alcohol on me while I was watching the episode because I would've been shitfaced if I took a shot every time one of these ladies said "Mon" which potentially could've made this episode a little easier to get through. 

The moment the ladies got out of the airport they put on their Jamaican hats with dreadlocks in 99% humidity which sounds like literal hell, especially for a group of older menopausal women, can you imagine Ramona Singer on this trip? To make the heat matters worse the hotel's air conditioning was broken and Vicki revealed she needs to be fucked four times a day. How does she have time to work? Does the stale celery stick come around to Coto Insurance during her lunch break and stick it in her? Does she masturbate at her desk? Does she know what masturbating is? I have so many questions.

The only thing really going for the show right now is Shannon hating the new girls. But who cares? I feel bad for the newbies who are trying to make Shannon care about their existence but she is yet to care about them, nothing has really changed, so why should we give a fuck about this non-event of a storyline. Shannon probably knew these girls would be around for as long as the vegan milk in her fridge and that's why it takes her a couple seasons to actually acknowledge they exist. I care less about Shannon hating the newbies and more about her sucking this season. Why can't this woman just take a compliment? Every time someone attempts to give Shannon a semi-nice comment she takes a massive steamy shit all over and brings out a negative.

Tamra: The new girls loved dancing with you Shannon.

Shannon: Yeah! Well, they better I threw my friggin back out.

Tamra: Oh my god! Your skin looks so nice. 

Shannon: It's only because this ponytail is pulling my face back.

Gina: This food looks so good. 

Shannon: Yeah well I had no time to make anything!

Tamra: It's time to move on and start dating again

Shannon: Well David Beador started dating, while we were together!

Anyone ever: You're such a great person Shannon.

Shannon: Yeah, well David Beador obviously doesn't think so, but I'm over it. I'm over it. 

Anyone ever: Hi

Shannon: WHERE'S ARCHIE?!

For fuck's sake, Shannon just learn to take a fucking compliment because no one hates anyone more than a Negative Nancy or a Sour Shannon in this case. And I hope all of you read those complaints in her voice. Someone needs to give Shannon a jar and make her put $1 in it every time she brings up David or complains about anything because maybe that's the only way to stop this. The sad thing about Shannon is that she lacks so much self-awareness tshe doesn't even realise how negative she comes across. It's more annoying than seeing Vicki get baptised at the dinner table and it's making me want to jump off the #TeamShannon train and slide under it. Her complaining is getting more tired than Vicki's pussy after sex four times a day!

The ladies went for dinner and Tamra looked like she was reverting back to her season six self. I don't know if it was the way she did her hair, her eyebrows, makeup or if it was just the humidity but it was giving me serious flashbacks to her days as the messy queen who called Gretchen a whore and threw wine in Jeana Keough's face. We need THAT Tamra back because her going up against Emily "I'll Fucking Kill You" Simpson would be great. Anyone going against anyone on this show at the moment would be great.

While out for dinner Shannon complained about having to move again. She's renting, she obviously wasn't going to live their forever. Yeah, getting boxes out and hiring movers sucks but it's better than living on the poverty line or being Vicki Gunvalson's assistant. RIP Linda. Shannon needs to realise what's important in life and it's not the fucking Zika virus. And someone please buy this woman a vibrator because she doesn't even masturbate and everyone knows you can't be your best self unless you are cumming on a regular basis. It's science or whatever.

As soon as the house discussion was over for Shannon, she checked out and couldn't find a single fuck to care about Gina's divorce issues. Yes, Shannon scrolling through her phone while Gina rambled on about divorcing her "best friend" was a genuine symbol of what I do every single week but I'm not being paid to film a TV show with her and Shannon could've at least pretended to care when they have to sit through her complaining about David Beador and her divorce for hours on end every time they get together for drinks. To get the heat off Shannon, the heat went onto Vicki who started sweating like a pig and wanted to go to the hospital before Tamra threw water on her and gave her a whore bath in public. Who doesn't love to bathe like a whore? And what is up with Vicki's fetish for going to hospitals while she's on vacation? Maybe because it fills her desire to always be the victim. But who goes to the emergency room for a hot flush? You get a fan, take your menopause medication and call it a fucking day.

Nothing else really happened for the rest of the episode. Kelly got a rash, Shannon complained about everything a human being can bitch and moan about, and Tamra talked shit about Mrs Beador to the two newbies. It would be tough work being best friends with Shannon Beador day in and day out, so I don't blame Tamra for trash talking her friend. It wasn't even trash talking as much as it was truth-telling. She basically revealed that she feels sorry for her and enables her negative behaviour but there's no other way to be with Shannon. If you don't mend yourself to deal with her and enable her then she'll walk out screaming "I'm fucking done" or throw a plate at you. Just ask Kelly! Weirdly enough, Kelly has just enough of a zero fucks attitude to make Shannon actually listen to her.


The Real Housewives of Orange County airs Monday nights at 9pm/8c on Bravo! For International TV Listings, click here!

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Photo Credit: Bravo

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