Friday, September 7, 2018

Shahs Of Sunset Recap: Bridal Bath Wrath [Episode 5]

by: Sam Allan from Good Tea
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author (Good Tea), and they do not reflect in any way those of iRealHousewives.com.

The devastation of Sham's death has started to subside and I don't know if these episodes were intentionally scheduled around skipping an episode due to Memorial Weekend but the week off really helped with the grief. Although a death in a reality TV family is always sad, even if we never saw Shams outside his hospital bed with MJ giving him a Snapchat filter to confusingly look into, the show must go on especially since MJ's wedding is the key plot point of the season and Bravo is paying these people thousands of dollars to film their lives so we can judge and critique from afar. 

Mercedes decided to throw herself a bridal bath. Does she mean a bridal shower and used the wrong word? I don't know if it's a Persian thing or just an MJ thing but no one called her out so let's go with it. Like most men, Tommy cares more about the Staten Island-sized dump he did in the toilet before he began filming than he does about his wedding day. It doesn't mean he doesn't love and adore MJ in every way, it just means that a wedding isn't on top of his priorities list. The real-life Peter Griffin could at least try to make his bride to be believe he gives an ounce of a fuck about the wedding because her dad died 18 seconds ago and it might be a nice thing for the man she is going to marry to care about their wedding. Just maybe. 

I don't know if I'm used to Tommy's voice or if he has just slowly started to not yell like an aggressive 55-year-old Italian alcoholic with mob connections and a baseball membership from the tristate area every time he opens his mouth but it doesn't pierce my eardrums like it once did. It's not a Scheana Shay bad voice but it's not the best thing to hear when you aren't expecting it. Like anal.

As well with MJ, her wedding and her titties taking centre stage during this season, everyone else is trying to convince us they have careers. Not to sound like Bethenny Frankel but I'm pretty sure I could walk into any strip club and Cinnamon would be doing more work on a Tuesday night than these Shahs have done collectively in years and that's not shade because if I was on a reality show and practically being paid to live I'd make my money through Flat Tummy Tea and Diff Eyewear as well.

GG's weed company doesn't even have products yet and Nema is already trying to help her advertise through his digital advertising company. What is it that the anemic shah does again? In the opening credits, he's a teacher but he's helping Golnesa with advertising. I'm confused. His real job may actually be neither of those things because he seems like his time is occupied with living inside GG's asshole. Golnesa has unofficially hired Nema as the Mickey Minden to her Erika Jayne, he follows her around like a little puppy, boosting her ego, feeding her compliments like he's feeding a fat kid cake and trying desperately to get into her panties when we all know she's never going to let a skinny white washed twink near her ghormeh sabzi. Good luck though. 

Destiney helped a costumer plan a party for a car dealership and invited her friends along because if she can't host a party of her own she may as well bring them along to one she planned for total strangers. MJ, Shervin and GG were the only cast members who cared enough to show up and Shervin always looks like he's fresh from fucking a bitch even if he is overcompensating for his tiny dool with that massive monster truck. Shervin is easily the most fuckable person on this show (and maybe Bravo), he might be a cheater but he looks like he would make you nut for days. Apart from Shervin's dool, the only thing that got attention at Destiney's party was her date not showing up. He wasn't that memorable anyway and who wants to date a guy named Alex. Sorry to all the Alexs reading this but it's not sexy. 

After everyone got their scheduled amount of time to show us they have jobs they headed off to Palm Springs for MJ's bridal bath. Why does Palm Springs always look like it's stuck in the 70s? I can practically smell the cocaine from here and I'm sure Mike and Shervin more than helped keep that smell alive. MJ rode up with Reza and Adam, Nema took Golnesa in order to climb even deeper into her rectum and Vida got stuck with all the cling-ons. The Persian Joan Rivers does not deserve this treatment but I'm sure she loved the attention and respect all the scared Persians would've been giving her. I'm still confused why Bravo hasn't awarded Vida her own Judge Judy style spinoff but I won't be satisfied until someone gets onto that. 

The Shahs may be the hardest partiers on Bravo only rivalled by the Vanderpump kids but that's expected given the fact their show is built on orgasms and cocaine in the alleyway behind Sur. This gang knows how to drink and watching a group of over-forties frolic around drunk in a pool was both tragic but also somewhere I wanted to be at the same time. Day drinking is the best kind of drinking, I'm just sad Vida didn't get wasted and go for a swim because that would've been quite possibly the best thing I've ever seen and that includes Kim Kardashian's sex tape (not for sexual reasons just because it was an iconic time for pop culture and her vagina).

While Reza ran around in a confusing smokey eye which made him look like an old lesbian, especially in that chequered top, Mike tried to lecture Destiney on finding a man because he thinks men are allowed to be single for as long as they like and women have to settle down while they are still pretty. Does he realise he says this misogynistic bullshit on TV? I'm so sick of his outdated values and trying to give Destiney relationship advice when Lindsay Lohan's lesbian phase lasted longer than his marriage and the only thing that made it worse was his 25-year-old Kardashian wannabe girlfriend trying to add her two cents. Sit down and shut up little girl because Mike and his salami nipple man boobs will have a younger, dumber replacement by the end of this Palm Springs trip. The only reason he's keeping her around is so he can borrow her makeup and get a blowjob whenever he wants. 

Finally, Tommy arrived at the bridal bath after being MIA all day and was acting like a fucking asshole. Tommy is probably the best thing that ever happened to MJ, and vice versa, but he was a cunt with a capital C in this episode. Ever since Vida started being nice to her daughter for the first time in nearly 40-something years all her negativity and ill-timed digs were passed onto Tommy. I guess the universe just can't let MJ have too many good relationships at one time. Obviously, he wasn't in a good mood this one day due to their move, wedding and death in the family, we all have our days we want to fuck ourselves with one of GG's weed dildos at the sound of another human, I get it. But these two are the Bravo couple I hate watching fight the most. I feel like I'm their unborn child or something. 


Shahs of Sunset Season 7 airs Thursday nights at 9pm/8c on Bravo!

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Photo Credit: Bravo

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