Tuesday, April 10, 2018

Vanderpump Rules Recap: Karma's A Bitch [Episode 18]

by: Sam Allan from Good Tea
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author (Good Tea), and they do not reflect in any way those of iRealHousewives.com.

The SURvers trip to Mexico came and went faster than a horny Speedy Gonzales. I liked the trip but I kept thinking I was going to get a little bit more, maybe they should have stayed an extra day and fireworks would have really went flying like Kristen Doute's drink.

Speaking of my lord and saviour, after she threw her drink on DJ James Kennedy the entire table erupted in anger and all turned on Miss Doute for being "too dramatic" and "immature" for hurling a drink onto her douchy ex-boyfriend. In real life I would agree that throwing a liquid onto another person isn't the right way to channel your anger, however this is reality TV and it would be a problem if Kristen wasn't acting like a hot mess in front of the cameras. Aside from everyone hating on Kristen, the only other things to happen on their last night in Mexico was Lala talking about being gangster while sucking on a baby bottle, Jax and the boys trying to get really drunk and Stassi ranking her favourite pizza dressings, just for your interest they are: Sriracha & Ranch, Plain Ranch, Balsamic, Hot sauce, Ketchup. Do people really put extra sauce on top of their pizza or is this just a Stassi thing?

Before the SURver's left for LA the next morning, Jax made Brittany leave their hotel room so that he could FaceTime his reiki master/latest whore, Kelsey. Ugh. First of all, Jax took the call on the balcony so couldn't Brittany have just stayed inside their room? Second of all, why is Brittany so nice to Jax? He fucked her friend, said horrible things about her on an audio tape and then didn't consider her feelings at all when he wanted to move across the country, so why is she so nice to him? How does this happen?

During his conversation with Kelsey she used an example of Nelson Mandela that he didn't understand and told him that his decision about his new job opportunity should be not to make a decision right now. Everything that comes out of her bohemian mouth is shady as fuck and Jax definetly wouldn't be this invested in this reiki shit if he wasn't 6 inches deep in the instructor. The two adulterers ended the call with Jax saying "Love you" and Kelsey replying "Sounds good honey." What the actual fuck? Do you really expect me to believe that she hasn't been plowed by Jax on every surface in his apartment?

When everyone got back to LA, Kristen had to do damage control and tell her boyfriend Carter about the new allegations surrounding her night with James in Mexico. He actually seems like a solid guy and Kristen would be a real idiot to cheat on his dreamboat face with the British turd of society that is James Kennedy. I don't think that anything happened between the exes, but like Carter said, Kristen needs to be smart enough not to put herself into situations where she looks like she may have cheated on her boyfriend, because she does not have the best track record. However they are ultimately still together! I am the only one who forgot that James fucked her on his Beamer when she started dating Carter?! Damn, fidelity really isn't Kristen's strong suit. Also, I can't think of anything more disgusting than getting pounded by a scrawny douchebag wannabe DJ on top of a cheap car, just think about that visual for a second.

James' See You Next Tuesday night rolled around again and LVP stopped by to get all the latest tea on what her sex crazed SURver's had been up to. Scheana had gone 30 seconds without mentioning Rob and/or his TV hanging abilities, so when she saw Lisa walk by the conversation immediately turned to her and Rob's "plans" to move in together, have a baby and get married - only six days after her divorce was finalised. I would go into detail about the annoyance of both Scheana's voice and her mating habits, but I've done that all season and I think we get the point by now.

During the CUNT night, Jax decided that it was the perfect time to confront Adam, the hot new bartender that Scheana tried to set Brittany up with. Ugh. I really could not care less about this reach of a storyline. Jax is a cunt who fucks everything that moves and has clear sociopath problems so obviously Brittany deserves a lot more in life than the behaviour that she's had to put up with from this thumb of a man. Jax is like that kid in pre-school that doesn't like his dinosaur toy but then when someone else wants to play with the dinosaur toy he snatches it out of their hand. That's right, Brittany is the dinosaur toy but with fake boobs, and Jax doesn't want anyone else touching his girlfriend, even though he's been inside 80% of all female residents in West Hollywood.


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Vanderpump Rules airs Monday nights at 9pm/8c on Bravo! For International TV Listings, click here!

Photo Credit: Bravo

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