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Vanderpump Rules Recap: Sex, Lies And Audiotape [Episode 5]

by: Sam Allan from Good Tea
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author (Good Tea), and they do not reflect in any way those of

I know I praise this show every week, but it just keeps getting better. Vanderpump Rules is literally my favourite show on TV right now and I think it should be considered a crime not to tune into the salacious Bravo show.

We picked up where we left off, which was the reveal that Tom Schwartz has been putting his tongue in mouths that do not belong to his wife. The guys were all chilling in his apartment until Hurricane Katie barrelled in and made Jax leave on his motorised cooler. I need one of those! The newlyweds started drunkenly fighting about their latest cheating scandal in which Katie ended the fight by proclaiming that Tom isn't the same man she married. Umm these two were fighting about Tom cheating two weeks before their wedding, so yes, this is exactly the man that she married.

Lala was back "working" at Sur when LVP came in to patrol the Sexy Unique Restaurant. Do they really expect us to believe that these people really still work there? I call total bullshit on that one. Katie called Lala over to talk about their latest mud slinging contest. She apologised for talking shit about Lala's sugar daddy and Lala admitted that Scheana was that one that carried the bone back to her. So now Katie's anger is being redirected to Scheana. LVP also pulled Katie aside to talk about Schwartz's infidelity and continued to make the entire situation about her.

The Schwartz-Maloney's went to get their dogs cleaned at Vanderpump Dogs while LVP tried to lay down the law to her new business partner Tom. Ugh. Yes, she officiated his wedding and yes, she is going into business with him, but what does his potential infidelity problems have to do with it. I am so sick of watching this over the hill, rich bitch, try and use her power to boss these people around. She may have gotten them the show but THEY are the ones who made it a success. I know the show is called Vanderpump Rules, but I would really love for Lisa to be fired because she adds nothing to the show expect faux storylines but continues to cash her sizeable checks. The same goes for RHOBH.

While the men of the show painted each other Katie, Kristen and Brittany all got drinks together to spill some serious tea. Katie Maloney-Schwartz is still pissed at Scheana for tattling on her to Lala so she hit back and claimed that Scheana's new boyfriend made out with another girl. Well played Katie.

The newest couple to have their fidelity questioned, Rob and Scheana, invited Sandoval and Ariana over to his massive (probably rented) Beverly Hills mansion so that Scheana could brag about her new relationship. In less than five minutes the newly divorcee managed to shade Shay in every way possible which is just so gross. The flashbacks of her old life were shocking because she literally has a new face. Scheana is the worst. Well the most annoying SURver bragged about having sex, Sandoval sat their begging his girlfriend to sleep with him but it was a hard no. Sorry Tom. Maybe go jack off to Ariana's new haircut again!

Lala and Ariana tried on clothes and talked about what a disgusting human being that Jax Taylor continues to be. Suddenly Lala started making huge statements about how wrong cheating is but she was the one bouncing on her married guy's dick. Don't get it twisted. Ariana also spilled the tea that she doesn't want to have sex because an abusive ex used to tell her that her vagina was disgusting. Lala came to the rescue and gave her some serious vaginal self esteem lessons. Lala may be a THOT on the outside but she really is caring and loving on the inside.

The episode ended with Jax & Brittany's housewarming party which is the dumbest idea ever. Not only did they move in months ago but he is a cunt that doesn't serve to even look at her Kentucky muffin. Brittany needs to take some of Lala's self esteem lessons and know her fucking worth so that we don't have to waste another season seeing her pop off at Jax only to watch her stay with him. Before the guests arrived Kristen (my lord and saviour) and Brittany decided to tell Scheana about Rob's cheating ways before she found from someone else. Of course she denied it and fake laughed it off to try and pretend that she has the perfect relationship. Scheana makes my head hurt.

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Vanderpump Rules airs Monday nights at 9pm/8c on Bravo! For International TV Listings, click here!

Photo Credit: Bravo