"Hi everyone,
It’s early evening and I’m blogging from Mount Eliza.
Rick is cooking dinner. Luke has brought his first “friend” over and I just discovered that the homemade dog food (brown rice, meat and veg) had been consumed by an unsuspecting family member. RHOM tip “label homemade dog food’.
On that note, time to pour a Pinot Noir, give the dogs my dinner and dish the dirt on episode 10.
1) The episode opens with Rick and I engagement ring shopping at Bensimon Jewellery in South Bank. We sit down with Ron. He gloves up and shows us some stones. I ponder as to why I haven’t owned a pear shape diamond. Probably because that’s the shape my previous relationships went! I decide not to verbalise this, because Rick looks nervous enough!
After a couple of financially humiliating rocks pass under our gaze Ron shows us a couple of diamonds that may just squeeze into our now humbled budget. Ron can see we are confused so gives me a couple of diamonds to show the girls on my hen’s night.
2) Chyka and her daughter Francesca have made enough room in Chyka’s closet to go clothes shopping. Chyka needs four new hats, matching suits, sunglasses and handbags. Francesca is not missing this opportunity to quietly plot a shopping day shakedown.
Time to make the pilgrimage to visit Fitzroy milliner Melissa Jackson.
Francesca bites her lip whilst doing the “mother guilt” math to find the right time to say. “Mum, may I get this”?
3) We then meet Georgina from Le Louvre, South Yarra. Georgina calls her dressing room "The Killing Pen". I think most of the killing occurs when the credit card statements arrive home. Georgina puts Chyka in a Victoria Beckham and finishes it off with a metallic colander hat. I realise why the producers have had zero interest in watching me shop.
Chyka walks out of the fitting room holding a miniature YSL bag in black BOOM!!!! Francesca has her target. Chyka has no chance! Francesca suggests it will be a good sharing thing and Bruce just bought his daughter a handbag. Ten points Francesca! Great bag and good timing!
4) Spring Carnival Fever has affected us all. Gina has chosen a softly feathered fascinator that makes her look like a slim, Italian Big Bird. I look like I fell off a wedding cake. Jackie has a large Chess piece glued to her head that looks extremely heavy.
Pettifleur and Lydia look like a pair of batman super villains. This is race day and yes, we all look bizarre.
5) Flemington Racecourse Birdcage.
The Lexus Marquee.
We fight the wind, the girls hold onto their hats and I manage to hold my skirt down on the media wall. The marquee looks amazing! The girls are in good spirits. I decide to take this opportunity to invite them all to my Cup inspired “Dog Races”.
Lydia is right up for it and her money will be on her Italian Greyhound “Figaro, Figaro, Figaro!!”
We exchange some cosmetic surgery stories then it’s race time!
I place a trifecta, chose the same numbers for Gina and gave her a ticket because she doesn’t gamble.
Our horses came in!! We both win! I have never seen a more stunned woman in my life!
Janet, Lydia and Pettifleur backed winners. Great day!
6) Circa St Kilda.
Pettifleur’s book gets the most glowing review…From Pettifleur! She has written a best seller…just ask her. I guess that’s the way self-help books roll, however, I have never seen PB express sympathy or offer help to anyone but herself. I feel bemused. The hardest thing about shooting RHOM this season has been listening to PB go on and on about her book.
PB is very excited! She has chosen one of the cities’ best venues for her book launch.
Janet, Chyka, and Lydia are very supportive. Janet has read her book and gives it a head nodding, foot stomping, dancing review. Yahoo!
Lydia loves the cover and gives the book she hasn’t read a floundering positive review. Lydia and I struggle to give the book a verbal synopsis…..Believe me, that was tough!
Saved! Saved by Jackie who arrives and tells everyone “she” looks couture. I think “Every One In Melbourne” is writing their own review. It’s a struggle to respect Jackie’s opinion considering she describes almost everything as couture in an obvious overreach for yet another painful catchphrase.
Jackie also loves the book and gushes what a great achievement it has been on PB part. I’m not convinced PB didn’t quickly whip up her own version of Omarosa’s ‘The Bitch Switch’ after watching The Apprentice. Especially after PB quotes Donald Trump in the promo for the show.
PB may be edgy by using the word bitch at every opportunity, but it’s lost on me. The girls get upset when I asked who was publishing PB’s book. Forgetting that PB had told us she was going to announce the publisher on the night as a surprise.
Janet is so offended she announces I’m trying to bring PB down. PB announces publishers take the message away from your book.
I struggle to get my head around the sacking of a co-author, the contents of the very small book and the narcissism behind the hype. A fight breaks out when Jackie steps in and condescendingly calls me Gina’s mouthpiece. I am astonished! I feel Jackie, Janet and PB are suffering from an epic case of collective narcissism.
I worked for a magazine before I worked for the gallery. That does not make me a Pulitzer prize winner, however it does give me a different perspective. The book could use some tweaking…… it’s time for me to go…stamp my exit urgent!
7) My sister Tempest has been staying with me for the past three weeks. We are best friends. She looked like she needed some sisterly love last time I visited her in Sydney so I asked her to stay and suggested a makeover.
Tempest underwent a lower facelift by two of Australia’s leading plastic surgeons Mr Malcolm Linsell and Mr Doug McManamny at “Cosmetic Surgery for Women” which is based in Melbourne. I wouldn’t let her go to anyone else.
Mr Linsell and Mr MaManamny’s work on my sister was absolutely astonishing. Rick was particularly impressed and spoke encouragingly to my sister as the swelling came down.
It’s the day of my hen’s night and it’s time for Tempest to come out of hiding.
Jacqueline Kalabe has been my makeup artist for 15 years. Kalabe is the queen of turning it up a notch and my sister is looking red hot!
Tempest has always been beautiful and has never had any cosmetic surgery. Not even Botox. She has been a devoted mother for 26 years so now it’s her time to shake off time and shine.
Tempest has had a speedy recovery due to the expertise of the two surgeons. The footage crosses to Tempest pre-op…. what a difference two weeks can make! I have my confident 30 year-old sister back! Yippee!
Time to party!
My Pomeranian Cash has been de-sexed to make way for our new little girl Wicket.
Wicket is on full papers and I hope to show her next year.
It’s the night of my Hen’s party. The theme of the party is Bond Girls.
Christa, Simone, Yvette and Karen arrive first followed by Lydia, Janet and Lisa Tonkin.
PB has dressed as a female 007 and I ponder that I must have spent too much time on Oxford Street in the late 80’s because Chyka looks like a hot leather lesbian to me.
I wait till everyone is seated. Then Luke brings Tempest out on his arm. Ta-dah!! The big cosmetic surgery overhaul introduced to my bemused guests.
OK, sensing that was awkward… I decide to bring out the two diamonds Ron from Ben Simon jewellers gave me to show the girls.
Lydia scoffs and makes the cutest cat noises having a… “My ring’s bigger than yours” moment.
She can stick it up her other ring! I don’t care, my partners hotter than your partner Lydia! Nah nah a nah na!!
The party seems to get better after a couple of cocktails and we start to relax
.
Luke and I have a deep and meaningful on the lawn that would make his father cringe.
PB waves a plastic gun around and Chyka looks super sexy! Go Chyka! I spot Gina bopping and I feel that wonders will never cease.
I’m truly happy, until….Oh good! Topless canapé waiters! Male strippers! My heart sinks!
I’m shoved into a seat and the strip tease begins.
I’m not surprised Lydia, Jackie, Chyka decide I’m putting on an act. What else would they do, but undermine me and imply I am a rampant slut even though they have never witnessed any immoral behaviour on my part?
I don’t enjoy being sandwiched between two men, however, if I did I would not be ashamed of it. It’s too much, so I wriggle off my chair and give the other girls a go. Janet and Gina embrace the situation and the girls have a good laugh.
I try to explain to Chyka why I don’t like strippers, (whilst I quietly ponder that I would have been right up for a strip tease from her! Irony in that, right there!) My ex-husband was in the oil industry in Houston. Before we flew home to Australia to get married, the girls from his office took me to a male strip club called La Bears.
Texan girls are wild! The women were screaming and molested these guys. I was put on stage and subjected to some full on stuff that grossed me out. The strippers had prickly skin from shaving and had grabbed my hands and made me rub their oily bodies. I spent the next hour in the bathroom washing my hands. That is why I don’t like strippers.
Nothing personal.
9) My sister Tempest sits down with Janet to apologise for blowing up in Sydney.
Janet says she would have done the same thing if someone had done that to her sister.
Janet then flips it back to being my fault because, whilst Janet was the one who told me about the unsubstantiated rumours “on camera”, it wasn’t her who started spreading them.
They bury the hatchet. Though I think there was a moment where Tempest was tempted to bury it in Janet’s skull.
I love Janet’s ability to re-accuse me of having a shocking reputation in Melbourne at every opportunity. Think she must have been my mother-in-law in a past life.
10) Gina tells me she is trying to work out where the stripper rumours are coming from.
Oh good, another conversation about strippers! Make it Staaahp!!
Meanwhile Janet’s telling my eyes glazing over sister that she didn’t pass on the rumours… Gina tells me that part of the rumour came from my makeup artist. This is one complex theory and I join my sister in having a completely glazed over expression.
Gina tells me that she has been told my makeup artist does strippers, and that people connect things and live in a state of fantasy.
I then try to imagine Jacqueline in a strip club. Bit of a reach! It occurs to me that Gina thinks she is throwing me a lifeline, a way to get out of this sordid mess. I could just say oh yes, that must be the connection but it’s too far-fetched.
Jacqueline Kalabe has done my makeup since we worked on a TV commercial 15 years ago. Jacqueline’s work includes TV, Julia Gillard and high end fashion shoots. She has her own brush range! Looks like there may be some jealous makeup artist in Gina’s ear.
When I join Tempest and Janet, Janet launches into me. She feels I knew about the rumours and that I perpetuated them when I knew she didn’t make them up. Seriously! Lisa Tonkin looks like she wishes she had brought a real gun.
I go inside to get my puppy and Chyka brings out a box of sex toys. Go Chyka!!! I love the little pink cactus vibrator! Whoever pinched this from the party, I hope you think of me when you use it!
There are a bunch of toys I didn’t have a clue how to turn on or even open.
Chyka has an air of authority. She pulls out the squishy butt plug and we all have a good laugh. (The butt plug thing also went missing, and I don’t want to know where.)
On that note, time to snuggle in with Wolfe pup!
Bye for now, Hugs Gamble"
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The Real Housewives of Melbourne airs Sunday nights at 8:30pm on Arena and Thursday nights at 9pm/8c on Bravo!
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