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RHOCheshire Episodes 9 & 10 Recap: Dogging All Night Long

By Chris Adelaide

Disclaimer:This contains dark humor and lots of shade - the recap is based solely on the opinion of the author and not to be taken so seriously!

Welcome back to my final recap of The Real Housewives Of Cheshire. Sob, it's been a journey, some of which has been amazing and some of which has been as bland as some of the people on this show. This recap covers episodes 9 and 10 of the first season.

Magali is jetting off for a trip to Dubai when Ampika stops by the house and confides in her that she is considering getting back together with ex-husband Mark. He's supported her throughout her father's diagnosis, and she's pretty confused about where they stand. She's also confused by Dawn's actions, and Magali is unsure of as to why Ampika is friends with Dawn at all, which is exactly what I'm wondering too. If Dawn has proved anything throughout this show, it's that she's toxic.

The topic of Dawn having a baby comes up, and they both can't help but laugh at the ridiculous thought. It's just same old, same old with Dawn, who seemingly will say anything to get attention. But, through this, Ampika is glad to have bonded with Magali, who is pretty sad to have to leave her in this predicament. She's hopeful there will be no drama while she's out of the country, but in Real Housewives land, that's pretty unlikely.

Just in time for Easter, Dawn is driving all over Cheshire telling any and everyone that will listen about her eggs...again. Her daughter Taylor looked just as unimpressed as me. Stick to chocolate Easter eggs Dawn, they're probably more fertile.

Also spreading tales and bitterness are old, old, old faithfuls Nick and Royston, who are stretching their fifteen seconds of fame tighter than their seemingly botoxed foreheads have been pulled. Not content with poisoning Dawn against Ampika already, they've joined the fold to stir the pot yet again. They claim it's a lie that they wound Ampika up at her salon event, which they did do, and then spill that Ampika only mentioned Dawn because she knew they would run back to her and tell her. Clearly they have a track record of behaving this way, so it's no wonder they're such good friends with Dawn. Birds of a feather flock together.

All the girls, minus Dawn and Magali, have a night out at the casino, and Ampika has finally had enough of Leanne. You see, Ampika is just as frustrated as I am that Leanne consistently supports Dawn, despite the facts being handed to her. Dawn has fallen out with everyone, bar Leanne, at some point, and RoboLeanne continues to fight her corner, like a record stuck on repeat. It's nauseating. Ampika is thankful she can finally take Leanne to one side, without Dawn in her ear, but Leanne is still persistent in her support, despite claiming she doesn't take any side at all. Ampika tells Leanne she is 'sucking Dawn's shit up like a hoover', and not only is she completely accurate in her assessment, she's hilarious in her delivery too - hoover noises and all. Leanne can't handle the accusations (AKA the truth) that she is a mouthpiece for Dawn, and even claims she doesn't get involved in their issues. Girl, please. You have forced yourself into any and every argument on the show. You will do anything to look interesting, and like any hoover, there comes a point where it gets so full of crap that it has to be emptied. Ampika is taking out the trash, and not a moment too soon.

Following a vomit-inducing bedroom scene between Dawn and husband Ashley, she's decided to throw a dinner party to celebrate her trying to have a baby. Oh Jesus. Hate me all you want, but this is the most deluded person on reality television. We don't care Dawn, and nobody coming to your ridiculous dinner party, aside from Leanne, cares. She's inviting everyone, including Paul, whom she again brands a chauvinist pig, and her 'pure elegance' menu of steak and chips and sticky toffee pudding, reads like a pub grub menu. If that meal is "pure elegance" then I'm guessing she may pass out if she ever tried anything remotely upmarket - hell, even KFC may be overwhelming for her standards.

Ampika is still coming to terms with her dad's diagnosis, and Mark's support has been essential, though there is no longer any passion in their relationship. They still flirt, but their hopes at rekindling the fire just don't seem so strong. It's a shame, because these two are so sweet together, but if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Regardless, it's great that they are still able to maintain a happy, healthy relationship as parents and friends. Speaking of friends, Ampika can't help but feel guilty about her comments to Leanne at the casino, despite still feeling that Leanne, whom she now brands a 'butt plug', is doing Dawn's bidding. Oh Ampika, some people may dislike your way with words, but you had me at 'butt plug' - thank you.

Back from her vacation to Dubai, a relaxed Magali is elated to see Lauren, and get the skinny on all that she missed while away. Lauren tells her about the confrontation at the casino, and Magali points out that she had seen Leanne's desperation to be involved and stick up for Dawn from day one, proving just how astute she really is. The ticketgate drama with Dawn would have been buried a lot faster had Leanne not steamrolled in and involved herself in something that had nothing to do with her. Both Magali and Lauren have noticed that every problem starts with The Dawn, and her attack on Paul was Lauren's breaking point. They've both been invited to Dawn's dinner party to celebrate her scrambled eggs, and are just intrigued to see how everything goes down.

Butt Plug and her husband have bought a farm that they'll be moving into soon. Dawn and her interior design company are handling the building works, and though she describes it as a 'perk' of being friends with Dawn, I'm sure many would argue that business between friends isn't always the best idea. Let's not forget that, according to the Daily Mail, their business had allegedly been "in a 1.3 million pound hole" less than six years ago. Leanne seems to share no actual input into her own home, Dawn is just shown calling the shots and she nods along like a good puppy, pretty much like she has done all season.

It's time for Dawn's dinner party, and while she bosses around the staff, under the the guise of 'organising', her husband drops a bomb that he can't attend after all. Well, there goes Dawn's plan to ride him in front of the guests mid-course. Dawn doesn't want any drama at her big party, but she's still planning to confront Ampika again about their issues - another 'excellent plan' that makes my head ache in frustration.

Some of ladies arrive to be greeted by The Dawn's PA Nicola, but Dawn herself is nowhere in sight. Tanya is anxious there may be drama ahead, but she's not planning to get involved, she's just hungry. The women, and Paul, mingle and sip their champagne as Dawn is still getting her hair and make-up done. It's a pretty rude and ignorant welcome to your party. In Dawn's absense, her mother and children have also arrived, much to Lauren's dismay. Eventually, the host makes her way down the stairs, and after calling Paul a 'knob', she then says she thinks he is now a nice guy. That must be why Dawn took so long to get ready, she was having both of her faces painted.

Ampika arrives and everyone greets her warmly, as Dawn sits back and decides when to pounce. Ampika and Mark's relationship is a hot topic within the group as Paul and Magali grill them individually on where they stand in their relationship. They're both still dubious of whether they have a future together, but they really do seem perfect for one another.

Everyone takes their seats at the dinner table, including Dawn's mum, her PA, her florist, her hairdresser and probably her dentist's brothers rabbit, and Ampika silently crumbles. Everything she is going through is understandably getting on top of her, and it's evident that she really doesn't have the energy to be there at this moment, so she and Mark leave. The group toast to her and her struggles, and Magali mentions that her sister is also a survivor, having recently been given the all clear after cancer treatment. It's a beautiful, empowering moment that showcases strength despite adversary, but this isn't the conversation Paul wants to hear. He remarks that it's depressing and Magali calls him out that it isn't, it's a great thing to be a survivor, but to brutally honest Paul, this just isn't the time or the place.

Magali hides her face as tears begin to fall, and my heart breaks for her. Lauren agrees with Paul and calls out the fact that everyone around the table seems miserable, though if I was forced to eat Dawn's idea of haute cuisine in her horrific home, I would be on the brink of despair as well. I like Paul, and think the lack of any male company at the dinner finally got to him, but I didn't love that comment. The lack of men did make me notice that once again Leanne's husband is absent, that's a little odd, right? Everyone else's husband has had some part in the show, but hers was barely noticeable at Tanya's book launch party, and I think that was it. It definitely isn't that he dislikes being on TV, as he took part in Family Fortunes on ITV at the weekend. It made me a little curious of whether he wanted her to do the show or not - if only he had convinced her not to. Zzzz.

As  the guests tuck into their McDonalds Happy Meals, Dawn visits Ampika and Mark in their car as they're about to leave. Ampika explains that it just isn't the right time for her to be there, and Dawn is, for once, understanding towards her. It won't last long, I'm sure, and Ampika also isn't fooled by the act. You can only keep a monster like The Dawn at bay for so long before she's ready to attack again.

When Dawn rejoins the table, Paul just can't help himself, and asks Dawn whether she thinks she will really have another baby. "You've got more chance of meeting Donald Duck," he says, grinning, and it's true. Dawn will never have another child, not because of her age, but because it seems to me like it was nothing more than her idea of an interesting story for the show. Dawn silently seethes as the other end of the table, filled with her 624 employees, stare at one another in shock and awe at someone daring question something Dawn has said. One of Dawn's daughters responds that it's not down to Paul to dictate what happens in her mother's life, and as Dawn tells Paul to shut his mouth, he abruptly stands up to leave.

Unhappy with a child speaking to an adult that way, Lauren tries of make a point of saying that it was rude, and Dawn pounces, sticking her hand in Lauren's face and yelling "DO NOT DOG ME DAWTA! DON'T EVER DOG ME DAWTA!!" a phrase which is as lost on me as it is on Lauren. I think someone needs to tell Dawn what dogging means. Lauren and Paul were leaving anyway, but Dawn still practically throws Lauren's handbag at her and tells her to leave, as if they really wanted to spend a moment longer in Warhell Hall.

"Don't ever dog me dawta," Dawn repeats again as Lauren leaves, opening the dictionary app on her iPhone to figure out what on earth Dawn is going on about now. Everyone sits back in shock as Magali tries to reason with Lauren and Paul, but what's done is done and this has unravelled into a dinner party from hell. They leave into the night as everyone sits around awestruck at how the evening turned out, with Leanne especially somber at the fact she didn't even say one word throughout the meal. In the words of Magali, there is "never a dull moment in Cheshire", only dull people - right Leanne?

Oh The Real Housewives Of started so promisingly, but as the series has progressed it's been hard to love this show. It could be that, as a recapper of the show, I'm having to watch with a different eye than most, but it's most likely the fact that a couple of the people on this show are just painful to watch. The Real Housewives is supposed to be a fun, aspirational and downright salacious peek behind the doors of affluent women's lives, but there is nothing fun about watching Dawn Ward verbally tear down women who have done nothing to her, while her painfully dull BFF Leanne rides her coattails at the hope of looking interesting. Unfortunately, the producers of the show have decided that us viewers would want to see these two more than the others, and have padded every episode with inspid, bland scenes of them, while the likes of Lauren, Magali and Ampika really do not get the airtime that they deserve. I would love to see more of Magali and Lauren's home life, but instead we were 'treated' to scenes of Dawn getting her makeup done, getting it on with her husband and getting all her wires crossed when it came to the other Housewives. Bleurghhhh.

Let's hope that if there is a season 2, these issues will be rectified, because it's not easy to love a show when you struggle to believe a word that comes out of the mouth of the two people that have been pushed front and centre. I will say that it's been a pleasure to watch Magali, Lauren, Ampika and Tanya throughout these ten weeks, each of them unique and bringing something to the table, so if they were all to return for a potential second season, then I'd be happy - and if producers put Paul in a dress and made him a Housewife, I very well may recap that season as well.

Photo Credit: ITVBe

What did you think of this season of The Real Housewives Of Cheshire? Are you excited for a second season? Leave a comment below and let us know your thoughts.