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RHOCheshire Episode 5 Recap: Scrambled Eggs

By Chris Adelaide

Disclaimer: This contains dark humor and lots of shade - the recap is based only on the opinion of the author, not to be taken so seriously!

It's a brand new day in Cheshire, and Tanya is still reeling from the thought that she could be pregnant again. However, she's put that aside and has arranged a girls trip for everyone to Peckforton Castle, but before they go, she really wants to attempt to clear the air between Magali and Leanne, so she's planned a lunch at Gusto for the three of them.  Leanne claims she knows Magali has been talking badly about her reputation, and I'm losing the will to live, because we can all see that isn't what happened. Tanya and Leanne arrive at the restaurant, and Leanne feels that Magali will be aggressive, but if we look back two episodes ago, wasn't it Leanne that was being aggressive in the bathroom? Tanya feels this is an easily solved problem, she is a life coach after all, how hard could this be? Haha good luck Tanya, with delusional Leanne by your side, this is going to take a long time...

Magali arrives, and she feels Tanya is an angel for trying to resolve the problem, and will only react if Leanne acts badly towards her. Magali sits down, and Leanne looks confused. She doesn't have Dawn there by her side, so for once she's in control of what she can say. Unfortunately for Leanne, she doesn't know many words. There's an awkward silence around the table, which Leanne eventually breaks, and she claims whatever Magali thinks she knows isn't true. Magali is very clear she could say things if she wanted to, but out of respect for Leanne's family, she did not say a word, just like she didn't when Tanya and Lauren both grilled her last week. Leanne keeps verbally poking and prodding, trying to make Magali say anything that can help her look like a victim, but it doesn't work, so she then starts screaming about Magali bringing her children into the conversation, and you can just tell Tanya is probably regretting ever setting up this meeting.

Leanne keeps screaming "Say it" and Magali somehow keeps her cool as she keeps yapping away, trying to get a reaction out of her. The only issue Magali has is that Leanne has been mean to her, but that just isn't good enough for poor, helpless victim Leanne, who now claims that Magali told a mutual friend that she used to be a stripper. Magali promises her she never said that, which for some reason Leanne takes as some kind of proof that she has said it. There is honestly no reasoning with Leanne. Understandably, Magali begins to get frustrated with the lies, which then leads to Leanne calling her out for pointing her finger, claiming that if she wasn't more of a lady, she would throw her drink in Magali's face. Leanne, threats of physical violence don't make you more interesting, they just make you seem classless. The whole of Cheshire supposedly knows that Leanne used to be a table dancer, so why is she so intent on maliciously taking Magali down for unproved allegations of saying something everyone already knows, especially when she is the one that outed her own past in last weeks episode? Obviously, she's doing it for a storyline and to appear interesting, but it really isn't working. As I say every week, I'm SO tired of her attempting to take down the strongest person on the show time and time again, it's exhausting and repugnant. Look that word up Leanne, because I know you're reading this.

Once again, Magali tries to make it clear that she isn't there to be horrible to Leanne and she just wants the situation to be over, because there's bigger issues going on in life than what someone did or didn't say. Magali's sister is ill, and my heart breaks for her. She just wants the old Leanne she used to know back, but the trouble is, Leanne has been consumed by the cameras following her around to know who or what she even was before she became a Real Housewife on TV.

Dawn has arranged a special family photoshoot as a gift for her husband and as she and her daughters get ready she nags one of them and tells her to 'shut her mouth', claiming that she can cause a row in an empty room. Honestly the less said about Dawn, the better, but the words 'pot' and 'kettle' spring to mind.

Lauren visits her parents ahead of the girls trip. She's very close with them and divulges that Paul wants them to move to America, though she isn't so sure, and her parents are not that keen on the idea either. Lauren isn't confident that she would fit in in Arizona, and she definitely doesn't want to leave her parents in Cheshire. It's never easy moving to a new place, especially on the other side of the world.

Ampika is cooking for a very special guest, her ex-husband Mark, and it's great to see just how close these two are, despite being divorced. They spend countless nights  a week together and still even celebrate their wedding anniversary, and after six years Mark still hasn't moved onto another woman. When they're bored or lonely, they know they can rely on one another to make them feel better, and their relationship is honestly adorable.

Leanne is sulking in her big empty home, so she calls Dawn up to whine about Magali again - does she ever talk about anything or anyone else? She's pretty annoyed that Tanya has invited Magali on the girls trip, and on hearing the news, Dawn isn't looking forward to it either. Well then ladies, if you don't like that a cast member has been invited to a CAST trip, you shouldn't go - but then you wouldn't have any camera time, would you? That's no loss for us viewers.

The day of the girls vacation has arrived, and Leanne and Tanya are pretty excited as both hosted their weddings at Peckforton Castle. Leanne is finding the thought of spending the trip with Magali daunting, yet Magali is happy to 'let it be', whether Leanne likes her or not. Again, Leanne just seems aching for a fight constantly, anything to keep her on the show. One by one, they arrive at the castle and they all have huge rooms apart from Ampika, which really is unfair. She visits Dawn's room, and Dawn can't help but cackle at the thought of Ampika being stuck in a lower class room than her. They discuss their disagreement at Leanne's charity event, but Dawn, who calls herself out on having a big mouth, is frazzled that Ampika would dare bring it up and feels she must be jealous of her! Jealous of what exactly?!

Meanwhile, as they get ready for dinner, Leanne is pressing Tanya to find out if she is pregnant or not. She's practically forcing her into the bathroom to take a pregnancy test because she knows this is probably another good way to get camera time. After a lot of discussion about how to take the test, it's official: Tanya isn't pregnant! At least she can have a drink now, I think she may need several during this girls trip.

The women all meet for dinner, where Tanya reveals to everyone that she isn't pregnant, just fat! Bless Tanya, if she considers herself to be fat then I worry for the rest of us. They jokingly toast to 'Fat', and before anybody else can even get a chance, Dawn turns the conversation to herself and her own pregnancy scare. She starts a long winded story and Lauren is visibly frustrated as she plays with her hair and hides her discomfort behind it. She feels Dawn has a habit of making everything about her and considers it boring, and Ampika dances inside, pleased that someone else finally spoke up against Dawn.

Tanya and Magali sit back and witness the dinner fall apart, feeling it's best not to get involved, as the atmosphere suddenly drops, and RoboLeanne just wishes she hadn't left her spare battery at home as she's fading fast. Dawn's attention seeking attitude is honestly obnoxious, but from what we've seen previously, she probably doesn't know any other way to behave. "You spoke so much that I got a little bit sick of listening to you," Lauren remarks, as for once Dawn says nothing and silently seethes, swigging back her champagne. She tells us in her confessional scene that it was so rude of Lauren to call her out on talking to much, but Dawn already said she can't shut herself up, so what's the problem with Lauren calling her out for the same thing? She clearly can't handle the truth.

Trying to break the silence, Ampika reveals how excited she was at the thought of Tanya being pregnant, as she wants another child herself. Dawn feels that if Ampika wants one, she should just make it happen, but Ampika makes it clear that she wants another baby through love, not artificial insemination. "If I was forty, I would look at other options, like adoption," Ampika tells them, and Dawn sulks, shocked that Ampika would dare bring up being over forty when she desperately wants to freeze her eggs. Tanya suggests to Ampika that she freeze her eggs, and Lauren makes it clear she's not so sure about anyone doing that. "Why would you freeze a forty-five year old's eggs? They're duds anyway. Have you ever froze a pizza and it came out good?" Lauren asks, and I died laughing inside. Maybe some will disagree with Lauren's view, but there is something in what she's saying, after all Dawn already has four children, and her husband has made it clear that he does not want another.

Unable to handle the conversation, Dawn gets up and leaves the table, as everyone sits back in shock. She clearly can't handle anyone having a differing opinion to her own, so she heads to her room, though she isn't upset enough to not have the cameras follow her in. She sits in front of the mirror and sulks and pats her eyes, wishing she could make just one tear appear.  That's the downside of Botox, Dawn, the tears just won't come, even when you're trying hard to look relatable on a reality show.

Next Time: Tanya tries to make peace; Lauren stands her ground and Ampika fights her corner against Dawn!

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Photo Credit: ITVBe