RHOCheshire Episode 1 Recap: You're As Cold As Ice

By Chris Adelaide

Welcome to the first Real Housewives Of Cheshire recap! Yes, the Real Housewives have finally found a home in the UK and their first episode was full of glamour, drama and shade. Introductions are always hard to recap on these shows, so let's start by looking at the ladies' taglines, shall we?

Ampika: I'm always going to get interest in the opposite sex. I'm like a snake, and when I'm done with you, I'll discard you.
Dawn: I've got a wonderful life. I'm gobby, I'm full on, I'll always say what I think - you're not gonna change a leopards spots.
Lauren: I'm a domestic goddess. I don't listen to anything anyonetells me, so it's all about me.
Leanne: I married a footballer, I live in a fairly big house. I'd say it's worked out well.
Magali: When you cross me, you better don't cross me. Don't mess with Magali.
Tanya: I have the dream body, dream man, career - I've got it all.

Okay, I'll say it. Other than Magali and Tanya's, these are not proper Real Housewives taglines - these are practically essays. And this isn't the girls' fault, it's the producers. Taglines need to be short, sharp and to the point. And a little shade is always welcome.

Let's meet Dawn Ward. She's a mother of four and an interior designer with a ridiculously huge home called Warford Hall. She's married to an ex-footballer Ashley Ward and according to Dawn, they are considered the 'golden couple'. I'm pretty sure David and Victoria Beckham would have something to say about that - but OK.  Let's be real, Dawn's first impression - her shouting at a member of staff while filming a confessional - is not a great look. 

Dawn, who says she has OCD, is preparing for her annual Creme De La Creme Ball, an event she hosts at her home every year for charity, inspired by her youngest daughter Aston who had meningitis as a baby, it's a heartbreaking story. She is allegedly organising everything while we see many nameless PA's and assistants running around for fear of being yelled at too. Amidst the madness, Dawn is fuming. She tells us that fellow Housewife Magali Gorré has been texting her trying to get a free ticket to the event. Dawn's adamant that this won't be happening as she only gives free tickets to people that have donated a lot of money and responds to the text telling Magali to "F*ck off". How classy.

And here is the woman of the hour, Magali. She's a Dutch author, a wife to ex-footballer Dean Gorré, and mother to three sons. Two of their sons have followed in dad's footsteps and are footballers too, and it's so sweet to see how close the family is. Despite their luxurious life, which they've worked hard for, Magali makes it clear that money is not everything, and while many have nannies and au pairs, she does it all herself. It's honestly hard not to like and trust her from the very first moment.

Magali lets us know the real deal on the ticket debacle. She had planned to go and already had the tickets as her friend had a table. She then received a call from Dawn's people asking if she wanted tickets. She inquired if the tickets she was being offered were complimentary, as she would give them to a friend if so, and that my friends somehow turned into Magali asking for free tickets. Magali expects an apology, and sadly, I expect that wont be happening any time soon.

Have you ever seen someone walk a rabbit on a lead? Well you have now! Here comes Lauren Simon, a bold and bubbly full time mum, born and bred in Cheshire and she knows everyone. She's been married to a successful businessman called Paul for the past ten years and is a self proclaimed domestic goddess. Lauren and Paul love to clash, especially about her spending habits as he's quite shrewd and there's only so many blow jobs she can give him. Can we hook Lauren and Paul up with a fleshlight, please?

It's getting closer to the Ball and Dawn still doesnt have an outfit, so shopping is in order, with long-time friend Leanne by her side. Dawn describes Leanne as 'a bit of a princess'  but she loves her, and in a short scene where Leanne tells her kids that she'll be taking them to school today, their jaws hit the floor -  I'm guessing it doesn't happen that often.  Leanne is married to a footballer too and they live in a house which Dawn sold them and decorated. The less I say about the interior design of the house, the better, but the words 'whorehouse' and 'nouveau riche' spring to mind. So much velour.

Dawn makes it clear she does not want a black dress, as a hostess should never wear black, and between trying on dresses and inhaling champagne, she brings up the situation with Magali, or at least her version of events. Leanne doesn't seem impressed by Magali from what she's been told and Dawn says she's pissed off and that Magali needs to get a life. But hey, at least she found a non-black dress for the event...

Leanne meets up with old friend and model Tanya, whom has just recently moved back to Cheshire after living with her footballer husband in Sunderland for years. Tanya is aware that Cheshire can be clique-y, but she isn't bothered as she's here to stay. She loves cosmetic surgery and is dying for a nose job after years of picking it. However, after  a consultation with a surgeon, she's opted for a boob job instead. I have no idea on what planet that makes sense, but I like it. Tanya is sweet and honest and, like Magali, it's hard not to adore her from the start.

Tanya doesn't really know anyone else that's going to the Ball, so Leanne takes her to meet Ampika Pickman, a mother of one who owns her own glamorous salon called Opium. Ampika is currently single, after divorcing and becoming independent, and she doesn't mind that as she has very high standards when it comes to men. The girls toast to Ampika meeting someone new, and she tells Tanya that there is a fight at the Ball every year. From the drama we can see building, I get the feeling this won't be changing any time soon.

In preparation for the Ball, Ampika and Lauren head to try out a cryotherapy treatment, a three minute cold sauna that is supposed to make you all kinds of fabulous. Despite hating  the cold, Ampika takes it on and is honestly hysterical as she jumps up and down inside, regretting ever agreeing to try it. As Lauren steps inside the sauna, talk turns to the gala and who's going. Ampika tells Lauren about the ticket situation and says that from what she's heard, she isn't keen on Magali. But regardless, she just wants to enjoy herself, and never set foot in a cold sauna again.

It's the day of the Creme De La Creme ball and Dawn is organising the seating arrangements for 600 people, 500 of which are probably her staff. As well as an interior designer, she's also a 'momager' to her eldest daughter Darby, whom is in a girl band. The Ball will be the first time they have ever performed live and Dawn is nervous for them to do well. Mid- napkin folds, an event planner asks to speak and Dawn soon regrets saying 'Yes' when they ask what's happening with Magali's place at the table. Dawn gives in and says she can come but she will not be calling her to invite her. Nameless assistant (let's call her number 415) scrambles for a phone, and a shocked Magali accepts but explains that she would appreciate for Dawn to have text or called her personally - which really isn't too much to ask for at all.

Without hesitation, Dawn snatches the phone from number 423's hand (she's been demoted for folding a napkin wrong) and tells Magali she is welcome to come, but when Magali tries to clear the air and tell her side of the story, she's shut down time and time again as Dawn talks over her. She says she doesn't want to start an argument, but considering she had previously told Magali to 'fuck off' in a text message, I'd say they're already in an argument. Still, Magali wishes her well and tells her not to stress out about the event. I have to give it to Dawn, I've never seen someone juggle three phones at once before. That's a skill, right?

Dawn is pretty adamant she and Magali will never be best friends - no, not when you're talking badly about her to everyone Hun. But for now, she has an event to dress for, and champagne that's just lying there when it could be drank. The red carpet is out, the guests have arrived, and Dawn can't fit into her blue dress - uh oh. Remember that black dress that just wouldn't do as a hostess' outfit? Well it's going to have to do, and fast. 

While the guests wait for Dawn, Lauren is circulating, trying to find a single man to set Ampika up with. Ampika likes a more mature man and knows Lauren will just find a young, dumb guy, and unsurprisingly, Lauren returns empty handed. Despite the beautiful party, the name 'Magali' is on everyone's lips, and just like that, in she walks with husband Dean. Magali feels like she's stepped into the lions den, while Ampika just tries not to look at her, and Tanya promises to stay out of the situation. Magali feels the 'vibe was not right' and she couldn't be any more accurate. The atmosphere was as cold as ice, and she was being thrown on the fire to burn.

From one disaster to another, Darby's girl band take to the stage and, in Dawn's own words,  are "horrific" as she scrambles to tell the sound guy that the bass is too loud. After the performance, Dawn makes her way towards the table and greets everyone, including Magali. Leanne isn't quite sure why Dawn hasn't confronted Magali over ticket-gate yet, so has decided to take matters into her own hands. Because that should end well...

Leanne takes Magali aside and asks her about the situation, but pounces as soon as she explains that it was a misunderstanding. Leanne questions whether she is telling the truth as it doesn't match up to her BFF Dawn's story. Magali is just shocked and confused as to why Leanne is even involving herself in the situation. She further explains that she already had tickets with somebody else at another table, and tells her that she was called by Dawn's people about tickets, she did not call asking for free tickets. "You have to come with facts, there are no facts. When you go to war, know why you go to war" Magali intelligently states, and we can't argue with that. They agree to clear it up with Dawn at a later date, just not at this charity event. Leanne claims she doesn't want to get involved, after involving herself, and Magali just wants to go home to her pet dog LuLu rather than defend herself to Dawn's lapdog Leanne. 

Magali and Dean leave, while Dawn demands Leanne to 'Sit' and 'Play dead', and Magali is truly shocked at the side of Leanne that she's seen at the event. She's just happy to be with her husband and deal with this petty drama another time, and who can blame her? One thing is clear to me watching this first episode: Magali is being thrown under the bus as the villain,but if the girls just listened to her, things could have run a lot smoothly. 

Next time: Ampika hosts a dinner party where drama and shade are on the menu. Check, please!

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What did you think of the first episode of Real Housewives Of Cheshire? Leave a comment below and let us know what you thought!

Photo Credit: ITVBe