All the ladies of RHONY have gathered in Manhattan's Hammerstein Theater for the long awaited reunion. Essentially the ladies are reunited and it feels so...divided? This is evident right away from the seating arrangement. Every season, fans try to guess the seating arrangements of the reunion and each seat has a different value. It's like a gay football office pool. The ladies are divided into their obvious teams: the sofa to Andy's right has Kristen (next to Andy), Heather, Carole and LuAnn, in that order. The sofa to Andy's left holds Ramona, then Sonja and then Aviva. It is going to be left against right throughout. I doubt that many people guessed the seating corretly, because Kristen, a newbie, got placed next to Andy. Gasp. Wisely, and predictably, Carole and Aviva are seated facing each other, but with the most distance and even a table between them to give security an sextra second in case of attack. Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that Aviva's seat is the one no housewife wants. Same goes for LuAnn's seat, but she shouldn't complain. She's technically a "friend of the housewives," though she has appeared more than Aviva.
Next, we all have to judge the ladies' reunion looks. Heather wins, hands down. Andy points out that she is very '40s inspired. LuAnn looks good in a white dress and huge costume jewelery. Kristen is wearing a dress that looks like the longer cousin of Joyce's ice skating reunion dress from RHOBH. Kristen also has new boobs, an anniversary gift from Josh. That Josh is so considerate and selfless. Seriously though, if a blowie got her earrings, I don't want to know what she had to do for boobs. Carole is rocking some blonde locks and a gorgeous dress that accentuates that great ass. LuAnn looks stately in white. Ramona looks good in a long dress and she says she decided to change it up since it is her sixth reunion. Ugh. Yeah, we know that you are the original. That is why you are still there after behaving like JLo with a penchant for violence all season. Sonja is "pretty in pink," as she says, with black accents and sporting "commando razor cut panties." I really did not need that but Andy asked. Aviva looks good in gold but she still appears gaunt in the aftermath of the Montana trip, making her face look hard.
The first order of business is taglines. The tongue-in-cheek taglines got tons of attention, and Andy asks the girls if they were happy with them. Everyone says yes. A fan question puts Ramona on the spot about her drinking with the "turtle time" reference. Of course Ramona denies that turtle time involves drinking, but then says, "Wine's been around for centuries, since the Bible." We also get clarification that Fabio did not date Ramona or ask her out, he just wanted to really badly (according to Ramona). Another viewer question asks Kristen if she regrets her tagline, saying it makes her cringe. Kristen stands by it, saying she got it out of the way and that it's funny. Kristen, I really like you, but it is awful and everyone cringes. Own your truth. I can see that right out the gate Kristen has brought her game to the reunion. I think she got strategy from Brandi because she is calling everybody out. Well, everybody on the left couch anyway.
Andy decides to go ahead and rattle their cage with a sensitive question. How does LuAnn feel about everyone calling her LuMann? First of all, it is only Sonja and Ramona who say it. Sonja thinks it is endearing because, you know, LuAnn performs all tall and in a headdress with her husky voice. Ramona then says that she actually thought LuAnn was a drag queen when she first saw her. Nice. LuAnn grits her teeth and says, "If I didn't love drag queens so much, I'd be offended." She is trying to look like it does not bother her, but you can see that she wants to stand up, adjust herself and issue a beat down.
Moving on, we see Kristen's season montage. The clip is almost entirely argumentative, late season Kristen. That's when she figured out the game and started playing. Andy hits on the time Aviva told Kristen to STFU in front of the kids. Then they both repeat it a couple times. Heather looks at Aviva from the opposite sofa and shouts, "Where'd you learn to talk like that, prison?" They discuss Heather and Kristen's fight in Montana, which Heather handled beautifully. Aviva trys to pay her a compliment and Heather may as well have said STFU because she ain't having it.
Moving on to one of the most shocking moments of the season, Andy asks Ramona about throwing the "plastic wine glass" at Kristen's face. Ramona still doesn't care and her mouth is trying not to say that, but she just cannot pretend to care very well. First of all, Ramona says, "I threw a liquid into a liquid," followed by reassuring us it was light plastic. Ramona is getting irritated and shouts, "It was un-ladylike, you don't even throw a sponge," and for them to move on and get over it. Well Ramona, since you asked so nicely, apology accepted.
Our next montage features everyone talking sex. There's Sonja running away after the races in Saratoga but keeping her phone in case she gets a booty call. Kristen trades oral sex for presents. Heather might cry during orgasm and she promised to let Jonathan have a threesome for their tenth anniversary. Yep...never happening. Carol discusses "blowies" and reminds us that they are called jobs for a reason. She will also try anything once, "even anal." And then we see the facialist, right there talking about LuAnn. A viewer asks if the rumor is true and LuAnn says no, she usually goes for tall men. I am not buying it. They may just be tall, thick French men. I still think she is "in churge."
This leads the ladies into a discussion of the facialist. Carole and LuAnn are still not pleased over this, but Carole acts like she doesn't care. She does. She says she doesn't, but then she says,"I don't know, sh_t happens." Aviva then says, "Carole and Russ had an open relationship." Carole disagrees. Even if they did, that does not mean Sonja should be moving in on Russ. Carole is correct when she says that the whole situation says far more about Sonja than anyone else. Because they are talking sex, we smoothly transition to George. Andy asks Aviva about him, saying that viewers reacted negatively. She informs that the love story that is George and Cody has not moved in holy matrimony yet, but they are in love.
Andy says that many viewers felt that what George said to Ramona was sexual harrassment. I think I agree. Whatever it was, it was twisted and wildly inappropriate. I remember watching with my mouth hanging open. Ramona will not let Andy repeat it. He says he doesn't understand what it was and Heather jumps in with, "Oh it's gross. It's necrophilia." Heather then calls Aviva out for supporting George's ways by having his party at the Museum of Sex, saying it is "needling the issue and supporting the issue. "
I am surprised to see Ramona, who says she will never be around George again, defend Aviva for not trying to get him to stop. LuAnn is repulsed and says that just because you can't control who your parents are, "you CAN control where you take them." I used to enjoy George, with his gleaming white teeth and his deep tan. If the girls don't mind him rubbing his erection on them, who am I to object? But he went too far, and I haven't even mentioned him groping Kristen's breast. Next Sonja answers a question about dating a 23-year-old and we are given a quick rundown of the difference between friends with benefits, boyfriends and one night stands. In the next breath, she says, "I connect emotionally with men." That is a lot of connecting, Ms. Morgan.
The next montage is of Aviva, mainly talking about the "ubiquitous word on the street," as Andy puts it. We see bookgate replayed and all of the rumors that began with the word on the street. I love Carole's talking head where she says, "Does anyone talk like that? There is no word. There is no street." Aviva claims that she used that term because she did not want to give up her sources. Also in the montage, we see the classic clip of Aviva throwing her meds at Kristen while puffing an inhaler after she has just told Kristen about her asthma. Now Aviva has to once more defend her illness. Her best argument is that you can't take medicine if you don't need it, except that you totally can. Recreational drug use, anyone? She says of an inhaler, "I think it will make you VERY jittery." She then lets us know she has a "wonderful internist," Andy's doctor. Andy announces that he has asthma and pulls out his inhaler, which Ramona takes a puff of. Andy then says that he was in Montana six months ago. Aviva's argument was just destroyed. The women shout back and forth, but we hear Carole shout out, "She's such a bitch." Carole is over this whole mess.
In a quick interlude, we see an outtake of filming where Ramona is yelling at production that they don't have glasses of water with straws set up behind them. Once again, Ramona is the hostess. Andy looks beyond frustrated.
Our last major moment of the episode comes after Andy shows a "Sonja According to Sonja" montage. We see when she went to Josh for branding advice and josh and Kristen caller her delusional. The problem is this. Sonja claims to be everything: comedian, actress, model (this new revlation briefly threw Kristen), broadway star (if she wanted to be) cabaret/burlesque professional, "lifestyle expert," hostess and so on. Sonja is hurt that Kristen would call her delusional. Kristen says that Sonja is smart and talented and, if she put her mind to one thing, she could do anything. She finishes that by standing up and saying, "...but Sonja Morgan, you are DELUSIONAL." She doesn't actually say it, she sings and dances it out. I think right then Sonja put in a call and got something "on the table" to market that song and dance, use it as her Nigerian football team's fight song, along with a cheer, and had it printed on her French shirts. We can't see these French shirts or this football team, but they are there.
Andy asks her what "lifestyle expert" means and she says it is "buying and selling houses." Andy points out that is known as flipping houses. In my favorite line of the night, LuAnn shouts, "She's 'Flipping Out'." The Bravo promotions just got all meta on us. Sonja claims she is paid tens of thousands of dollars for branding advice and that "they" come to her with ideas. "They" want her to do wine in a can. Josh truly is a branding expert, so Kristen takes offense when Sonja claims to be one. Sonja tells her, "Your husband works for P. Diddy. P. Diddy comes on my yacht." Wow. Kristen and LuAnn both point out that Sonja doesn't have a yacht. Sonja also claims to be responsible for a huge staff of people, between 40-45. Other than her unpaid interns, Sonja names her judge, trustee and doctors among her staff. I didn't realize that when I went to court for a traffic ticket, the court became my employees. Next time I will ask the judge for a cup of coffee and my messages.
When Andy asks if Sonja is bothered by viewers (correctly) saying that Sonja has a little "Grey Gardens" in her, she says, "No. You know Edie Beale and her mother were charming, talented...," and LuAnn interrupts with, "They were mentally ill." LuAnn claims that the show has given Sonja a swollen ego and changed her. In a clip, we see them talking back in the early days and it is true. Sonja has changed massively. However, she is under a tremendous amount of pressure and I think that the facade is her protective shell. Nonetheless, until someone locates a yacht full of Nigerian football players cooking in Sonja Morgan Toaster Ovens while wearing French shirts, drinking cans of wine, I shall remain dubious. I think Sonja's "umbrella" is currently turned upside down.
I leave you with one serious question: can anyone tell me if Le Cirque seriously serves Pigs In A Blanket? Seriously. On part two, we get to see LuAnn branded a bully by Lifestyle Expert Sonja Morgan, Ramona acting as Ambassador of the Hamptons while dissing the Berkshires and Andy and Ramona have a full blown catfight over whether Mario's love rat ways are fair game for discussion. Thanks for reading! Until then, I'm going to light my abundance candle and pop open a can of wine. XO
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The Real Housewives of New York City airs Tuesday nights at 9/8c on Bravo!
Photo Credit: Bravo
