It's the next to last episode of the season and things are ramping up. Starting out the episode, we see Kate and Eric Goldie, Carole's assistant and her adorable "Vice President of Social Media" respectively, meeting with Heather at her office to discuss the details of Carole's 50th birthday party. Carole is still on her book tour in London and Heather has agreed to take the reigns in planning the bash. Ms. Radziwill has chosen the theme of Midnight of Garden of Good and Evil, and she has left out no detail. Among her requests: 1,000 white lights, Spanish moss on the tables, 5,000 white rose petals, chandeliers from her home, and caged butterflies as centerpieces, as well as polished red apples to incorporate a Garden of Eden theme. In response to caged butterflies, Heather tells Carole, who is on the phone from London, "I'd like that as option number last." In one last reasonable and simple request, Carole adds that she would like a snake handler...oh, and a psychic. In her talking head, Carole says, "Fog machine, harvest moon in the trees, lace around the front door, pistols...not much. What makes a party great are the details." I love this woman.
Meanwhile, Sonja and Harry are at a pet shop where Harry wants to take their relationship to the next level by buying them a puppy. She says, "You think I'm ready for a puppy?," and Harry says "we" are ready. This is akin to having a baby to save a marriage, but on a much smaller scale. Sonja tells the cameras that Harry has cheated before, stating, "I'd have to Velcro his ass to a couch to get him to stay committed." Sonja is well aware of Harry's ways, but you can see in her eyes that she really loves him and she tries to but her fears aside. Unfortunately for Sonja, not only has he cheated on her, he's cheated on others too, and we all know the cliche: Once a cheater, always a cheater. (Sorry for the cliche, Carole) As they order the poodle puppy that Sonja will likely be raising as a single mother, I see her other dog sitting in his open carrier hanging from a hook. This makes the mystery of the dog drowning in the fountain not so mysterious.
One dysfunctional relationship over, we see Kristen and Josh in couple's therapy. Now I do not mean to be a skeptic, but the last time I remember seeing couple's therapy on Bravo was when Russell and Taylor had theirs filmed for Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Needless to say, I would stray from airing my therapy sessions after that. There was the exception where Joanna Krupa dragged Romain to therapy because he wouldn't have sex with her, but I'm going to leave that one alone. If things are still bad, Romain, give me a buzz. Josh and Kristen's attire sums up the problem with the relationship. Josh is wearing his trusty, ever present EBoost tee, and Kristen is wearing a sweatshirt that says "Love Me Tender." I know Kristen is a ride or die Elvis fan, but this is too much. They are literally wearing their hearts on their sleeves. Josh is all EBoost and Kristen is begging for love and affection. When the therapist asks when was the last time the two had a romantic date, Josh remembers a night two weeks ago where they had a lovely, romantic meal. Kristen seems to remember differently, as her eyes well up and she reveals that she has a picture of Josh leaning on a fire hydrant and talking on the telephone while Kristen sat alone. Kristen feels he does not acknowledge her presence and wonders if he loves her at all. The therapist asks them to tell one another what they value about each other and Kristen says what an excellent provider he he, how she feels protected, how he is a great man and she adores him. Josh offers nothing of the sort. He does offer a quip that makes me somewhat queasy. When Kristen says that if she is understanding, she gets a great dinner and an expensive handbag, Josh says, "If you're a really good girl, you'll get ice cream after dinner." I'm not sure if this was intended as a double entendre, but it comes off that way, making Josh seem more arrogant than ever...and making me want to brush my teeth.
Across town, Ramona is helping Avery pack for school. For once, Avery is having an anxiety attack and Ramona--yes, Ramona Singer--is teaching her calming breathing techniques. How does Ramona know these? When did she learn? I thought her coping technique was to inhale a bottle of Ramona Pinot but, alas, she knows breathing exercises. Two days later, we see Ramona, Mario and Avery headed to the airport for Avery's college sendoff. Ramona is losing it and I feel for her, but that only lasts until her next scene. We are shown a montage of Avery growing up before our eyes, from a kid into a beautiful young woman. And with that, Avery has flown the coop.
Finally, we are given one scene with Aviva. She has accompanied Heather Abbott to look at prosthetics. Heather Abbott is a Boston Marathon bomb survivor who lost her lower leg. To her credit, Aviva visited her in the hospital and the two have become friends. Aviva manages to work in her favorite phrase: "Life without limbs is limitless." However, I refuse to poke fun at Aviva for this, even though I feel this scene is Bravo rehabbing her image. No matter what we see on camera, I truly believe that Aviva does a great deal of good supporting amputees. She oven stoops to a level many never would for fame, but she does use that fame for some good. At the end of the scene, we see that "A Step Ahead," the charity Aviva works with, is giving Heather a prosthesis free of charge. While I give Aviva props, I still am calling #ScriptedByBravo.
Across town, Sonja has decided that, with her growing feelings for Harry, she needs some guidance. What does one do when one needs guidance? If you are Sonja, you meet your "Christian Mystic" Thomas John at a steakhouse for a card reading. Christian Mystic may be my favorite job title ever. He reads Sonja's cards and he tells her she is intuitive, protected in the spirit world, her money will balance out, as well as her issues with her home. Then, for good luck, he does one last card. "Oh sh_t," me mutters. It's the female devil card! There is a devil in Sonja's group, a brunette devil. Sonja's first question: "Is her name Carole." When he says no, Sonja says, "That's very disappointing." She wonders whether it is Heather or Luann, but she is leaning towards LuAnn.
Back at the party space, Heather is in a frenzy getting all of Carole's details in order when in walk Carole and Goldie. Heather is the best, but she is none too happy to see Carole as "more demands are coming out of her." The first crisis is that there will be no snake handler. Heather explains that there was a permit problem with the snake in a restraunt. Carole questions her and Heather quips that she isn't aware of snake handler permit protocol. After seeing to some details, Carole sits down in the middle of the venue for a manicure. Heather goes to join her but Carole tells her she has to stay busy bossing everyone around. When the two discuss who is on the guest list, Carole says that Aviva is left off, but that she can come to the next party, "The Garden of Evil and Evil." Burn. All the women dress as good or evil and the party is beautiful. Jonathan passes by in his white dinner jacket and I swoon. Meanwhile, Heather shows Kristen the butterfly centerpieces, which are all rapidly dying. LuAnn show up solo and Mario asks about Jacques. LuAnn has to tell them that the two have broken up. Always sensitive, Ramona tells the camera,"LuAnn just says they're gonna take time apart. That's a wussy excuse." She's so sensitive; I cannot believe LuAnn didn't share all of the intimate details with her. Back to Heather, who realizes she got mannequins and butterflies but forgot water. Oops.
Carole finally arrives and is stunning in a red peplum dress, looking the best I have ever seen her, with the adorable Goldie at her side. She states that she has not celebrated a birthday since her husband died and she's surprised she wants to celebrate it, but she is happy to turn 50. Inside, LuAnn breaks down and Heather offers suport. Carole says, "It's my party and you can cry if you want to." She tells the camera, "I don't want to be the center of attention anyway," so she's happy about LuAnn, but not about the breakup of course.
Across the patio, Harry pulls Sonja aside and says he wants to make a deeper commitment. He puled out a ring. It is NOT an engagement ring, but an I love you, let's commit ring. Sonja is happy. He wants the ring to prove to her that he loves her and wants her and they share a kiss in front of a watching crowd. Heather's toast to Carole is perfect. It is a reading of Carole's email about what she wants at the party and it is absolutely charming and Carole turns as red as her dress. The best part of it is when she writes, "Don't say 50 is the new 30. I hate cliches, and 30 isn't that great anyway." Sonja has, in the meantime, discovered that LuAnn has broken up with Jacques and she reacts like any friend would: fury that she was not notified. LuAnn knew Sonja was jealous of her so how could Lu be so cruel as to withhold this from Sonja? LuAnn tells the camera, "I'm so happy she's found a way to make my breakup about her." When Sonja says she knew Jacques wasn't forever, LuAnn digs in by saying she's not so sure Harry is a forever mate either.
In a sweet and fun moment, Heather and LuAnn sing Carole a birthday song. It is hilarious. However, Ramona heard there would be a singer and says she was expecting "Tony Bennett or Puff Daddy," adding, "That's really lame....I'm not feeling it." At this moment, my sympathy for her over Avery's departure has dissipated and I think, B_tch, were you expecting JLo? Go to Molly Sims' house and get out of my face. Soon, Sonja confides in Ramona that Harry has presented her a ring because he loves her and doesn't want to lose her. Ramona says she gave him a speech about it and that she and Sonja are alike: hard outside but mushy marshmallows inside. Marshmallow roast anyone? As this conversation is taking place, we see a randy looking Harry approach a newly single LuAnn, whom he tells she is "stellarly beautiful." Although we are not privy to the whole conversation, we know their conversation and their history. As Sonja decides it is time to go, she looks for Harry, who has just ditched her in a cab with LuAnn, the brunette Devil.
To Carole, Heather and Goldie: I forgive you guys for not calling me. However, I live in Savannah, the Garden of Good and Evil. I have met John Berendt, Lady Chablis and many of those crazy characters. Additionally, I know the locales like the back of my hand. Guys, I could have added some insight and authenticity to that party! But since I love you all, should you come to Savannah, I will give you a personalized tour, including Mercer House, which, according to local rumor, Jackie Kennedy once looked into purchasing. Okay you three, you are forgiven.
Until next week, I, like you, will be googling the way legs can be used as weapons and watching out for devils of all hair colors, even gingers. Thanks for reading!
Follow Seth on Twitter: Follow @jsethriley
The Real Housewives of New York City airs Tuesday nights at 9/8c on Bravo!
Photo Credit: Bravo
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