Welcome back to Missoula, for "leg" three of #RHONYGoesWest, where we are still missing one notorious Leggy Blonde. In her stead is the Countess, who is ever present, yet a "Friend of the Housewives." How does this work, anyway? Does Aviva just toss her apple over to LuAnn when the pollen count gets too high? Anyway, let's get started. So we begin with Kristen, back at the Antlers cabin, licking her wounds from a fight with Heather. A fight she started. A fight she can't win. Kristen feels Heather was "mocking" her and being cruel. At this point, I feel like she is more embarrassed that anything and cannot just let it go. It is as if Kristen has geocached her way to a treasure trove of her own issues and she is throwing them all on Heather. Not smart.
Meanwhile, at the Beaver cabin, Ramona is busy drunkenly arranging refreshments and playing hostess for the sole purpose of proving that Kristen is a BAD HOSTESS. Oh the shame! Carole kindly goes to the other cabin to check on Kristen, who is crying in the bathroom, soothing Kristen by telling her it is always hard on the one who puts the trip together (Bravo production?). Wisely, Carole suggests the trip was over-planned, saying people need time to do their own thing. I agree and think that solo peyote trips may do some of these women a lot of good. Back at the Beaver cabin, the ladies all buzz about the argument between Kristen and Heather. Someone twists words into Kristen saying Heather was "a drunk," and Heather clears it up, saying no, Kristen just said she was drunk, followed by, "I definitely have a very solid buzz on, that I plan to continue, by the way," delivered with a grin that makes me howl.
Kristen has to pull herself together though, because the next activity starts immediately, "Glamping." Great concept, obnoxious name. Ramona goes to see if Sonja is ready for glamping and finds her fast asleep. Sonja pleads with Ramona to let her sleep, saying Kristen is in a really bad mood and she is "geocrashing." Then a sleepy Sonja surprises us with the best argument for staying in: "Tell them I have asthma." Bam! Glamping will take place in massive, gorgeous tents, where the women will be taken care of by two more gorgeous men, Adam and Brad the Ranch Hands. I think Bravo knew this trip was slightly painful so they made sure to add the most attractive attendants as possible. Well done! Ramona is playing hostess once more, ordering the men to bring in heaters and get the wine ready. The tension is thick so Heather makes an effort to break the ice with Kristen by brushing by her and jokingly saying, "Move over, bitch." Kristen is not letting it go and this attitude tuns dinner into Kristen v. Everyone.
First we have Kristen telling the entire group that they are unappreciative of her hostessing and Ramona pounces, saying, "In all fairness, I've been doing most of the work for you, Sweetheart." Kristen looks like she's going to pop a vein while yelling that she doesn't need to wipe their butts for them. Yes, wipe their butts. She screams that she's sorry they didn't have a butler, then points to the Ranch Hands, saying, "There's your butler." Brad and Adam both try to look busy and hustle by, attempting invisibility. In my favorite talking head ever, Kristen addresses Ramona indirectly by saying, "You know what? She can go f__k herself." Now I am with Ramona on this one. If Ramona could bring along her trusty curler, Bernice (who I think escaped to the Hamptons in a tiny plane), Carole could bring a bear suit (more to come on that), and Sonja could bring a squirrel (that tryst did not take place by chance, people), then surely Kristen could have smuggled in a proper butler. After all, she is hosting THE Ramona Singer. Wise up, Kristen. Just kidding. I'm never with Ramona...ever.
Because she cannot stop until it is a full blown meltdown, Kristen then hounds Heather about the bossy issue some more. This time, however, she throws Carole into the mix by asking, "You don't control Carole?" Carole seems confused and not pleased to be tossed under the bus. If Carole were so easily controlled and afraid of conflict, I don't think she would have signed a Housewives contract. As if the line were not crossed, Kristen then says that Heather also bosses around her own husband, Jonathan, and controls him. Happy drunk Heather is no more and a change comes across her face that frightens me through the television set. You do not judge Heather's family and she's having none of it. Neither is Carole. Neither am I. You see, Jonathan is my dream husband. He's handsome, sweet, attentive. He's the whole package and he worships his wife and kids. He is my Househusband crush of RHONY and I will not have him disparaged. Kristen flees dinner and, of all people, Ramona goes after her. As LuAnn points out, "Ramona keeps saying she's the hostess, so it's her job to bring her back." But this IS Ramona Singer we are talking about so she uses the opportunity to pull Kristen aside and agree with her that Heather controls Jonathan, suggesting Jonathan is some meek little creature who has no presence when he enters a room, unlike charming manly men Josh and Mario...because we all know they're golden.
The following morning, Stepford Friend Carole goes to check in on Heather, bringing her a beverage to nurse her hangover, as well as a dose of Tranquil Day. Ok, I am just assuming Carole keeps a bottle of Tranquil Day on hand. Heather is mulling over the possibility that her eyes are stuck shut, but aware she may have to drink more to make it through the day. In response to Kristen's assertion that she controls Carole, Heather and Carole decide that they complement one another, which they do. Heather is an M&M, hard on the outside and soft in the center, and Carole is an Almond Joy, soft on the outside and hard at the core. I love these two and they need the buddy comedy spinoff that Ramonja is lobbying so hard for. Ramona and Sonja are thirsty for their own show, so I suggest if they want to be the Golden Girls that they retire and move to Florida. If we want you, we will call, Ladies. Meanwhile, Kristen tells her side of the story to Josh on the telephone and (surprise!) Josh sides with Heather. Kristen just can't catch a break. Meanwhile, Sonja and Ramona are talking (because they never stop) and Ramona wants to know what Sonja is wearing to the rodeo. Sonja is more worried about finding her vitamins, because she can't "poop" without them. Ramona reminds her that they will be back at 3:00. "That's too late," Sonja says, making me wonder what may happen to make that too late. Don't tax yourself Ms. Morgan, just find your "rodeo underwear" and you'll be good.
In a fun aside, we see a clip of the previous night, where all of the ladies are sitting by the campfire and a creature stirs in the woods. Adam and Brad round them all up and get them into the tent, and in busts a Grizzly Bear, with the most non-threatening greeting ever. It's no Grizzly...it is a Radzizilly Bear! In her talking head, Carole said that as soon as she heard they were going to Montana, she knew she had to prank them and then she found a bear suit on eBay. Best $600 she ever spent. This is one reason why I love Carole. Sonja is busy figuring out what underwear to pack for her mood (then not wearing them), and Carole is carrying luggage with a giant bear suit and a pink velvet hiking dress. That's who I'm headed to the woods with. Radzizilly Bear all the way! At the end of the scene, we hear Sonja say, "I peed." Is it irony that the one who needs pull-ups is the one who doesn't wear underwear?
The next day is the rodeo and the girls take two separate cars. In Heather's car, she aptly concludes that rappelling sent Kristen over the edge, literally. Heather also feels that Kristen is projecting because she is not in control of her own life. As viewers, we see how hard Kristen tries with Josh and in no way does she have any control. I agree that Kristen is projecting and I feel she is jealous because Heather is authoritative. When I watch Heather and Jonathan, I get the feels. When I watch Kristen and Josh, I get the sads. However, this whole ridiculous argument gives me the sads because, although she's been a wet blanket, Kristen is still one of the good ones, and I don't want to see the good ones fight. The only real highlight aside from that is seeing Carole and the Countess use porta-potties. They take it in stride and as Carole exits, she tells the man entering that this one smells like roses.
It is the last day (finally) of the (longest) trip (ever), and Kristen has arranged a special evening for everyone that involves a wagon ride to dinner by the river. When they are all getting on the wagon, Sonja teases Ramona about wearing "big" underwear, so Ramona decides she needs to show everyone her underwear waistband to prove they aren't big. The two go on about T&A and underwear and give me a headache. The best part is the nice lady driving the wagon, who very quietly looks on and I think two things. This nice lady wears HUGE underwear and she wants to pull an Old Yeller on Ramonja. If she does pull an Old Yeller, I will look away and never tell a soul. In fact, I am pretty sure that Carole really brought that bear suit in a effort to stage a mauling of the two of them. The Radzizilly Bear was great fun, but for one second I hoped against hope for a Radzizilly attack.
Once they arrive at dinner, the women meet the tallest cowboy on earth, who used to play professional basketball. He treats them to hatchet throwing and I am again forced to see Mrs. Singer with weaponry. This time she is throwing hatchets and she is acting scared, but it is everyone else that needs to be afraid. Of course Sporty Spice Heather is the natural, and all the women start having fun before they realize they have let it happen. In fact, Carole even flashes a squirrel, though this may be a calculated move to get back at Sonja. That facialist said you stole my man? I'm gonna show your squirrel what he's missing. Kristen has invited all of the hot guys who helped out throughout the trip and Sonja is in heaven, flirting with the two chefs. "Look at the way he throws that meat around," she says of one. Kristen is on point when she looks at the group and realizes that if she wanted to make everyone happy, she should have let them throw sharp objects from the beginning.
In a last bit of Western drama, Ramona calls out Kristen and Heather at dinner for not making up. The two take a walk. Heather whispers to Sonja before they go, "If she brings the ax, come after me." Once talking, Kristen apologizes in a way without being able to say "sorry." Heather is to be applauded for saying that they are good friends and she will take any bullet she has to for Kristen, but if Kristen is out of line, just come to her the next day and say sorry. To her credit, Heather hugs it out with Kristen and all is well. Kristen simply lost her mind and, though there was no geocaching involved, Heather helped her find it. Suddenly all is good in the West and we see a montage of happy moments (I got the feels again), letting us know that there was fun sprinkled lightly throughout the drinking and constant bitchcraft.
Next time, Kristen and Josh give me the sads, LuAnn refuses to sing live and I no longer get to type "Beaver Cabin." Thanks for reading. Until next week, I will be shaking off these feels and watching out for Radzizilly Bears.
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