Well here we are again in Missoula, Montana for what seems like a really LONG trip. We open with scenes cutting between the two cabins of ladies: the Antlers (Kristen, LuAnn and Heather) and the Beavers (Sonja, Ramona and Carole). Over at the Antlers cabin, Kristen and LuAnn are having morning coffee and dishing on the previous night's dinner, which, if you will recall, came complete with cattle in the background, impressing all of, well, no one.
At the Beavers cabin (and I'm going to try to leave that one alone except to say that, of course, Sonja is in the Beaver cabin) things are are a bit less tranquil. Carole is practicing her patience, Ramona is walking around with that damn curler in her bangs and Sonja is talking to the refrigerator and lamenting the fact that it is a girls' trip. Her house is Grand Central Station, she tells us, and the privacy would be great if she just had a man. Sonja is not impressed and wants to see the places that Will Smith and "Reid Weatherspoon" would visit...in Missoula. She also says a squirrel attempted to come into her room and she almost made out with it. Almost? Please! We know that she threw her panty hamster at that squirrel the second she saw it.
Sonja then asks the girls if they have seen Henry, the Ranch Hand. In what could be a spinoff or drinking game chronicling the hordes of younger men Sonja pounces on, we cringe watching Sonja throw herself at Henry. He is bringing in groceries and Sonja leans into the fridge by him, letting him know she isn't wearing underwear. Seriously! Henry looks like he can hold his own though, unlike the young boat driver episodes ago who looked like he wanted to hide. In Sonja's defense on this one, Henry is hotter than Ramona's beaver cabin with no air conditioning. Ramona and her curler (hereafter, her curler shall be Bernice) shouts, "Carole, that shinny bitch, turned off the air conditioning." Don't we all know by now that you do not take Ramona into nature and out of air conditioning?
The first part of the day entails fly fishing. Immediately, I feel protective of Matt, the cute younger guide who may soon be Ms. Morgan's next victim. They are on the Blackfoot River and it is beautiful. Ramona laments that the other girls look cute in their outfits and she looks like "sh_t." This is unfair to Bernice for all the work she has done. It is all very tranquil until the uber-competitive Heather falls completely into the water trying to catch the one that got away.
The evenings plans are not sitting well with Sonja and Ramona, who need to go out, scope out bartenders and be seen. Being put in nature gives you a glimpse of a person and these two are not ok with themselves at all. Kristen has gone to the trouble of having the ranch's chef come serve them a private dinner at the Antlers cabin. Ramonja is so upset by staying in that Kristen compromises by saying that she'll have the chef bring men. However, I don't think he did and, if so, they went unnoticed because the girls got their drink on and fought like you only can over a gourmet meal. Right off the bat, Ramona is calling Kristen a bad hostess for not having out a proper ice bucket. Yeah, I'm serious. "She has no service," Ramona whines, pointing out that breakfast dishes are still on the porch, attracting rats and bears as we speak. Tell it to Bernice, Ramona, because I am so over you.
Dinner quickly devolves into chaos when Sonja makes the mistake of bringing up the facialist who said that LuAnn likes to be "in churge," and dominates short, thick French men. This is going nowhere. Sonja says she cannot control what is said; LuAnn says she can control what happens in her own home. Sonja's argument is that she wanted to know what "the community" is saying about them. For example, said facialist calls Sonja FAO Schwarz because she has so many toys. LuAnn is incensed at the idea she would cheat on Jacques (cough, cough pirate). LuAnn shouts that Sonja is not a friend and storms out. She is correct. Heather points out to Sonja how awful she is to LuAnn and drunken Sonja somehow calls LuAnn a pig.
Ramona's Xanax and Valium combo seems to be mildly working because, instead of throwing crockery at dinner, she just decides to turn the discussion to Aviva. Side note: for the second time this season, Aviva has been removed from the credits for not attending an arduous cast trip). Ramona admits to Kristen that she doesn't believe Aviva--in a sense. She believes that Aviva's issue is that she's afraid to be without Reid and so she manifests physical ailments. Carole injerjects that Aviva has Munchausen Syndrome which, simply put, involves one faking medical conditions for attention. Ramona decides she needs to call Aviva to discuss this but, alas, it it too late to call. I hate that it is too late, because I'm sure that call would have gone so well...
The following morning, Sonja, Ramona and Heather get massages outside while looking off at the mountains and I am immensely jealous. Heather uses the time afterwards, over drinks, to get to the root of Sonja's treatment of LuAnn. Sonja claims "LuAnn has the perfect life," with a man, a house in the Hamptons and the ability to shop, etc. Clearly the issue is jealousy, and we are reminded of the massive troubles behind Sonja's carefree facade. She truly is like watching a Grey Gardens / Real Housewives mashup and it vascillates between entertaining and sad.
Back at the ranch, Kristen admits in her talking head interview to having issues with Heather's image as "Sporty Spice." Girl, we saw that mud run and, while I would have cried too, stick to being Posh Spice. But no, Kristen wants to be Sporty Spice too, so when the ladies break into two groups, one rapelling and one skeet shooting, Kristen chooses rapelling. Wow. Heather even questions why Kristen would do this, but Kristen seems she is on a mission to prove to Heather that she is just as badass as Heather. However, when Kristen decides to go down the rock wall first, she immediately becomes tense and bitchy and you know that if Josh were there, he'd get slapped. Kristen makes it down, crying before, during and after. Next, LuAnn is up and, like Kristen, she has never been rapelling before. However, LuAnnn dominates that rock wall like it is a short French man and she is in "churge"! As we all expect, Heather comes down last, "like Spiderman," as Kristen puts it.
The other three ladies are skeet shooting with instructor Brad the Sex Cowboy. Brad is hot and playing the sexy cowboy role to the hilt. All the ladies prove to be decent shots. The only highlight here aside from Brad is Ramona with a gun. She claims she was very uncomfortable with a weapon and I too am very uncomfortable seeing her with a weapon. Luckily, Brad will be the guide for the day's next activity, geocaching. For those like me who have never heard of geocaching, it is a real world "treasure" hunt using GPS devices and coordinates, often for trinkets of little value or sentimentl items for trading, and is a popular recreational activity. Before the geocaching can begin though, everyone has had a boozy lunch break.
After lunch, just as geocaching with Brad the Sex Cowboy is to begin, Heather is clearly drunk, and I like it. She's so over the activity before it even begins, as is Ramona, which is no shock. Since geocaching actually involves thought, Sonja isn't feeling it either. Carole and LuAnn stick with Kristen and Brad (I'd go geocaching for Brad) and get to geocaching, all determined, while Ramona, carrying a protective umbrella shouts that she's leaving and this is "BORING!" Heather and Sonja drunkenly stumble about, tossing sticks at Ramona. Brad proves that he's got brains and not just beauty when LuAnn calls Kristen Pocahontas because of the headband she has on. He corrects her that it would be more geographically apt to say Sacagawea. I melted a bit. And here is when Kristen makes her fatal mistake. She goes over to corral Heather, who is being all happy go lucky and drunk, and grabs her by the arm, calling her bossy. Uh-oh. Heather says, "I'm honest, Honey, not bossy," and then lets Kristen know that if she were bossy, she would round them all the eff up and leave instead of looking for this "treasure" that no one cares about but Kristen.
I've thought for a long time that Heather's spirit animal is the honey badger and we all know what the honey badger DOESN'T give. Heather is the kind of girl that, before you know you started a fight, she's taking off her earrings and rubbing vaseline on her knuckles. Back when she worked for Diddy, people used to take bets on her arm wrestling Farnsworth Bentlley--with his umbrella holding hand! Ok, I made up that last bit, but you get the point. Kristen, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you better grab the sharpest tool in the shed because you have started a fight you cannot finish.
Lastly, I believe that Kristen misread her audience for this trip. Frankly, I am somewhat convinced that when Aviva backed out, the fun was gone because the haters didn't get to watch a woman with one leg rock climb, hike, etc. No matter what you think of Aviva, this trip couldn't have been easy. Kristen keeps crying and she has two legs! Just a theory. Next week, we get a rodeo, LuAnn using a porta potty and Kristen v. Heather Round Two!
Thanks for reading! Until next week, Bernice and I are going to geocache our way to Brad. Wish us luck.
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