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Recap: RHOC Season 9 - Episode 5: I Couldn't Chair Less

by: Joshua Pramuk

This week we get some Lizzie vs Vicki, and some Heather that I personally love with her crazy antics. Let's get right in it! Shannon is taking Vicki to Dr. Moon for acupuncture. This is going to be a mess. Vicki tells Dr. Moon that she has no problem yelling, we all know that! Canada anyone? Holy ish Dr. Moon is a freak...  dejamming her by putting his finger in her butt. Why would anyone want to do that to Vicki? Vicki is screaming like a stuck Miss Piggy! Shannon is standing back watching, she is narrating and it's pretty fun. Yess! It's over I'm happy that we don't have to hear Vicki's shrieks anymore.

Heather is meeting with her event planner Nicole. She's planning a party for the ground breaking of the lot for her new home. Heather has so many ideas, GIRL! Slow the hell down! My head is spinning. I just want to give her a xanax she needs to slow the F down. Onion ring bar? Hell yes! I'm there. Heather says Nicole has great idea's honey, she has no Ideas and you have all of them! Don't play girl. Keep it real. Heather you think you and Tamra are on solid ground, don't hold your breath.

Vicki, Tamra and Shannon are getting their nails done and Tamra is so flipping the script on what happened at lunch between her and Heather. She is straight spinning the story. Saying bullshit like 'She just came at me with, you know what you and Vicki don't let me talk, you always interrupt me...' first off you bitches do, and now you're bringing in Shannon now ugh! Vicki has the nerve to say that Heather talks more than both her and Tamra, Puhleez bitch. You two never shut the fuck up. Heather is always herself with y'all. You just don't like someone who won't jump on the party train. Some advice act your age, not your shoe size. Tamra tells Vicki that Lizzie is a mix of Gretchen, and Alexis. GreLexis. Lizzie is Lizzie, and Tamra's mission was accomplished because she already has Vicki disliking Lizzie.

Lizzie is cooking for her husband Christian and her kids Preston and Kingston. They have a beautiful family, and I've got to tell you Lizzie and Christian are the opposite of Shannon and David. Instead of a burden, they are so much in love. Speaking of Shannon this bitch is fucking bonkers. She's like the halfway put together Sonja of the OC with different issues. Plus she's not always on the prowl. She's getting ready for Christmas, and she has twenty thousand dollars worth of Christmas decorations, and two Christmas trees. She's over the top, and actually loving this scene. Spoke too soon! Shannon's personal burden, David just walked in. Shannon starts in on him right away. You two need counseling, like yesterday!

Tamra's son Ryan works for Tamra, must be nice to be handed a job! Ryan that beard is not attractive on you. It's disgusting please shave. Tamra gave Ryan a supervisor position. Tamra wants Ryan to be Vicki Jr, he's obviously in love with his pot, or on the pot as Heather Dubrow would say. Ryan you can't just go through life stoned and expect everything to work out. Never mind you can because your mom would rather hand you shit then make you work for it! Tamra great parenting, oh wait really it's not. #SorryNotSorry

Vicki invites Shannon, and some other lady to fung shai her office. Vicki is really showing her ignorance, fung shai only for Asian people. Stuff like this makes me want to be able to tell Vicki how stupid she looks. This lady wants to put pictures of Vicki all in 'the positive area' Michael is looking at Shannon, and the lady like they batshit bananas. Shannon says she's gotten that look many times before. I'm sure you have honey, I'm sure you have.

Tamra, Heather, Lizzie, Shannon, Vicki, and Danielle are all going out to drink and eat. As soon as Shannon meets Lizzie she says Lizzie's thigh high boots are racy. Umm those boots are amazing! You could never pull them off Shannon, stop being jealous. Vicki can't get Lizzie different names. Quit acting like a high school mean girl Vicki, no one likes it. Lizzie's come back is awesome 'you can just call me Elizabeth, since you can't keep it straight.' Finally someone, besides Gretchen who isn't afraid of that crazy bitch. When Vicki finds out Lizzie was in pageants you can see the distain all on Vicki's face. Wait, just must be in her eyes because her face is straight plastic... never moves. Vicki, is coming for Lizzie, she never sent for you Vicki so please back it up. Heather wants to go through menopause. Shannon, took some hormone to get her period back. Now for real that's smart because really who wants to go through menopause? If I ever get hot-flashes and weight gain kill me, but I should be okay since I don't have a vag.

So it's time for dinner, Heather sits down in the middle, and Vicki wanted Shannon to sit by her. Vicki is on some other shit, I can't even deal with her. Shannon runs to the bathroom and Heather takes that bitches seat. It's pretty fucking funny. When Shannon comes back she basically is like 'Bitch I will kill you if you don't move back to your seat.' Well, that's how Heather sees it. I'm dying laughing at Heather. She says Shannon is scary angry. I mean Shannon may be a little bonkers, and might have serial killer tendencies, but it doesn't mean she is one. Tamra and Lizzie are asked about how close they live together. Then Tamra asks Shannon and Heather if they are going to be neighbors. Heather says they live in different sub-communities. Shannon cracks me up by saying 'she called me scary angry, and now she says we are not neighbors, WHEN CLEARLY WE ARE.'

Vicki orders shots of Tequila for all the girls, but Lizzie never gets one. Vicki also didn't offer Lizzie a lime. So Lizzie says basically 'it's so much extra effort to do that, to not order me a shot' so Vicki starts screeching about how she ordered six. Yes Lizzie, Vicki's voice is high pitched and straining. I agree ANNOYING!

Tamra and Lizzie go to the bathroom which gives Vicki time to talk about Lizzie. Heather makes sense, Lizzie was the only one who didn't get a shot, 'wouldn't you feel like really?  No?' Vicki says she wouldn't feel that way. I call bull shit Vicki would of yelled so loud, that Scheana could hear her at SUR. Tamra tries to explain to Lizzie that Vicki has a hard time warming up to people. Tamra you made sure Vicki wasn't going to like Lizzie, you are conniving. Ugh. Tamra says 'Vicki is Vicki.' Lizzie says 'Good for her. Glad I'm not Vicki.' When the girls come back Vicki wants to know what took so long. Heather lies to Lizzie, and says Vicki understood about the shot. Heather I know your playing pacemaker, but don't lie to smooth things over. If these bitches aren't going to like each other, they aren't going to like each other! So Tamra is trying to get to bottom of things and Vicki says Lizzie has been rude to her. You were being rude the whole time Vicki. Realize what you do please, you might have a better life then.

Heather brings the chair thing up again, REALLY? REALLY Heather. I do love that they switched seats, Lizzie said to do it! She's so much fun, and I think her and Heather are going to hit it off. Brooks is brought, and sweet Danielle is like when can we meet him. Tamra tells her, he's not a good man. Then they all cheers each one saying 'shut up Tamra!' Except Tamra of course. We get a preview of the season to come, and it looks like Tamra will finally get what she deserves. Why be so insecure, huh? Girl.

ICYMI watch the full episode of RHOC Season 9, Episode 5 HERE!

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The Real Housewives of Orange County airs Monday nights at 9/8c only on Bravo!

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