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Recap: RHOC Season 9 - Episode 1: Hawaii 5 Uh-Oh

by: Joshua Pramuk

It's finally time, the ladies of the OC are back!  This promises drama, new housewives, and rifts between old friends. Here comes the drama. The episode starts with all the drama from last season,  and they keep showing Gretchen.  I'm going to miss her so much. I know a lot of people can't stand her, but I will always be a Gretchen fan. So the new tag lines are kind of weak. Only Vicki and Lizzie's are cool. You want me to say a lot of nice things about Vicki..  Spoiler Alert! Heather and Terry are visiting an architect about their new house.  It's going to be HUGE. Heather gets her own beauty salon?? That's like freaking awesome, but the way she treats Terry sometimes puts me off. She offers him the salon then is all like, 'wahn wahn, wahn, you don't need a bigger closet. Honey if he's paying for the house shouldn't he get everything HE WANTS?

Cut fitness, just seeing Tamra makes my eyes roll. Eddie is teaching a class, okay we've all said it but he's got to be gay. Tamra says she's insecure, about her edge. Honey, you should be insecure because you have all that evil in your heart. Vicki, Oh Vicki..  got to say you fixed the weave this season. Its way better than that rat's nest you had last year. Vicki says that with her and Brooks, it’s like 'under construction that's me' Vicki you have always been, and will always be under construction.

Heather and Tamra are running trails.  Um okay.  These two start talking about Gretchen. Heather says they went to Terry's office for a facial. She also says she likes Gretchen and Slade. Tamra on the other hand called Gretchen 'a narcissistic,  compulsive liar.* gosh Tamra stop talking about yourself. Heather has been offered a roll on Hawaii 5-O. I'm just wondering if Shannon was also offered the same role? Oh it was Vicki? #MakesPerfectSense

I'm really happy that Heather is happy, so Heather ends up inviting Tamra to come to Hawaii for a girls weekend’. Tamra says ‘let's invite Vicki.’ I am visually watching Heather cringe as she says YAY. Heather feels she has a great relationship with Tamra (Who the hell knows why) and with Vicki (Same thing). Yet, she feels the odd man out when the three are together. That's because Vicki and Tamra only like what Vicki likes, and if you don't like that Heather, you'll end up saying goodbye by the time part 3 of the reunion wraps. Heather asks what's going on with Vicki and they come to the conclusion that she needs a kick in the ass, per Tamra because 'Vicki isn't fooling anyone, we know she is still with Brooks.' Vicki, he's toxic and he'll ruin your life, if your into that kind of thing.

Vicki is going to see Briana, and baby Troy, so freaking cute! Bombshell, Briana is pregnant again! Congrats girl. Vicki this is where you lose me. You say your relationship with your daughter is rock solid, but in the next breathe you say most of what Briana said at the reunion was lies? WTF? You need your brain like seriously examined. You should believe your daughter, no matter what. Fuck the guy, he's not worth losing sleep over. Everybody can say they say things they wish they could take back, I agree there Vicki. Briana is moving to Oklahoma and Vicki is really making me laugh 'Oklahoma is an invisible state. I've never been to Oklahoma, I don't know anyone from Oklahoma.  I don't even know where Oklahoma is.' Bet Blake Shelton loved those comments.

Heather and Robert who is Heather's builder go to Shannon's house, who is also a new housewife. Really? You expect me to believe these women never met? Shannon's house is amazing but this bitch is all kinds of out there. She had a DNA test on her own twins. I can't believe anyone would do that. OMG, Shannon is obsessed with being green. She doesn't even have wireless Wi-Fi.  How do you live without wireless Wi-Fi? Wackadoodle Shannon.

Time for Hawaii!! Vicki, I got to say that the white and black dress looks amazing on you. Tamra and Vicki want to get Fancy Pants wasted, well this should be fun... not! Terry seems to be doing awesome with the kids while Heather is working, kudos Dr. Dubrow!  Kudos! We are now being filled in on Shannon I'm sorry but right now, I can't. Her kids are cute, she seems to be a good mother and a good wife, but she's so controlling and obsessive. Now I find out this bitch believes cell phones gives brain tumors. NEXT #WheresLizzie

Heather, Tamra, and Vicki are having drinks and they set up a surfing class for the next day. Like Tamra told Heather, 'it could either suck balls, or be a lotta fun.' Time for surfing class! Since Heather is afraid to go surfing Tamra, the meddling crackpot she is, talks the surf instructor into getting Fancy Pants to go in. Heather straight up asks the instructor if he is on the pot! I'M DEAD! Anyways, the guy talks Heather into surfing. Heather is the first one up on the board and Vicki is pissed. Vicki, honey it's not Heather's fault that your brain is much delayed in telling your body what to do. Tamra is up second. I really wanted to see the board hit her in her smug face. Sorry Tamra!

Vicki gets a cut on her leg, and first reaction 'I'm gonna be EATEN by a shark' Melodrama. The next day in Hawaii, iIt's hilarious because Vicki is driving and Heather will not shut up about everything Vicki is doing wrong, and literally I don't know why Vicki got to drive anyway. It's atrocious. Then Vicki, wants to call a tree an STD, and this bitch believes she's right. Ughhh killing me, she just has to be right.

Tamra, and Heather want to ask Vicki about Brooks, but I don't see it happening. Not today anyway. I have to say these lucky bitches in Hawaii. Now they are Googling red wine, Heather I'm sorry but red wine should be drank at room temp. Tamra is right.  They ask Vicki about Brooks, but of course it'll be next week before we get an answer.

ICYMI - watch the RHOC Season 9 premiere episode HERE!

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The Real Housewives of Orange County airs Monday nights at 9/8c only on Bravo!

Photo Credit: Bravo