Hello Readers, welcome to iRealHousewives. For the month of
October in the spirit of Halloween, I’ve been posting parody interviews with
some of the most hilarious Twitter parodies of the Real Housewives franchise.
Please note these interviews are not meant to offend anyone, this is just for
entertainment purposes only. Beware some of the questions or answers might be
either, harsh, direct but it’s all for fun. It’s not intended to disrespect or
offend anyone.
So we have reached to our final parody for the month of October. This past month I’ve interviewed Jody Klaman, Caroline Wacko, Christina Ciesel, The Manzo’s Checkbook and Faux Mama Elsa and we are ending this month with the fabulous and hilarious Alexass Bullino. If you don’t know Alexass Bullino, she has been one of the most hilarious parody accounts that Twitter has ever encountered. Alexass Bullino choose iRealHousewives… well actually Jesus Jim allowed her too but the point is she is finally speaking after being out for a while in silence and is here to preach us her story. Jim Blessed her and he blesses all. Enjoy this interview everyone and Happy Halloween!! #PraiseBe!!
iRH: Hello Alexass, Thank you for taking time out of your
busy schedule for this interview. How are you sweetie?
AB: Hi! I'm great thank you love, busy but great, you?
iRH: I'm great. Thanks for asking.
AB: Of courses! What kind of Christian woman would I be if I
didn't pretend to care how others are?
iRH: So the biggest question that everyone wants’ to know.
Are you returning to season 8 of RHOC?
AB: Ummm maybe, maybe not. Well I just decided I was worth
more at first. Like a lot more but like the producers I guess they like want
less like classy women like I, someone a little less edumacated and smart like
I am but I doubt they could find anyone more holier than I so we're in talks.
That's all I can say because that's all Jesus Jim will allow me to.
iRH: Are you going to miss your cast members?
AB: Who would miss getting gangbanged week after week on TV?
Not I!
iRH: This past season was rough for you, how would you
describe your experience for Season 7?
AB: Brutal. I don’t know what I did wrong but all the ladies
apart from Vicki had it out for me. You'd think I talked about myself all the
time or made myself out to be something I'm not but I'd never do that. I never
talk about myself all the time, I was even saying to someone today I never do
that, I mean you're talking to me right now, I'm not talking about myself am I?
I'll even give you Dr Booty's number to call! The other ladies just want to be
me so badly; they don’t have a hot husband to talk down to them like mine does.
Shame on them!
iRH: Who do you think is jealous of you the most?
AB: Umm maybe Heather? I mean I have cubic zirconia
diamonds, where are hers???? She may have a parking garage but what good is
that when a thief wants to steal your ring? Honestly!
iRH: Do you think you and Gretchen will ever be friends
again? Do you miss her?
AB: Problemably never again. Once someone prints the truth
and throws it in my face, well pulls it out from the couch, that's it for me. I
mean how dare her! Jesus Jim was up all night writing those e-mails for me, he
even goggled 'gangbanging' for research. My poor baby his fingers were bleeding
from all that paper, it took all morning to make him believe it wasn't
stigmata! Gretchen will never be on board my private jet, that's the way it is.
We only have room for people that love and support Jesus Jim and I. It's a four
seater.
iRH: Why do you call your husband Jesus Jim?
AB: Because he is Godly, why wouldn't I?! I bow down and
pray on my knees to that man everyday, I kiss his toes, brush his teeth, I eat,
sleep and sneeze Jesus Jim. I'm no one without Jesus Jim inside of me.
iRH: A lot of your co stars are not the biggest fans of your
husband or should I say god? Does it bother that they constantly talk about you
two?
AB: They can talk about us all day long to be honest and
they do. Doesn't bother me but how dare they bring out examples of things we've
done; the only evidence I need in life is the bible! Friends should just nod
their heads and agree with everything you say..not disagree with you. That's
not a friend. That's a Judas Escarrot.
iRH: Are you still working on your fashion line?
AB: Of course! When we're not enjoying one of our fleet of
private jets or hire cars I am working a lot on Alexass Coochture and Alexass
By Towel Shed. They're doing really great, I sold two dresses this past month,
you can't buy that kind of promotion that comes with being the star of a
popular TV show!
iRH: Can you give us an insight on what kind of new dresses
are you working on?
AB: Well I can't say too much but let's just say I have this
great idea that is comfortable yet casual and Christianly at the same time!
It's a crotchless swimsuit, it's cute and modest yet puts you on display just
as the good lord intended...with no itchy leafs anywhere in sight! I think I'm
headed more towards that sort of thing than ballgowns and dresses. It's a lot
cheaper.
iRH: That's Great. What was the reason behind inspiration of
the designs?
AB: I guess I'd always see dresses in stores but they were
never short enough or trashy enough for my liking so I'd get them adjusted and I
figured 'hey! maybe I should make my own, there's gotta be other classy women
out there that would buy it' and I was right. A lot of clothes these days just
don't display enough hymen. Shocking.
iRH: Any idea on when will the next line be available?
AB: It all depends. I may need a new Towel Shed because the
current one is getting a little entitled. Maybe I'll ask Octomom if she can sew
because I hear she needs a job and no one would even notice if I switched them.
I mean honestly, I'm the STAR of this dress line, not Towel Shed, people buy
the dresses because of I, not because of how they look.
iRH: How would you describe your cast members?
AB: Vicki is a good friend. It wasn't easy at first but once
she realized she just had to shut up and agree with me because no one else was
on her side she grew to look up to me. Gretchen wants everything I have. She
wants Jim, my successful Fox 5 career, my clothing line. She even copied me and
started wearing hats after I did. Speaking of hats you know Andy never did feel
her hair extensions when I asked him too. Shame on him!
Heather never liked me from day one. She saw the luxury
trailer home I was living in and was seething with jealousy. Then she saw my
hunk of a husband and wanted to rip my classy extensions out. Sara was good
support to me and still is. She often takes the girls out to Hooters and
teaches them how to table dance with style, what more could you want? I just
don't let her near the kid’s birthday cakes. Tamra hmm...how dare she call me
'Jesus Jugs', I'll have her know these jugs belong to Jesus Jim! Well he paid for
them! Again, she wants what I have, who wouldn't want to wake up under Jim
every morning with his drool running down their face? It's heaven.
Who's left?
Peggy? Oh obsessed. You know she still stands outside our house watching Jim,
hiding photos of her all over the house, so gross. She just can't move on. That
girl needs a xanax.
iRH: How do you maintain a healthy marriage to Jesus Jim?
AB: I do everything he says. To quote the good man himself:
Jim Chapter 1, Verse 1: "A man whom has to do something for himself is a
man who has not programmed his wife correctly" AMEN! He's planning on
releasing his scripture book "Fifty Hymns Of Jim" next year. Maybe
there'll even be a movie! Could you imagine?!
iRH: What has been the best advice that Jesus Jim has given
you?
AB: Well to quote the Good Lord Jesus Jim himself again it
would be "Do whatever you can to impress others, their jealousy is all you
need in life" and I live by that daily!
iRH: Question: Where is Costa Rica
AB: Oh gosh! I got so much heat for that comment! It's in Germany
iRH: Alexass, speaking of Costa Rica
AB: I think the hardest thing was for Jim to see those
scenes. He always said if I was being gangbanged by a group of people that he'd
want the cameras rolling though, I just think he was confused by what the word
meant. I just wanted to go home after that 'intervention' or whatever they
called it. Why sit there and be insulted when I could be insulting store
employees in the OC?
iRH: Do you pray for the girls?
AB: Of course I do, I pray for everyone. I can print out my
prayers and show you if you don't believe me!
iRH: Would you ever release an all tell book about Jesus Barbie
and Jesus Jim?
AB: Good question! I toyed with releasing a book before but
Jim forbid me. He said women shouldn't be allowed to write books which is fine
with me. Maybe I could release a song, I asked Heather to help me write a song
'Cubic Zirconia Is A Girls Best Friend' but she never responded. She's too flirty
toity for me. I don't have a great singing voice but that hasn't stopped anyone
else from releasing songs.
iRH: What can you comment on the whole Brooks and Vicki and
Tamra drama?
AB: I feel bad for Vicki. Brooks seems like a nice,
reasonable guy to me, I should know, look at Jim, I know a good man when I seed
one! Tamra says she’s looking out for Vicki but I don't see that. If she was
she'd want Vicki to be happy. If Brooks makes her happy then good for them.
Vicki's liked me since she's been with Brooks so it's a win for me!
iRH: Do you stay in touch with Lynne or Jeanna?
AB: Not really. I see them around and maybe say Hi but
that's it. I was at an Aerosmith concert with Jim recently and thought I saw
Lynne but it was just Steven Tyler. OOPS.
iRH: Any advice you can give to my readers about having
confidence?
AB: Sure! I look in the mirror daily and love what I see. If you don't then there's just one thing I can say...fix it! If I cant be plastic than I don't want to be at all! My boobies, my nose, I've had everything broken, tucked and chopped so many times until they're perfect, I mean look at me, flawless right?
It's all surgery...and a good balanced diet. I don't eat after 1pm and the
majority of my calorie intake is from cocktails, it works for me, it could work
for you too! Oh of course, just look at me! I like things done the way I like
it, when I want something I want it right then and there. If a Nordstrom
employee or a cameraman thinks they're getting in my way then they have aniother
thing coming!
iRH: What are your thoughts on the Sara Cake Bate drama?
AB: I think she was definitely wrong to eat that bow off the
cake but like it wasn't that big of a deal. Like Heather just totally blew it
out of proportion, I mean it's not like she licked the cake or you know kissed
like Terry or something. It was only a cake, it may not be something I would
have done, but Sarah has a sugar problem, sometimes a Jolly Rancher just won't
do.
iRH: Tell our readers why should they follow you on Twitter?
AB: Because I'm the real Alexass, what you see is what you
get with me. I haven't been able to tweet much lately due to other commitments
shaving Jim's feet but I always appreciate all the love I get on there, my fans
are the best! Praise be!
iRH: What makes Alexass Bullino Happy?
AB: My faith in the Lord Jesus Jim that everything will be
okay. That's why he bought boob jobs for the both of us - we'll never drown
with these silicon floatation devices! Hallelujahhugetits!!
iRH: Anything you would like to add to this interview?
AB: Just that you haven't seen the last of Alexass! I'm sure
TV stations will be falling at Jesus Jim and I's feet to have our own show soon
enough! I'm so blessed that way! I also want to thank everyone for there
support of me, I was very unsure of joining Twitter but your love and hate has
really made it worth it! Please check out Alexass Coochture and Alexass By
Towel Shed and follow me on Twitter @AlexassBullino if you aren't
already...don't be a heathen!
Disclaimer: Alexass Bullino is a parody account for
entertainment purposes only. You can follow Alexass Bullino on Twitter at @AlexassBullino, you can also
follow the real Alexis Bellino on Twitter @AlexisBellino.
Photo Credit: @Alexass Bullino
