Hello Readers, welcome to
iRealHousewives. For the month of October in the spirit of Halloween, I’ve been
posting parody interviews with some of the most hilarious Twitter parodies of
the Real Housewives franchise. Please note these interviews are not meant to
offend anyone, this is just for entertainment purposes only. Beware some of the
questions or answers might be either, harsh, direct but it’s all for fun. It’s
not intended to disrespect or offend anyone.
iRH: Hola Elsa. Como
FME: Hello, hola. I feel gooood.
iRH: Can I call you Mama Elsa or just
Elsa?
FME: Ay dios mio, only my paper flowers
can call me Mama Elsa. You are one of them on Twister. I approve.
iRH: How’s your day going so far?
FME: My spirit has been traveling over
Nueva York today protecting all my paper flowers' belongings from the
shoplifter Whorga. They have left their homes unprotected because of Sandy
iRH: You are quite a character. You are
definitely a fan favorite. How does it feel to be loved by everyone in America
FME: Ay dios mio, I can wear a Pucci
dress and a cock (feathers) on my head like no other. I think the
"ladies" who call me names are intimidated by my excessive beauty.
D.Versace has become so obsessed she is trying to steal my face. I love my
paper flowers who support me. They bloom in my Twister garden.
iRH: Would you consider yourself a
Victorian lady?
FME: I am an elegant Victorian lady. I am
a weesh and an avocado. I am a mother to Marpy and Napoleon. I am a Coffee
empresaria. I am a star. "Alright, Dandy Sandy, I am ready for my
closeup." Paper flower, I see you are gasping with elation. Please don't
get ramotional.
iRH: Andy Cohen has mentioned how much he
loves you. Do you still think he is still incapable of finding true love?
FME: Sandy Sandy
iRH: Which RHOM housewife do you think is
incapable of love?
FME: Ay dios mio. I think Freda only
loves her pelotas.
iRH: Which Real Housewife from any city
do you think is incapable of love?
FME: Ay dios mio, Melissa, the stripper
Whorga, is only capable of loving filthy red rags and cameras. She cheats on
her Napoleon with them and she will steal your glitter eyeshadow. I have asked
Dandy for police protection. I am afraid.
iRH: Do you say you prefer Season 1 or
Season 2 of RHOM?
FME: Ay dios mio, was there a Season 1? I
fell asleep watching it. That is all.
iRH: Do you stay in contact with Cristy
or Larsa?
FME: WHO? I don't know them. I don't
care. They sound like the stripper Whorga's co-workers from her
"bartending" days.
iRH: How do you feel about the new wives
of RHOM Season 2?
FME: Marpy is a PR maven and a goddess with a fantastic
Pucci chic weesh for a mother. I want feisty Adrianita to be my bodyguard. I
like Lea but she needs to stop dressing like she's on the show Dallas
Joanna is a beautiful supermodelo. She needs to learn more
about leather and loan me her Romain Noodles. I am a hungry Cougar Mama.
Marta"Krupa Gone Wild" needs to become the spokesperson for Kleenex.
(crying nonstop) According to my Marpy, Karentsita is a carrier pigeon. I plead
the 5th. I like the cook. I think Anna should have a Chef cooking show on an
adult TV channel. Alexia has been through a lot. My heart goes out to her.
iRH: Are you still babysitting Napoleon?
FME: Napo
is asleep in the closet. He is in the middle of a midlife crisis so we
increased his Xanax dosage and bought him a red glitter collar for puppies. I
will reveal no more. He did not choose this cruel dog eat dog world.
Woof.
iRH: Is he still hiding in the closet and
eating your xanax pills?
FME: Paper flower, are you not listening
to my answers? I feel like I am sitting in the passenger seat of a limo and
everyone is ignoring me. Hello? Hello? Hello?
iRH: This season we saw you dancing and
dropping it like it’s hot with Adriana. Where did you learn to move that way?
FME: Ay dios mio, I learned to waltz in
the late 1800's (Victorian). My Guayaba milkshake brings all the boys to the
yard. I have moves that would make the stripper Whorga blush.
iRH: What inspired you to create your
coffee brand “Havana Elsa”?
FME: Energy rocks and Pucci dresses are
not cheap. I am Cuban and I know good coffee. It's on, Estrellabucks!
iRH: Is this interview too much for you?
We can take a break and have Mimi sing for you so you can relax!
FME: Ay dios mio, I can lie down when I
am dead. Let me enjoy myself. I will destroy you with my Hermes pocketbook and
matching wallet! Que?! Mimi?! Sing........that's better. Please, resume, paper
flower.
iRH: Why do you use crystals and rocks
and sand for meditation?
FME: Paper flower, are you trying to
steal my Pucci essence? I will NOT reveal the secrets that are hidden in the
cock (feathers) on my head! I will give you a cleansing when we are done with
this interview. Mimi?! Porfavor! Bring the Goya rice.
iRH: Do you still consider yourself a
witch?
FME: QUE? I am not a witch. I am a
weeesh. Proceed.
iRH: Would you say you’re the reason that
RHOM got a second season?
FME: Ay dios mio! I am the show. I stole Sandy
iRH: What are you feeling about Elaine
Lancaster?
FME: THAT FILTHY RED RAG LOVING QUEEN?!!!
I will hit her with my vintage Fendi tote! I like her and think James is hot. I
approve.
iRH: Were you offended that she couldn’t
understand you?
FME: QUE?!
iRH: What do you predict between Marysol
vs Elaine and Lea?
FME: Marpy's PR firm will take over the
world and she will replace all the filthy red rags with concrete. Elaine will
go back inside a Jackie Collins novel and reemerge out of a Self Help book as a
new woman. Lea will move in with Freda and become a pelotas hairstylist.
iRH: Out of all the housewives in all
cities, which Housewife would you not want to associate yourself with and which
housewife would you want to associate yourself with?
FME: I would not want to associate myself
with the shoplifter Whorga. I love Phaedrita Parks. She can lawyer protect me
from the Whorga and I too love a good pickle. Apollito, call me maybe.
iRH: Does it ever bother you that people
question your plastic surgeries?
FME: QUE? Are you saying my ears look
like bananas? I am a natural beauty where it counts the most-inside. You must
admit, paper flower, I am strikingly beautiful that way.
iRH: So the question that everybody wants
to know. You still think everything you drink you feel good?
FME: Ask Ramonja. I love Ramona Pinot
(Ramotional, I want my year supply of energy rocks like you promised) It is the
best wine in the world and Ramona Singer did not pay me to say that. Every day
is turtle time and I feel gooood.
iRH: Can you throw rice at me so it can
bring me positive energy?
FME: Stand still, paper flower. I will
cover you with a pound of Goya juju fighting rice and spray you with P Diddy
cologne.
iRH: You know iRealHousewives is a big
supporter of Mama Elsa. Can you tell us anything that we might not know about
you?
FME: An elegant Victorian lady can never
reveal all her secrets. The cock on my head is real! Now my supermodelo will be
angry. I don't care. Thank you for your support, my beautiful paper flower.
iRH: What’s next for Mama Elsa?
FME: I will open a Havana Elsa coffee VIP
lounge/bar with Romain Noodles in the heart of Sobe. We will turn it into a
chain that will force Estrellabucks to shut down forever!
iRH: If you had an intro line for RHOM
what would it be?
FME: Intro- “I may be a Victorian lady
but I can wear a Pucci and a cock in my hair like no other. I will hit you with
my pocketbook. I don't care”
iRH: Can you tell us why should people
follow you on Twitter?
FME: Who is Twitter? I don't know her. I
don't care. Everyone should follow me on Twister at @FauxMamaElsa
iRH: I just want to say muchas gracias
mama Elsa for allowing me the opportunity of interviewing you in such a short
notice, I predict many success in your future.
FME: Gracias to you, my lovely avocado. I
appreciate the interview and the support. I foresee you will keep gaining in
popularity in your blog and become even more successful.
Disclaimer: Faux Mama Elsa is a parody
account for entertainment purposes only. You can follow Faux Mama Elsa on
Twitter at @FauxMamaElsa, you
can also follow the real Mama Elsa on Twitter @ElsaPatton. This parody is
dedicated to the fabulous Mama Elsa Patton!!
Photo Credit: @FauxMamaElsa
