Thursday, August 30, 2018

RHONY Recap: Reunion, Part 2 [Episode 21]

by: Sam Allan from Good Tea
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author (Good Tea), and they do not reflect in any way those of iRealHousewives.com.

I know the Bethenny supporters haven't been happy with my recaps the last view weeks so I'll try and have a more bipartisan approach this time around but in the iconic words of Tamra Judge: THAT'S MY OPINIONNN! If I didn't have an opinion or insert some humour into this recap it would be blander than Adam's sexy salads. And I'd like to clear something up: I've never said I want Bethenny to leave the show. Who she is as a person may annoy me but she is great TV and the show definitely needs her. No one is denying that.

I enjoyed this season and I enjoyed this reunion but how many times can we talk about the same thing without resolution? We pick up with the group still discussing Dorinda's drinking problem. I've said my opinion on this issue too many times this season and I'm struggling to care. Although she claims to have tried to change her habits through therapy twice a month and talking to her mom, Dorinda still doesn't think there's an issue.

The textbook rule of alcoholism (or just life in general) is that you can't help someone unless they want to help themselves first. No, I'm not calling Dorinda an alcoholic but there's an aggression attached to her consumption of alcohol but Bethenny and her nasal voice yelling about it from the other couch or Luann's fresh of rehab mouth trying to say she has an issue isn't going to help matters. Apart from not owning her drinking at all, Dorinda also lacked self-awareness by claiming she wasn't drunk in Colombia and her "JOVANI" rant was out of pride and not drunk venom. Really Dorinda? You can act like a cunt but just own it and it will be okay because even Helen Keller could see that Dorinda and her slurring ways were coming out to play.

For some reason, we also had to discuss Tinsley in this episode. When we have real issues amongst the group it feels silly to focus on Mugshot Mortimer crying about eggs in a wedding dress but her flashback package almost provided comedic relief in a reunion that was deeper and darker than Oprah's vagina. I know I used that line last week but you can never talk about an icon's pussy too much, even Oprah's. Watching the episodes in real time, Tinsley's scenes made me want to cut off my ears Van Gough style to escape the screeching coming from the scenes, but I now I get Little Miss Mugshot.

She's never going to play the power role which Bethenny, Luann or even Dorinda play but she's just a nice cushion which you use to enhance your living room. She's not the couch, not the armchair and not even the throw rug, but she's a shiny pillow which you wouldn't really notice if it wasn't there but it's good to have anyway. I feel like we've only kept her around this long because of her mom Dale, which I'm not opposed to, but give her an apple instead and call it a day.

In many ways, this reunion left like a bad handjob, nobody is going to cum and all parties just have to awkwardly leave when it's over without feeling satisfied or like they've accomplished anything. From Dorinda's drinking to Luann's absence and Bethenny & Carole's beef, they can go back and forth as many times as they want but there isn't going to be a resolution, like a bad handjob because the guy is going to wait for it to be over and the girl's wrist is just going to get sore. Even though Luann was painting her toenails in a Palm Beach rehab while this scene was taking place, the group still had to discuss her rise and fall from infamy.

For some reason, Lu decided to appoint Bethenny as her spokesperson which is a weird choice given the fact that two years ago the Skinnygirl was calling her a cockroach and Lie-Ann but who else was going to speak on her behalf? Sonja? I love Lady Morgan and she needed more airtime than she got this week but she can barely defend herself without waffling on about her divorce, Gstaad, the townhouse and San Trope. Bethenny revealed she was close with Lu after she got in her touch with Dennis for her legal case (RIP) and went to rehab after her kids sued her. 

The whole group knew she started drinking again, before the lawsuit but that's because I don't think Luann ever believed she had a problem. She went to rehab after her arrest to stay out of rehab which was a good PR move and didn't drink through filming but I think she thought she could drink in moderation and be normal, so hopefully now she realises she has an actual Kim Richards style problem. Okay not that bad but she still has a situation with her family stealing her house or vice versa.

They also talked about her inflated ego following the arrest, rehab and cabaret show because she's never been more famous than when her mugshot was plastered across every gossip blog and her cabaret show starting selling like breast implants at a plastic surgeons office on the Upper East Side. Luann thought she was the shit, which we can tell through her social media so maybe her visiting rehab for the second time in seven months will humble her. Maybe. But if it doesn't Lu is one of those Housewives who could probably run over my dog or embezzle millions from me and I'd still be infatuated with her Drag Queen voice and statement necklaces. 

The final bad handjob of the night was Bethenny and Carole's beef. Oy vey. That's Yiddish for this situation. I'm still no closer to finding out the root of their issue but after Carole spent the summer with her friend Cassandra in LA they barely saw each other. So maybe Cassandra is the reason for this beef? This fight is the definition of making a mountain out of a molehill, they started out of gear after summer, gave each other a few weird gestures and then just unloaded every bad thing they've ever thought about the other person.

From being a viewer both girls bashed each other on and off the show but Bethenny is just better at being a bitch and is more experienced at the Housewives game. This was one of the most frustrating fights because neither one owned their part in being mean to the other and just blamed each other for doing the same thing they had done. Both of these ladies to attend Lisa Rinna's "Own It Baby 101" class at the Housewives night school. 

They both tried to get out their receipts and readers to prove the other one is wrong. Bethenny is so fast and quick that Carole's shaky voice couldn't even finish its sentence and give her an example of what she had done without her shutting her down and gaslighting her. For most of the season I've been morally #TeamCarole because I believed she was more in the right but now I'm just #TeamSonjasVagina, which was 18 seconds from popping out in that short mini dress. This fight is dumb, I'm over it and the only person I support IS Sonja's cooch.

And why did Bethenny need to take so many steamy shits on Ramona in her messages with Carole? Skinnygirl says Ramona is terrible to her but Bethenny talks shit about her when in her text exchanges even with their mutual frenemies. After they both struggled to own their bitchy confessionals and blogs, Andy stepped in and said they both bashed each other and Carole responded by saying he was full of shit and scared of Bethenny.


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