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RHOC Recap: Orange County Hold 'Em [Episode 5]

by: Sam Allan from Good Tea
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author (Good Tea), and they do not reflect in any way those of

I am so here for the Kelly and Shannon alliance. The days of throwing plates and calling each other the c-word is over and the days of getting drunk in LA are here. I don’t like to play the blame game but both ladies marriages were circling the drain since they joined the show and the stress and toxicity which they went home to every night definitely forced them to attack each other, when they should have set their aim for their douchebag husbands, especially since David bought Shannon an exercise bike as a fuck you birthday present AND THEN took the bike when he moved out. I hope the bike is hurting his new girlfriend's vagina. 

You aren’t officially a Real Housewife until you’ve gotten your first divorce on camera, it makes you vulnerable and gives you a built-in storyline of Ramona New Beginnings. Who doesn't love an evolution? While it’s fun to be gals about town, drinking and flirting with men it’s more obvious than Vicki’s recent facelift that both Shannon and Kelly are lonely.

As the newly single Housewives were whooping it up in LA, no not with Gina's husband, Tamra was scrolling through Instagram with a broken leg and got FOMO about missing out on finally having fun with Shannon after she was the one who had to hear her cry on the phone for months on end. I'm definitely #TeamTamra in this situation, Shannon has a tendency to be selfish and when Victoria "Casserole" Gunvalson is reaching out to Tamra about Eddie's heart before she is, you know there's a problem. Although Tamra and her scooter are basically the OC's answer to an encyclopedia on a shitty divorce, it's not fair that she has to deal with crying, emotional Shannon while Kelly gets the whoop it up version. However, Tamra and her Naked Wasted ways can't tell anyone not to drink because that is definitely her boot calling the kettle black.

Emily hosted her first event of the season and invited all the ladies over for a poker night. Is this a real thing women do or is it a reality TV thing that women do because at every poker night in Housewives History the women tend to get bored and just start fighting instead. In addition to all the ladies, Emily's Persian mother-in-law Pary, the budget Mama Elsa, joined them and she definitely should be holding an orange. She's quick, shady and has the face of an experienced Housewives veteran but Bravo probably has PTSD about hiring anyone with an accent after the snoozefest that was Peggy Sulahian and her birds' nest of a haircut. If there is a themed event or just an ordinary event, Shannon Beador never fails to dress up. For poker, Shannon wore a bright green suit with cards on it which was totally on brand for Mrs Storms-Beador but I'm pretty sure the only other people who own that suit in the world are old men who play golf and lesbians. 

 Vicki was late to the event and it's clear she is really done. She's distant, she's disconnected and is obviously suffering from Vanderpump-Giudice fatigue, which is a chronic illness where long-standing Housewives stop delivering because they know their check and spot on the show will be secured forever no matter what. The only thing Vicki did this episode was trying to ask her son invasive questions for the camera and continue not to own her cunty behaviour (once again). 

 While Kelly was talking about the spine doctor from the last episode's old dick, naturally Michael's name was brought up which of course led to Vicki setting him up on a date. Once the issue with Vicki was buried, Kelly should have had a funeral for it and let it be but Budget Mama Elsa did ask if Michael was single and Kelly just answered her question. The whole table agreed what Vicki did was wrong, especially Shannon who would probably throw a plate at Vicki's latest face if she found out she had set up David with another woman. 

 Kelly's still mad at Vicki and I don't blame her. Just because Vicki gave her a shitty Gunvalson apology doesn't mean Kelly just forgets how her "friend" fucked her over and the trust is still broken. Instead of just giving a sincere apology and owning her behaviour, Vicki called Kelly crazy, defended herself, gaslite the fuck out of her AND we found out she had Michael over for Thanksgiving dinner. What the actual fuck? Are they really that close? Did she not see how much of an asshole he was to her friend on television? 

Along with Vanderpump-Giudice fatigue Vicki also has Jeana-Keough-Disease (no, not Mad Cow) it's when you take the asshole husband's side instead of your friend's after a divorce. Just ask Tamra's wine glass. If the last 13 years of this show have thought me anything it's that Vicki Gunvalson doesn't know how to be a good friend. She talks shit behind people's backs, has her thirsty friends leak stories about people behind the scenes, never believes she does anything wrong and yells whenever the other party call her out on any of her shitty behaviours. Kelly should have learnt that lesson when Vicki left her for dead in Ireland but I guess she needed a couple more seasons to figure it out. Vicki finally "apologised" again, so for the sake of reality TV Kelly is going to drop the issue but that doesn't mean she's going to trust her again. 

Finally, after the Kelly-Vicki divide was put to bed the ladies started playing poker which caused Gina to get drunk, loud and squeak like someone had stepped on a cat. While her squeaks were a little annoying and the thirty-three-year-old was throwing geriatric shade at the other ladies botox, she wasn't that bad. I'm confused why Gina gets an edit like she is so outspoken and loud because she's from New York when Vicki, Tamra, Shannon and Kelly are all opinionated bitches and Bravo has a plethora of footage they could use of these girls being a whole lot louder than Gina was that night. Do I need to say: Family Van, the Ireland Bus or The Quiet Woman to jog anyone's memory? Maybe they don't like her accent, I don't know, but I cannot wait for her to make a joke about Shannon's little lippy Beador.

The Real Housewives of Orange County airs Monday nights at 9pm/8c on Bravo! For International TV Listings, click here!

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Photo Credit: Bravo