So this week we are going to Cabo for 'princess' Stassi's birthday. We are in for a whole lot of me, me, me and the apparently even some more me via Stassi. So the episode starts with Kristina and Stassi going bathing suit shopping. Stassi is already bragging about how it's her birthday. Stassi says she never invited Jax to her birthday so she's just going to have to go with it because she doesn't want a repeat of last year. Girl, if there is partying involved, this crew that is going you know there is going to be drama! Kristina walks out in this hot pink bathing suit that is so not right for her skin tone. Stassi says she wants to kill herself because Kristina is so skinny. Sorry, but Kristina looks like she is on crack Stassi! You look better than she does any day of the week. Her butt is flat not perfect. Kristina is so extra.
Everyone is arriving at the air port. Stassi is talking ish about Scheana and Shay coming. Ummm why did you invite them? Makes no sense, of course Kristen and Katie don't want Scheana to come, no surprise there. The boys pull up. Jax, Peter, Tom Schwartz, and Tom Sandavol. Katie doesn't deserve Schwartz that is all I'm saying. Jax, says he packed an economy pack of condoms. Please no Jax your sex life is none of my concern really. Scheana and Shay are pulling up! Yay!
Scheana says she had thoughts of not going but hey she already has the room booked, and don't front Scheana we know you wanna be there for Stassi. Stassi says she wants there not to be fighting. Ummm okay! She thinks it's going to be Jax this year he is not who I’m worried about. They have arrived. As soon as they get off the plane they take shots. Stassi, Kristina, Kristen, and Katie are just ignoring Scheana. Scheana says 'If you exclude me, I'm going to be a bitch.' Point blank. Two vans arrive to pick everyone up, they say guys in one, and girls in the other. Scheana says she is riding with the guys because catty bitches are not her style. The girls are obviously not liking the idea. As Scheana gets in the van she says 'I'd rather be gang-banged by all five of you (guys), than ride in a van with them.' Now I know this is a joke, but it's not going to sound cute when the girls hear about it. Welcome to Cabo!
Scheana is spot on about all the girls talking trash in the other van, and of course Jax's commentary is just as catty as the girls. I mean really Jax? Be a man and let bullshit statements just roll of your back, because it's obvious that you’re no saint. Stassi is all like it's my birthday, who does she think she is? Maybe Stassi, just maybe she wanted to ride with her boyfriend? At the hotel they have arrived, as soon as they walk in there is guy giving out margaritas. Katie says how she wants to take the margarita guy home as a souvenir. You don't need anyone to serve you drinks honey, I'm just saying liquor is obviously not your friend. Scheana is staying with Shay. She says she finds it weird that none of the girls want to stay with their boyfriends I agree. Cut to Lisa trying food for
She's trying different steaks.
In the middle of it she gets a call from Stassi, and she replies 'oh God I
better get this' Stassi tells Lisa how they are going to the pink Kitty that
night. She then tells Lisa she thinks it's named after a vagina. TMI! Hahaha
Lisa just said the same thing. Kristina says nothing can go down hill here. She
just jinxed the trip. SUR.
The guys are getting ready and Jax forgot his blow dryer oh no!! It's a tragedy! Just use some gel Jax, all these guys are too high maintenance. So Jax is going to ask the girls for a blow dryer, and of course he tells all the girls what Scheana said in the van. Jax is just trying to get in Stassi's jeans. Dude she doesn't want you!! This is obvious but you’re going to make a JOKE sound like something that was meant to be malicious? So now the girls are very very angry. Stassi it's your birthday?? Oh I didn't know. See Jax you still get attacked for just relaying the information so you should have kept you mouth shut. Stassi, please for the love of all that is sane, stop! We know it's your birthday.
Pink Kitty here we are! They are getting tore up. Sandoval and Jax are dancing, if you can call it that. Katie with all her liquid courage glory really legitimately believes Scheana wants to be gang banged by Schwartz. Ummm I'm in, for just him Katie. How you like me now? Kristen goes up to Scheana and tells her she can't drink the liquor that is for the party. Kristen who the hell are you? You have to do Stassi's dirty work? OMG these girls. I can't. So Peter and Jax are trying to chat up the ladies, girls go with Peter he's not as a big douche as Jax. Schwartz is now being attacked by Katie for getting Scheana a shot.While Stassi is attacking Jax for trying to pick up girls. These bitches can't just go on in a merry way about there lives... Schwartz has me cracking up, talking about how if Katie is mad at someone he is suppose to be to. Schwartz, I know girls like that, and in your case your in the right, Katie is in the wrong. OMG!! It's Stassi's birthday!
Holy ish hahaha so as Katie is screaming at Schwartz she tries to grab a beer out of his hand. He just poured that bear on top of her head. I mean it was kind of a dick move, but you can only put up with so much. They are both drunk as hell. Schwartz it all like, man I just lost it. Now look at her, he makes a boo hoo sound. Lisa is at a dinner party she brings up Cabo. She is reminiscing about meeting Ken. She says she never met anyone as wild as Ken, which surprises me. I wouldn't mind seeing what he was like in his hay day.
Stassi is comforting Katie, so her idea is skinny dipping in the ocean to get Katie to feel better. Katie just said Schwartz isn't even a man, then why may I ask are you with him Katie? So the girls are getting naked. Stassi has a banging body. Kristina has a flabby ass, and attitude to match. I bet that water is cold, and sand in the cracks probably doesn't help.
Good morning Schwartz!! Looking good, he's going to try to apologize to Katie and it's not working. Stassi walks over and says it's someone's birthday, so shut the f up, and everyone decides to go paddle boarding. The water is beautiful. Scheana wants to get over this stuff with Kristen, but she never goes and says anything to her I don't get it. Next up the trashiest wet t-shirt contest ever, oh of course we have a lot of commentary from the girls about skanks and such. Peter is getting lap dance he describes as 'anti-boner' even for you Peter?
It's time for Stassi's birthday dinner. I don't even want a birthday now, thanks Stassi. So as we get to dinner Scheana says 'so what happened last night? I heard Katie say something went up her nose' perfect timing Scheana, what's a #PumpRules dinner without a little drama? So Schwartz starts explaining what happened, Stassi is pissed, she is not the only one because Katie keeps on and won't let it go. Kristen says she's happy, for once it isn't her and Tom which is true glad you both had a good time, maybe fences can be mended? Then again probably not. Katie is just talking down to Schwartz. You don't deserve him Katie. Kristen and Stassi are telling her to stop it. Stassi already told her not to mess up the dinner, and this bitch ruined the dinner anyway. Katie walks out which I'm sure pissed Stassi off. Well that's Katie for you. Until next week guys :-)
Follow Joshua on Twitter: Follow @jponfire28
Vanderpump Rules airs Monday nights at 9/8c only on Bravo
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